Updates & The Final Quarter of The Waiting Game

It's all about perspective. Staying calm, staying positive, and rolling with the punches. Just go with it. This mentality has been my way of life for a while now (thanks to some inspirational family/friends) and it's what I know. My dad always said "Positive things happen to positive people.", and my mom always reminds me to think positively and keep my head up. So I do. Things get me down easily and I will complain like there's no tomorrow about some things initially, but when the dust settles, it really comes down to living with a positive mindset for me, or I would just be a miserable and depressed person 24/7. I know it seems as though I live with my head in the clouds sometimes a lot, but it works for me. I'm a natural worrier, I'm a dreamer, yet I'm also realistic about things when I need to be. I keep balance, in true Libra fashion. And I refuse to live through life with a negative mindset because I truly believe that will just get you absolutely nowhere... except being alone, bitter, and miserable. 

With that being said, I refuse to sink and refuse to give up as we move forward into the next chapter of our baby journey. I have to keep a positive mindset going into the next few months because it matters now more than ever. There are bound to be pitfalls, crappy test results, lots and lots of doctor bills, and lots of tears and days I won't want to get up and go to work... BUT I need to push through and carry on because it's the only way to get to our goal in the end. Nothing worth having comes easily without some form of struggle or challenge (ok, maybe it appears to happen easily and without struggle for some people, but don't let the facade fool you, everyone struggles sometimes, somewhere, somehow). The challenge is what makes the end result all the more worthwhile. I know there will be tough days ahead, but I'm prepping myself to not give up. I know it will be tough and very difficult in the months ahead, but I refuse to give up or give in.

I'm loving this quote and starting to believe it more and more. 

You can plan and dream all you want, but life is what happens when you're busy making other plans. Curveballs will be thrown in here and there, and it's all how you roll with it. It will all be okay in the end, some day. I'm starting to see the bigger picture more and more, and realizing some good reasons why it's actually okay that we haven't gotten pregnant yet. It's allowing different opportunities to come up and present themselves, and it's all kind of exciting. It all gives me hope that down the road, we can look back and feel comfort that this journey molded us for the better and changed us in good ways.... As long as there is a child somewhere in the next 10 years before we are 40 please! :p

Okay, onto the updates. Sorry, we all know I ramble A LOT. Last week was a big information-gathering week. 

So here's the scoop...

Remember Scott's surgery in May to remove the varicocele? We had to wait 4-6 months before checking for any swimmers (sperm) for a Team Ricci swim team... that's the earliest anything would have shown up because it can take that long for sperm to produce and show up in a test. Well, we just made it to the 4 month mark! Yay! So, Scott had a post-op check-up with the urologist on September 9th. They did an ultrasound to check on the varicocele and that showed that it's completely gone, so that is exciting, but it's a small victory because that was only half of the issue. Unfortunately, the checkup showed that there are still no sperm currently. So even though the varicocele is gone, it doesn't necessarily solve or fix the problem because it didn't help with sperm production. Scott's testosterone level is still very low, so I think that's showing the Klinefelter's (chromosomal issue) is holding us back and stopping production. Scott is bummed and feels like the surgery was done for nothing, but it's good it was removed anyway because they had to rule it out and at least see if it worked. So now, the next step is to go back in November (which would then be the 6-month mark) and repeat the tests again to see if there is a change. If so, we are obviously good to go, and if not, they will do a biopsy to hunt for some stubborn swimmers in hiding. 

Even though we didn't get great results, we did get the results we were expecting, and got a glimmer of excitement at the end of the visit. We were realistic and didn't expect to see a change just yet. I am holding out hope for one of the November checks, specifically the biopsy. Scott doesn't think there will be any regardless because of the testosterone levels. But I'm holding out hope and praying, so we can't give up yet. I asked the Dr what would happen after November, regardless of Scott's results. This is the exciting part... regardless of the results (obviously hoping on the best for Scott, but prepared otherwise), we can still move forward with fertility treatments around December or January. To me that is super exciting. 

So, the way I see it, there are 3 possibilities in November...

1. If sperm show up, we proceed with IVF asap. (least likely, but possible)

2. If still no sperm, they will do sperm mapping/retrieval (biopsy) and proceed with IVF if they find any. (PRAYING!!)

3. If no sperm in both checks, we have to throw in the towel and move to selecting a sperm donor and go on to possibly IUI instead of IVF. *Side note to possibility #2, if they find just a few with Scott, we could potentially do IVF with some of Scott's and some of a donor's as backup (like if there weren't enough to fertilize all retrieved eggs with 1, we can supplement the donor sperm with the others). 

Prayers would be greatly appreciated to find something useful in November. It only takes 1, although a few more would be nice! 

The super exciting news here is that EITHER WAY, with either possibility, we can proceed in December/January!!! It all would depend on my cycle, so let's just say January to be on the safe side... but still, that's just a few months away until we can get in the game. Also means only a few more months to save, as IVF is really expensive and not covered one bit by our insurance. But, it's still very very exciting to feel that we can be out of the initial waiting game and jump into the next step. 

The same week Scott had his checkup, I had started my next cycle and had to meet with our RE (fertility doctor) again. She wanted to perform a saline infusion sonohysterogram (SIS), which essentially is a procedure to make sure my uterus would be a good home to hold a future pregnancy. It's the lesser of the two evils, when compared to a hysterosalpingogram (HSG), which involves the fallopian tubes as well and is said to be very painful by a lot of people. I knew I needed it before moving onto IVF, and the reason I don't need the HSG (yet) is because IVF bypasses the tubes completely, so there's no need to check on them. IF we ever move away from IVF and go to IUI (intra-uterine insemination, or "artificial insemination"), I will need the HSG because then they would need to know the condition of my tubes. As crazy as it sounds, I'd rather stick myself with needles daily for IVF than get the HSG from what I hear about it, and after my experience with the SIS. Thinking about either makes me want to cringe though. 

Ok, back to the saline sonogram, which I needed to have. This was done in the Danbury office of our clinic, which is about an hour from work, so I took a half day last Friday. Scott couldn't switch days off since we had his appointment earlier the same week, so I took a half day and went alone. The staff assured me it was nothing to worry about, so I didn't think twice about going alone. They told me to take ibuprofen about an hour before and that I would just experience some mild cramping. No biggie. I am a nervous nelly when I go to any Dr. visit, but I was feeling calm and collected, surprisingly. It was my first time at this office, since when we initially met our RE back in March, it was at a closer office they usually use just for initial consults. One of my best friends uses our clinic, too, and she loves the staff there, so I knew it would be a comfortable visit. My first impression of the office was great. When I arrived, I was the only patient in the waiting room for a good 15 minutes, and the receptionist welcomed me, was SO sweet and friendly, and made me feel right at home.  I also noticed some Kokopelli art hanging on the wall, and instantly smiled because he's been one of my good luck charms through this journey, thanks to another friend! 

Kokopelli~ a Fertility God

When I was called back with the nurse, she reminded me that it was a pretty simple procedure and there would just be some mild cramping. Essentially, "Saline infusion sonohysterography (SHG or SIS) consists of imaging the uterus and uterine cavity using ultrasonography where sterile saline is instilled into the uterine cavity. The purpose of sonohysterography is to detect abnormalities of the uterus and endometrial (uterine lining) cavity." I knew all this and wasn't worried, plus I knew it should take about 5-10 minutes. Being Friday the 13th, things couldn't have gone perfectly or that just wouldn't be how things typically play out for me. The saline and iodine are injected through a thin catheter inserted into the uterus, and there was an issue somehow with getting the catheter into my cervix, and the Dr. had to take everything out and try again like 3 times. Let's just say this wasn't the most comfortable experience and the catheter hurt more than I had imagined. I'm thinking there's an opening and a thin tube, no problem. Yea, not so much. Thin tube that you can feel poking inside your uterus, when nothing has been in there before, OUCH. Getting nervous, feeling uncomfortable, and now worried that it's not going to work also don't help for trying to stay calm, relaxed, and breathe through it. On a good note, thankfully, the Dr. and nurse were both extremely apologetic and sympathetic, they felt badly that I was basically having the procedure done almost 3 times because it wasn't working smoothly. But luckily, finally it worked, they did their thing, took some ultrasound pics to get some measurements and a clear view of my uterus, and then we were done. Eeek. All in all, it was about 15 minutes, but it was 15 uncomfortable minutes and I was holding back tears bc of the unexpected discomfort due to the complications and the fact that I wished Scott was able to go with me (not his fault, I didn't even think I needed him). Just thankful everything looked clear and I don't need to do that again.... And this is why I'm fearful of the HSG, because this was supposed to be easy and it wasn't something I would ever want to do again, thanks to my uncooperative reproductive parts. Ouch. 

As if that weren't enough trauma for one day, the RE reminded me that I was also scheduled to do blood work for all of my genetic makeup.... Oh joy! I had started the week with blood work to make sure I wasn't pregnant (Duh) before they did the SIS, so I had already been poked in my left arm and that was still slightly bruised. The problem was, I didn't remember about the blood draw and had barely drank water that day, so I was very dehydrated and began to panic, thinking it would be hard to find a vein and this would hurt too. All I wanted to do was be home in my PJs and snuggling with Scott. But being forced to be a big girl, I sucked it up and had no choice but to go with it. Looking back, it may have been a blessing Scott wasn't there, because it forces me to be more independent when it's just me, and when I'm nervous, I tend to be more chatty. I'm also chatty when I'm comfortable with others, and the nurse really was super sweet and personable from the start. So I started warning her that I hadn't drank and that I was a big baby when it came to needles, so I was kicking myself for not drinking more to make it easier to find a vein. She said not to worry and that it would be fine. I looked the other way, we made a deal that she wouldn't even warn me before the needle, and she kept me distracted by talking. I have to say, she was ROCK STAR because she got the vein immediately, I didn't feel a thing, and she made me feel very relaxed so that it went very smoothly. I actually look forward to using this clinic when the time comes for multiple blood draws and ultrasounds during future IVF cycles. If she's there all the time, or all the nurses are that good, it might actually make my fear of needles disappear real fast! 

I then met with the RE again for an IVF consult. She went over all the steps of the IVF process, what happens, and what to expect. Thank you to all my new friends on the TTC world of Instagram, because I have learned SO much from you all, that I can honestly say I was already very familiar with every step of the process. We talked about the possibility of needing donor sperm and we can actually start selecting that as soon as we are ready to, so that we have it as a backup and all picked out, so we don't waste any more time after November. I also met with a lot of the other staff at the clinic, like the patient coordinator and RN that will be assigned to us, along with the financial coordinator. Everyone was very friendly and welcoming, and they truly made the whole experience seem much easier. It was a very overwhelming visit in a lot of ways (physically and emotionally), and when I finally made it back to my car, I cried for about a minute just because it was a lot to take in and Scott and I were both sad that he couldn't be there. But there are more important things for him to come to later on, so we will focus on all of that for now. The important thing is that the clinic was great, the staff is amazing, and I know that we are in really good hands with them. 

So now we continue to wait, but I'm not wishing it all by as you might think. It's not that far away, and this is the final quarter of the waiting game. Fall is a great time of year, ESPECIALLY in New York (and especially in the Hudson Valley where we live), and I want to enjoy every minute of it. I don't want it to rush by (I kind of hate winter), and I'm confident that this is how things were meant to pan out. I don't know what results November will bring, or which route we will have to take from there, but we will walk down that road when we get there. 

Pay it Forward

Please take a few minutes to look at the link below and share with anyone who may be able to help...

https://www.giveforward.com/fundraiser/k5v2/stanzi-s-vitality-

Stanzi is a mom in my hometown (the community where I now teach) who is fighting like mad to beat cancer. She is a wife and mom, and she makes some mean cupcakes & homemade chocolates! She has 2 beautiful boys, one in 2nd grade and one in pre-K. I had her oldest in kindergarten 2 years ago, and he was in the neighboring class last year in 1st. They are very sweet people and hearing about their struggle is just absolutely heartbreaking to me. I want to help in any way possible, and I feel like spreading the word of how to donate and help is the fastest way to do so. Please share the link with anyone who you think might be willing to help.

At the very least, please send some prayers up above for this family.

Life truly isn't fair sometimes. Remember to count your blessings each and every day.

Tell your loved ones that you love them, and make sure they see it. Life is too short to make assumptions and hold grudges.

"Be the change you wish to see in the world."~ Gandhi

<3 Thanks.

Let's Get This Party Started....

In the words of a sweet friend earlier this week, "I want your show to get on the road!!!".

Sweet, sweet summertime is coming to a close. It's August 30th... WHERE did the time go?! I can't even really say that it went quickly, because when I think back to the last week of June when I started moving from one classroom to another, and our Myrtle Beach road trip, it really did feel like  long time ago. It was a fun and very busy summer, so I can't complain, and I'm not. It's just crazy how the time passes and I'm always left regretting the things I didn't have time for like crafting, working on photo books, and cleaning the house. But as Scott keeps reminding me, summer isn't for that stuff though, it's about having fun. And I'm happy to say I definitely got to relax and have fun. If I had been cooped up inside doing all of the above mentioned things, I would regret not being outside. So I'm content.

Going back to work is always a little bittersweet, especially when I think of all the overwhelming and stressful situations that a school year can bring. But, when talking to said friend earlier in the week, she made a good point because now that summer is over, we can get this fertility show on the road!!! That was the key for me. I'm always TRYING to find a positive in any given situation (I start off negative but then I analyze it and turn it around if I can), and the exciting thing about summer being over is that our next appointment for the next step in this infertility journey is just 10 days away!!! That's something to celebrate... so let's get this party started!!

So what's next?
Many of our friends, coworkers, and family have asked this question, and the next step is soon!! More below... (side note: No, we don't ever get tired of hearing this question. It's not being intrusive, it shows you care. I wish others would ask this just once or show that they care somehow... this journey has really shown us who our true friends are, or sadly, aren't. I know it's a crappy situation that many don't understand- and I hope you don't ever have to if you're in that lucky boat- but it's crummy to feel that certain people in your life really don't seem to give a crap. I'm sometimes someone who doesn't like to bring up other people's touchy situations in fear of upsetting them, so it's always tricky, but we can quickly and easily tell who is supportive of us and who really cares, vs those that really just don't. Don't assume that if you haven't asked how it's going that I'm saying you don't care. It's other words and actions that show which category you fall into. We are VERY grateful for those that have ever showed any bit of support and care, just saddened by some that were unexpectedly not supportive.).

This is not to say I am always faking my smile... But when I know others aren't being sincere, this applies only to that. Most often, the smile is totally genuine and we have more stronger moments than not... thankfully!

Sorry for the rant, I've had a lot on my mind lately. Infertility SUCKS. It's a depressing and emotionally/financially draining thing to go through... but just because we are deeply saddened, frustrated, and overwhelmed, it doesn't automatically mean we are depressed. A dream of ours has always been to become parents, something that most people have the ability to do naturally and easily, often without even trying. So when said dream of yours cannot be attained without intense medical assistance and a huge dent in your savings account, it gets pretty damn upsetting. But that one part of our life does not define us and does not make us depressed, contrary to what others may think. We keep ourselves busy, go on adventures, and continue to live our lives as we have for the last 14 and a half years. Hanging out with friends and family makes it easier and makes us happier, also shows us we have support. Knowing others care keeps us positive and in good spirits, and gives us hope.  We are very lucky to have received that from most people in our lives.

Ok, so next step is a checkup with Dr. Werner (Scott's reproductive urologist) on September 9th. This is a followup to the varicocele surgery he had back in May. Quick recap, back in January we found out that there were 0 (yep, zero) sperm, hence severe male infertility factor. The possible cause of this (also referred to as azoospermia) is 2-fold. First was because of a varicocele, which the surgery should have improved. The second is a chromosomal disorder, Klinefelters, which causes testosterone to be very low. The surgery should allow for sperm production to begin, but it doesn't show up in testing (yup, the awkward cup test... I'm glad I'm not a guy!) until 4-6 months post surgery. So here we are, already approaching the 4 month mark! Wow! That really did go quickly! We are excited, but cautiously excited and nervous at the same time. I'm not trying to be negative (not my style) but I'm being realistic when I say I'm not expecting great results. I'm worried that the Klinefelters factor is going to hinder sperm production, no matter how successful the surgery probably was. We do keep joking though and saying that we need a swim team, but since it only takes one, we won't be greedy and will just hope for a solo swimmer, or a Michael Phelps or Ryan Lochte! Hey, you can still register for a swim meet with just 1 solo swimmer! HA. We have to keep humor involved as much as possible. It's been fun for us to joke whenever we can. So we really would be over the moon with even a low low count.

If there is something, ANYTHING, I assume we can proceed with IVF soon. (Unless numbers were super high then we could probably try naturally for a bit? It would be a huge money saver, and at this point what's a few more months? But not expecting those results, although that would be the best case scenario.)

If there is nothing again, it doesn't mean we are done. I can't remember the next step (and will find out on the 9th), but I think it's 1 or 2 things... 1: Wait until October or November to test again (those would be the 5 & 6 month marks). -OR- 2: Go ahead with a needle biopsy to poke and prod (ouch, sorry Scoot!) and see if they can find any stubborn swimmers (Again, only 1 or 2 needed!). I know I've mentioned this before, but it's so inspiring that it's worth repeating. Dr. Werner had a couple in our same situation (probably minus Klinefelters, but still), and they came back at 4 months to find nothing, but when they did the needle biopsy, they found 2 sperm (YES, just TWO!!!), used 1 for IVF, and it worked!!! WoW. I know this isn't everyday stuff, but the fact that it happened is a miracle and enough inspiration for me. It CAN and DOES happen. So you really just never know. Keep the faith and don't stop believing.

So although this next appointment may not really give us a lot of answers, it also will at the same time. Even if it's upsetting news, it doesn't change where we were before, and it's the next step down our path. It's still one step closer to the baby that so many tell us we will have someday. I expect many more obstacles along the way, but each one is that much closer to the real thing.

In other news, I am starting to wonder if prayers are beginning to be answered. One of my big ones certainly was answered very recently! At work, I'm switching grades again and moving back down to teach Kindergarten. I'm entering my 9th year of teaching and have done K once before (2 years ago), but it was broken up with going back to 1st grade again last year. So even though I've done it, it was a rocky year for different reasons and I was uneasy about taking it over by myself. For those that don't know, I teach in a small school thats K-8 in one building, and our enrollment flip flops every other year. Ideally we used to have 2 sections of each grade, but over the past 5 years or so, we've been back and forth because every other year seems to be an incoming class of just 1 kindergarten, so it throws off a different grade every year or so and we can't always keep 2 teachers on a grade level. Being the newest classroom teacher (yup, even after 8 years), I'm usually the one who moves. So this year a few of us swapped and I was projected to teach the only K class. I had a wonderful teaching partner next time, and I was nervous about taking it all on by myself since it's been 2 years and I wasn't confident in it. K is different from other grades because there's a lot more family communication, involvement, and events that are different from upper grades. We are the first impression some families have of the school. So anyway, sorry for the long explanation, but the background is important. Our expected number for K was only 18 in June, so that was 1 K class, no problem. Over the summer, new families started to register and just before I went to Florida at the end of July, the numbers jumped up to around 24/25. Now I am fully aware that this is average in MANY (most) schools elsewhere, but our small school average is around 18-20, so this is a lot for us. Also, K has so many unknowns with behaviors and special needs, so I was nervous about having 25 children in a grade I wasn't yet as fully confident in, AND (most importantly) knowing that IVF preparations would likely begin at some point in the school year. When I left school on July 30th before heading on vacation, I left the room set for 24 students and literally prayed out loud in the car, asking for God to please only give me whatever I could truly handle. If I was meant to tackle 24 (it has since gone up to 26) in K, and all that went with K, ALONG with possibly IVF and a possible potential pregnancy, then bring it on. But if not, then please please PLEASE split the class in 2 and bring back my teaching partner from last time. Typically our school will split the classes around 25 if possible. So on vacation, I got word that it had split and now I have a nice small class and my teaching partner in the room next door with the other half. THANK YOU, GOD!!

Another dear friend of mine knew that I had been worried about this for the reasons mentioned above, and she told me the other day that it's a good sign, it's all working my way, and this is the first of many blessings for us! Her prediction is that it will be a pregnant year and that this plan of mine is working great... it will all work out perfectly.... Thank you, we sure are hoping and praying for that to be!!

So again, Team Ricci is excited to get this show on the road!!! :)

Understanding IVF & What's Next...

First, I apologize for random parts in this post that are appearing white and blotchy... not sure why that's happened or how to fix it, so just carry on when you get there. The OCD in me is bothered that it's not visually neat and organized, and I think it's because I copied some quotes from other sites, throwing off the format. But I'm not retyping those sections, so oh well. No biggie really. 

It's common not to know what IVF is, or to even fully understand it at all. I admit I didn't really have a clue either until it affected us 6 months ago. I knew that couples could have difficulty conceiving and that often medical assistance was required. I knew the "test tube baby" idea, generally, but that was about it. If it doesn't affect you or someone you know (well, sadly, it WILL affect someone you know, but you just may not be aware of it), then you wouldn't really have reason to be completely up on your IVF research and know way more acronyms than you cared to know (TTC, IF, AF, IUI, IVF, FSH, HCG, OPK, BFP, BFN, SA, ICSI, etc... look at me go! I didn't know about any of these 2 years ago. Show-off right here, haha :p). 

So, I often forget that just because I've had to become an expert on all things related to IVF, it doesn't mean everyone knows what it is. My very close friend who's currently in the middle of IVF treatments (who shall remain nameless unless until I have permission) & I will have convos that probably sound like secret code because of all the crazy terms and acronyms thrown out. Then when I go to talk to fam & other friends, I quickly forget that they would have NO idea what the heck I am talking about~ haha, sorry! 

People often ask what's next for us, so I decided to update everyone on where are currently and what's to come (as of now... things could change at any time). So here's our status. We are currently in limbo, or "The Waiting Place" as it's called in Dr. Seuss's Oh, the Places You'll Go!.

The Waiting Place... just waiting around for things to happen & move along.

Waiting, waiting, waiting... Why? What for? How long? Bear with me... Well, we can't make a baby with just my eggs. You can't win a swim meet with no swim team. No home runs without any hitters. We currently have no sperm to work with, which is why Scott had surgery back in May (can't believe 2 months have passed since then~ yay!). The surgery needed to happen anyway (Varicocelectomy), but it also was a major step in our baby-making journey. It will hopefully (fingers crossed!!) get sperm production going. All it takes is 1, although we'd ideally like there to be significant numbers, that's not very likely. Along with azoospermia, Scott also has a chromosomal disorder against him, strike 2, which produces low testosterone (essential for being that Swim Team coach~ haha)and makes him tired too (so now I can't nag on him when he's tired after work and doesn't want to do things... it's really out of his control to an extent and just makes me love him more because it's more physical than mental). Ok, I'm going on tangents, sorry. So the surgery is step 1 to *POSSIBLY* (no promises) help with sperm production. The Dr. said we need to wait 4-6 months after surgery to retest for swimmers because it takes that long for them to show up in a semen analysis. I found this on a medical site today "Development of immature sperm to mature sperm takes 72 days." That's over 2 months alone. Crazy, huh? 

So, sure, it's totally possible to conceive on our own within this 4-6 month waiting window. Likely to happen? Absolutely not. But possible? Sure; miracles do happen and crazier things HAVE happened before. Am I getting my hopes up? No way. I'm enjoying summer while we are on a forced break, or hiatus, from active baby making. Trying to have a baby is hard work, folks. It's no walk in the park (or bedroom). It's not all fun and games. It's extremely stressful. You can't just hop in bed whenever you want and be done (although, to the unfairness of the world, this is unfortunately how it happens for MANY people... then those are the people who say "Relax and just have more sex." HA... yea, ok). In case you didn't know, there is a scientific formula to conceiving a baby. Sperm and egg do not just meet up and click at any time you want, although wouldn't that be nice? There is a very small window (36-48 hours?) in which it is possible each month. That's like a 15-25% chance of a couple getting pregnant if you do everything right and are in perfect reproductive health. With those odds, isn't it amazing how many people just happen to fall pregnant accidentally? Timing is everything, along with health factors and a little bit of luck. So our odds are like maybe 0-1% chance on our own with no medical assistance. I'm not being negative here, just realistic. We can't likely have a baby on our own without medical intervention. Enter the help of the wonderful reproductive urologist and reproductive endocrinologist, or RE, or fertility doctor. 

Sorry I am getting off track. So again, Scott's surgery was in May and we are currently 2 months into the 4-6 month waiting window. He has a followup appointment at the urologist in September (4 month mark) with semen analysis number 1 to see if anything shows up. If not, I honestly am not sure if we wait until November to test again (6 month mark) -OR- if we would just go ahead with what Dr. Werner called a "needle biopsy". So not sure if this will happen in Sept or Nov, but assuming this will happen at some point. If they don't see any sperm in "the cup test", they have to do the needle biopsy, or testicular mapping, to poke around (yea, sorry guys, it's not a pleasant procedure from what we understand) and try to determine if there are any sperm to be located and retrieved for use with IVF. Again, it only takes 1 (although it'd be nice if there were more to work with but I won't be greedy!). 

For a little dose of inspiration, Dr. Werner told us about a couple he had recently treated. They are around our age and went through the same surgery and steps as Scott. They didn't find any sperm in the followup analysis and moved to sperm mapping, and located TWO (2) sperm. That's it. Just 2 had produced, but that's all they needed! They froze them and proceeded with IVF, and on their first round, it took and they are now pregnant. How amazing is that?! Talk about *HOPE*!! Now, this is not common and also not likely to happen to us as well (keep those hopes in check, Stace), BUT it still shows that miracles do happen and are indeed possible. 

At some point before proceeding with IVF, I will need to have one, very minor, procedure to ensure that all is okay on my side. With probably my September cycle, I'll need to have day 3 blood work, followed by a saline sonogram. Basically, it's a quick and easy test to see how my uterus looks and make sure it's a happy environment for embryos to stick and grow in. I was going to have it done in August since I'm off from school, but realized the timing that it needs to be done in conflicts with our vacation. Since we are in limbo with Scott's results anyway, there's really no point in doing it too early because the results are only good for a few months or they'd need to retest. So looks like September we will try for that and get that out of the way. Even if it was pushed to October, we still have some time to play with I think, and that would be fine.

Once we go all those routes and try to recruit some swimmers for Team Ricci's swim team (hehe), that will determine what our next step is and when it would take place. In the best case scenario that all goes well, I'm thinking we would maybe be cleared to proceed with IVF before the holidays. If we run into glitches or there is still no sperm after all those checkups, then I fear we might have to move to looking into sperm donors. When I say "fear", I don't mean that this would be a bad thing, it's our 2nd option, but it would just devastate me (and Scott) inside because it would mean we couldn't create a baby with a combination of our biological genes. That's not the most important thing in the world, having him by my side is, but I'm not going to lie, it would sadden me to not have a little Scooter running around. Using a donor would not make him any less of a dad though, I don't doubt that for 1 second. Making the choice to move there next was ultimately Scott's decision and I give him so much respect for that difficult choice. I am all for it but I wanted him to be 100% comfortable with it before voicing my opinion. If it were reversed and it was my egg quality in question instead, I know the same choice would be on me. I think I would still go for it, but I do think it would tear me apart inside for a bit to know that it was his sperm mixed with someone else's eggs... however, at this point in our lives, I'm really not looking at in that light. Our goal is to be parents. HOW we get to that doesn't really matter and I know without a doubt in my heart that if we had to use a sperm donor, it wouldn't affect Scott's relationship with our child one bit. Part of me regrets telling everyone that this might be our next step because I suppose I would want that part kept secret, in fear of people outcasting us (or our child) because of how he/she is conceived. Or making Scott feel like less of a dad because of it. So I battled with that for a while but we've become so open about everything, and the point is not how it happens. If anyone would stoop so low to judge us on any of this, then I'm sorry but keep those thoughts to yourself and keep our names off of your tongue. That would just be downright cruel and although sadly I know people out there like this do exist, I really hope they have the decency to keep it to themselves. Unless you have walked in these shoes, do not cast stones. And even if you have walked this path, there is no possible way you would have ill feelings toward anyone on this journey. So I do worry sometimes, but need to not worry because what matters is that this is our choice. This is our only way to have a child, and we will stop at nothing to get it... unless we go bankrupt, that may be one way! (eek!) 

I need to find myself a real one of these.

We went to see our RE back in March for initial consultation. That's when we found out that with Scott's factors, IVF was our best shot at conceiving. Many couples try IUI first (intrauterine insemination, or what's sometimes referred to as the turkey baster method by some, just to familiarize with an image you may have in mind), but that won't work for us. When sperm count is low or not of great quality, they don't want to waste your time with that. So on we move to the big league of IVF (in vetro fertilization, or otherwise thought of as a petri dish/test tube procedure by some). IVF is a complicated (but also SO intriguing and interesting) process. It's very expensive (about $12,000 per cycle) and also NOT covered by most medical insurances (ours included... gee, thanks Aetna and New York State... I'm not asking for plastic surgery, I'm just asking for the chance to be a mom). Oh yea, and nothing is guaranteed either. I think the RE said that with our age (which is luckily on our side) and me being healthy (as far as we know for now), our chances will be around 65% when we have the green light to go ahead. 

In a nutshell... here's IVF explained in very simple terms. Thanks for the link, Gemma, I first saw this on your blog a few months back I think. It's not boring and is easy to follow. 


Good video, right? Really explains it well I think. One thing they didn't really dwell on, just briefly mentioned, is the injection process. Lots and lots and lots and lots of needles. Blood work. Injections. Needles, needles, needles. What's one of my biggest fears, aside from spiders, snakes, death, and being alone? NEEDLES!!! AGHH!!! Facing one of my biggest fears head on here. I don't like hearing people TALK about needles/shots/injections, I can't watch it on TV, or really think about it. So wow, talk about irony. Haha. But when thinking of the prize at hand, what's on the other side of it all, it's ALL worth it. Without a doubt. So because of that, I will suck it up and take on injection after injection, vial after vial of blood, needle after needle, just to have the chance to get pregnant and have a baby of our own. IVF involves lots of bloodwork and also daily injections. I'll need to become a pro at giving myself nightly shots of hormones and crazy meds that will likely give me killer headaches and turn me into a super cranky monster (There goes my chance at being Kindergarten teacher of the year at school. Oops. Sorry in advance to anyone in my class. Definitely worried about that. The stress of being a teacher is unfortunately already so high.).

I. Will. Not. Give. Up.

Because of all that's around the corner, I am happy to say that we are on a forced break. I'm glad we've been sent to The Waiting Place. Honestly, the timing is perfect. Summertime is a teacher's relaxation, a time to regain your inner peace, balance, patience, and more. Last summer we were actively trying because we didn't know we were infertile yet, and it was not exactly relaxing. I was stressed out each cycle and that stressed Scott out each month as well. This summer I have no  conception-related expectations. At all. My only expectations are to relax, rest, read, enjoy time off, work out, vacation, watch TV, listen to music, take pictures, be crafty, work on Kindergarten stuff for the upcoming year, and spend time with family/friends. Pure fun and enjoyment. No work, all play. No stressing over ovulation and taking my temperature each morning to chart my cycle. Nope. Those days are gone. Would it be nice to start IVF while home on break? Absolutely. But is that possible now, no. So therefore, given our specific situation, I'm okay with how the timing has worked out. Will it probably be added stress to start IVF mid-school year, YES. But will I let that stop me or slow me down, NO NOT EVER. I'm stronger and more determined than ever. Watch out, infertility. Team Ricci is ready to take you on and defeat you. Not saying it will happen in our first attempt, and not saying we are done with unexpected hurdles. But you better believe that we will not give up for anything. I'm ready.

BRING IT ON. <3