Simply put, I feel like I'm stuck in a rut.
I feel like this often but it's usually just for a passing moment. I think lately I've been feeling it more often and each time it lingers for longer and longer. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and am only able to half make it out sometimes.
We started trying to have a baby about 4 years ago. Yup- FOUR YEARS. I went off the pill on Christmas Eve of 2011. 4 years. Four long, grueling, depressing, emotionally draining, stressful, tough years. And we aren't even close to being done with this journey yet. I have no idea how much longer it'll take. How many more cycles of IVF will it take before it works? How many more cycles of IVF can we even afford? Will we run out of embryos before we get a viable/healthy pregnancy out of it? Will we have to start from scratch again? Will we have to adopt? Will we give up? Will we be forced to give up if/when money becomes an issue?
December used to be one of my favorite months because the holiday season made me so happy. But over the last few years, it's become tougher because it's filled with difficult emotions for me. December 2011 is when we started officially trying when I went off the pill. December 2012 marked 1 official year of failure to get pregnant and we had to start doing initial tests. December 2014 is when we wold have become parents if I hadn't miscarried at 5 weeks from our 2nd IUI cycle. December 2015 now marks 4 years. Instead of being filled with happy feelings around Christmas, it's just marking yet another year of trying or another year without the baby that could have been.
I feel like it's been a ridiculous detour for a crazy adventure for us; we are still going in circles and haven't been able to find the end of the detour and get back on track. Will we ever get back on track?
In the meantime, LOTS of friends are getting engaged and planning weddings. Lots. At school there are 6 people engaged, with hopefully a 7th right around the corner. Outside of school we have other friends who will hopefully jump on that wagon soon too. It's all wonderful happy news and I'm genuinely super excited for all of them until I remember what is likely to come after their weddings. They'll soon be on the TTC path too, trying to become parents. I joke about how none of them better get pregnant before us, but now I honestly worry about it. Not that it's something they should put on hold or should be wary of beating us to, because that's a crazy thought and now what I'm saying. It's just that naturally a bunch of them will start trying soon and I am so scared of being stuck in this rut when their pregnancy announcements and baby showers start rolling around. If we aren't pregnant by then, I will surely start to slip into a legit depression.
Each pregnancy announcement is hard as it is to an infertile couple... but add in a pregnancy announcement of someone who wasn't dating, engaged, married, or trying for a baby is even harder. It makes you feel like life is suddenly a race and you are stuck in the middle of the race. You had a head start (Scott and I got married 8 years ago, at ages 23/24, after dating in high school. We were, in a sense, ahead of the game because we already found each other and knew we would marry each other). Then a bunch of friends caught up and got engaged or married, some had kids before we were ready or just as we were trying, no big deal. A few friends who got married way after us had no trouble conceiving and then suddenly were ahead of us. Now all those engaged couples, at least 1 or more are likely to beat us to it again. Not that it's a race, I know that, but beating us to our goal of becoming parents is somewhat of a race in our situation I guess. Life isn't fair, I know that. But when you've been trying for 4 years and have been trying the entire length of some people's entire relationship and they are likely to be TTC on the same level soon, it's majorly frustrating and depressing. It's not their fault and I won't be mad at them personally if it happens. It's just that I know this is how the cycle is turning and it's likely to happen. It's unavoidable to become pretty depressed off of that too. So I guess I'm just bracing myself for the brunt of a possible storm that's to come.
All the happiness also makes me sad in a sense because I get jealous in a weird way. I miss those happiness highs of the fun moments and I feel like ours was so long ago. Our engagement was a whole 10 years ago and we've already been married 8. Trends have changed and so many neat things are the trend now, as it always goes of course, and I miss those ridiculously happy moments and memories. We've talked about celebrating our 10th anniversary in a fun way and renewing wedding vows, but by then there could be a newborn on board (trying to be hopeful) and either money or traveling will be tough. I fear it'll interfere with that plan... where, again, if we got pregnant years ago, it would be easier. Now we are looking at what's even possible and realistic, financially and logically. I feel so bitter and ugly thinking this way but I do get jealous easily of other's happiness when we've had such a tough spell for so long. I envy their happiness and love story, not dulled by stressful life situations. I envision them all having perfect weddings, as deserved, and then getting pregnant on the 1st or 2nd try. I don't with infertility or trouble conceiving on anyone but I envy those who have no trouble in this area.
Scott & I have an incredible relationship and a fun, unique love story. I wouldn't change it for the world. But with our struggle comes stress, A LOT of it. It changes a lot of things in a relationship and when it's related to fertility, it changes your relationship in both emotional and physical ways. We've become stronger for each other in everything we've gone through (and are still going through) but it's really freaking hard at times. Not hard in the sense that we will give up, because we won't, but hard in the sense that I envy couples who don't have to go through this. Emotional blocks and physical blocks are difficult to get used to.
It's also now affecting my self esteem and confidence more and more. I've been having a really hard time lately with my body image. I've always had an issue here in the sense that I always pick on myself and say I feel chubby or that I'm gaining weight. People often tell me to stop because I've generally always been pretty small. I'm 5'3" and have always been pretty average. I've always pigged out on junk food but have had a pretty good metabolism for years. I started exercising regularly with Zumba 5 years ago and toned up a bit, but over the last 1-2 years I've gained a good 10 pounds. I'm still seen as small but I know, for ME, I'm borderline uncomfortable in some of my clothes and uncomfortable with how my body is changing. I'm currently the heaviest I've been for me, and I have nothing to show for it. I know age is a factor, now that I'm in my 30s, but I blame stress and this stupid infertility ride for a lot. I've been pretty conscious for the most part on food choices over the last 1-2 years also but because I work out less, it all piles on so easily. Being on different IUI or this past IVF cycle, sometimes workouts are either too much or they're off limits. Between not being able to work out consistently and all the hormone changes in my body, I'm starting to hate it. I know you should never go off the scale but I weighed myself this past week and according to the general scales online, I'm 1 pound away from being technically in the "overweight" section for my height. I know there are tons of factors here but I've always been at least 10 pounds away so I felt safely in the "normal" range. I cried myself to sleep one day last week when I realized this. But yet I don't change it. I have no motivation or spark to fix it. I try eating healthy and limiting portions and nothing changes. I have no energy to get up early to work out or to do it when I'm home after an exhausting day at work. I try to get to the gym 2x a week when I can but so many meetings or appts have gotten in the way over the last month. It's hard and it sucks. It makes me so mad that infertility hasn't only left our arms empty from a baby but it's also making me go crazy and gain weight because of all the stressful realities that come with it.
I'm stuck in a rut, emotionally and physically. I feel like life is happening above and around me, everyone moving on with all aspects of their lives at a normal pace, but Scott and I are just stuck here. We can't sell our house. We can't get pregnant. We are just here... Stuck.
Sorry for the negative vibes today. See, it's really not always rainbows and sunshine around here.
XOXO,
Stace
#TeamRicci
