Depression is everywhere

I was driving home on Father’s Day after picking up bagels for my family and my neighbors at 6am and listening to the radio. The headline came across that a 29 year old NYPD had killed him self in his car right outside his precinct. The story that followed that was that there have been 6 NYPD suicides in the past 6 months. Why does this stick out to me? Well the week prior to that one of my friends posted about his depression and his demons that he still has to battle.  Close family and friends have  posted repeatedly that they are depressed and I’ve seen it.  We all know that when we are focusing on something a lot of it will appear more than we normally see it. Just like when you get a new car and no one has the car or color and then the first day you drive it, everyone has that car and it’s the same color as yours. We walk around constantly and know that people are dealing with depression but how often do you ever really stop to think about it. I came across a post recently on Instagram on @thegoodquotes account that said, “I know I can’t fix you and you can’t fix me. But that’s the beauty of it. We don’t need fixing, we just need someone, to remind us, of who we truly are.”  That resonated with me deeply because whenever anyone that is close to me is going through something I put on my Mr. Fix it hat and get to fixing. I’ve been told in the past that I cannot fix everything and I am truly aware of that, however with that quote I  reminded that we don’t need to be fixed. We need to bring people back to a time that they could do it without any help. Or show them now how they can do it without help. Some might say that is another way of saying fix them, however, as a society we fix too many things that aren’t necessarily broken and look where it gets us. 

Now everyone that has come across this blog knows that Stace and I have been through some really tough times. I can say that I have never been “depressed.” But I have been sad and angry for many days and night and did not know if there was an answer that I could cope with. It’s funny how everything relates itself to what you are going through but there is never any answer to really fix it!  I was talking to my dad just yesterday and we were talking about his upcoming surgery and how he fears the unknown and how is life going to be right after. I told him everyone fears the unknown, I said some other things that aren’t fit for this blog but it’s true. The unknown! I went through 4 sperm analysis to see if I had the right quantity and quality. I remember the first one I did at home, bought it off amazon and didn’t tell Stace and then when it came back that I didn’t have any, I said faulty test. Then when we went to the doctors the first time and I did another at home but had to rush it to the lab in 45 minutes and it came back still none. What do you mean none??? My goals and dreams in life were to have kids and you’re telling me I can’t????  Then we went to another lab, where they said there’s the bathroom and gave me a cup. The waiting room bathroom where the kids, mothers, fathers, and grandparents were all in! That day took some time! But the test came back again, still none.  And then that last test where I had the IMAX of rooms that I wished I had for all the previous times. I was finally relaxed and didn’t have to worry about rushing to make it in 45 minutes or getting walked in on or having a faulty test. But it came back the same, none.  Then I had surgery of my varicose veins to see if they were the reason. Still none. Then I had a real sperm analysis where it was a probing, which meant I was having a biopsy done, but this biopsy wasn’t only one needle in, it was 36, 18 in each testicle to find any sperm. Let me tell you now, the pain I had for that didn’t even begin to touch what I was about to get a call about. I still clearly remember coming home and Stace telling me that the doctors called and there were still none. I can remember the next day so vividly. I was a manager at Best Buy in Middletown. We had a district visit that day and that meant that my whole district staff was going to be in the building with a couple other key players. My ride to work, I called Manny and broke down in the car. I said to him, Manny I can’t have kids.  And I just cried on my way to work. I composed myself 5 minutes before getting there and was a robot at work. The district manager that was my discipline knew I was off and I told him eventually and he said don’t worry, you’ll have kids but at that point we didn’t know how, the unknown. I feared the unknown for so long. I was so angry and sad but as a male I was more angry. Why did this happen to me? My love for kids was known amongst our friends and family. If family were in town, I would help constantly because it was fun. It still is for me! But I feared the unknown and it hurt. 

But I was able to have a light at the end of the tunnel because with the help of a donor we were able to have our two beautiful, sweet precious boys. That is not the same for everyone that is dealing with depression. We constantly want to medicate people.  Some don’t want to take medication because it changes them. Does it work for the better, yes, but you can’t fix someone that doesn’t want to be fixed. But you can help them. You can ask how they are and when they say depressed you can say is there anything I can do for you? If there isn’t, don’t feel rejected but try to see what you can do without being pushy. The one thing I have seen with depression is to try to get someone to go out. Whether it be to the mall or a car ride to nowhere or a hike or just sitting peacefully at the river or to a yoga class. I am currently writing this from my front porch at 630am just listening to the birds and a relaxing piano melody and it is making me feel good about my day. This might not be someone’s answer but it works for me. I am not worried about the unknown today. What if my son wakes up at 9 today and the farm doesn’t have a lot of strawberries, oh well there will be more another time. What if’s can be killers, but having a realistic look on life you don’t have to worry about the what if’s. I was listening to a close friend of mine recently and his sister in law was joking with him about never seeing him mad. And it’s true, I’ve known him for around 10 years and don’t remember a time when I’ve seen him mad. He said why get mad, I have a beautiful family, a house, food and a life and we are outside right now enjoying it so why be mad. That humbled me because I get mad a lot but for what? I have the same thing he has, a beautiful family, a beautiful house, amazing job that allows me to spend so much time with my boys, this beautiful view I see every morning. I guess I don’t have the same makeup as him. (Side note as soon as I just wrote that line a mosquito came up and tried to bite me and I got mad that it ruined my outside tranquility). 

So the point I am trying to make about this post is that depression is all around us. We don’t have to fix people, we just need to let them know we are there for them. And truly there, not just say it. If you notice a behavior that is uncommon for them, act on it and text, call, email, show up and say hi, I notice you and I am here for you in any way that I can be. Mental health is something that we will never be able to break and fix the world but we can always try to offer support and friendship and a way out. Social media may portray one thing and quite often people are feeling the exact opposite. There’s nothing ever wrong for asking someone how they are doing? It is wrong though to think about it and then never ask. And if someone needs more help than you can give them, that is okay as well but know the resources for it. It’s not talking behind someone’s back when you are looking to help them and it might hurt them and your friendship but in the end if they get better for themselves, it will all be worth it. A simple hug, a hello or a note goes a long way to people that are in a hole that they think no one knows about them, just be there.  

If anyone reads this blog and wants to ask more questions to me about our journey, feel free to email me at scoot683@gmail.com  I might not have an answer but I don’t mind talking about any of the “unknowns” any more, because I have my answers now in the form of an almost 3 year old and almost 4 month old! 


Thanks,
Scott