Get Up Now

Happy Saturday, folks! 

It's a gorgeous day here~ 70s and sunny, blue skies with Toy Story white fluffy clouds.
It's the last day of May. HOW is that possible?  I can't believe it. June is just within reach, and that means summer is just around the corner. It also means the school year is rapidly coming to an end. One of the best classes I have had in a while, and I'm sad to let them go soon. It's a bittersweet feeling. .... I swear each year goes by faster than the one before.  I'm semi sad about that as well and I've never been good with goodbyes. I'm usually a crying mess for at least a short period of time on the last day of school with the kids, and this will definitely be one of those years. 

Speaking of goodbyes and bittersweet moments, I found out yesterday that my assigned nurse at our fertility clinic is leaving. I happened to see her yesterday morning to go over something with her, and she hugged me before I left. I'm all about hugs and often hug the medical assistants who take my blood (haha, weird that I'm so loving to the girls who jab me with needles on a weekly basis, but they're great!). I wondered what it was for, but I'm such a hugger by nature, and I hugged her after she gave me the methotrexate injection a few weeks ago, so it wasn't totally out of character. She emailed me with my results update yesterday and in the email mentioned it was her last day. I was SO bummed, that I almost started crying reading it (we all know I'm an emotional sap) and I was slightly more fixated on that than the main reason she emailed me. It really sucks. I am forever grateful to the entire staff that we've worked with over this past year at the office we go to. They really are wonderful people and have made our visits comfortable, exciting, and bearable. They've supported us in many ways~ phone calls, emails, hugs. I'm really sad and bummed to see our RN go, but happy for her to start a new chapter and adventure. I was happy she asked me to keep her updated, and hopefully we will have good news to share sooner than later. So, if she's reading this, I wanted to give a shout out to say THANK YOU SO MUCH for all that you've done for us. I loved working with you. Sorry for my annoying email rants, worries, and questions. You were amazing and I'm so thankful to have been reporting to you while you were there. Good luck!! :)  

Ok, back to the meat of the post. So, I'm sitting here on the couch, listening to music, and trying to muster some motivation to be productive today. I used to be big on To Do lists, but can't seem to get one going today. I figure as long as I do something, it will be worth while. So far, did one load of laundry, and believe it or not that is a lot for me on a Saturday morning before noon. Ha! There's a lot I need to do, a lot I want to do, and a lot that goes in the middle. I have about 6 hours til Scott is home, so in theory I should be accomplishing a lot. Laundry, cleaning up/organizing, finding a home for my new clothes, school stuff, and a workout is on my list. I should do a whole post for workout motivation... but the amount of time I would throw into it, I would be done with a whole T25 workout... I'm not happy with my current state of self image, so need to get my butt in gear and tone up. Sitting here blogging certainly doesn't make that happen. haha :) 

So I guess the purpose of this post is to document that it's been a good week. It's a good day. It's going to be a good weekend... and it's going to be a great summer. One of my absolute fav songs at the moment is On Top of the World by Imagine Dragons. Every single time I hear it, no matter how I was feeling prior, it puts me in an instant good mood. I've heard it a few times in the last 24 hours, so decided to post the lyrics as kind of a motto for how I'm hoping the summer and the next few months or so will play out. It has a lot of positivity in it. I included a video with the lyrics so you can hear it and read/sing along at the same time. 



It has a great message. It's upbeat. It's positive and happy. So therefore, I love it. <3

Some fav lyrics in particular...

"I take it in but don’t look down

‘Cause I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
Waiting on this for a while now
Paying my dues to the dirt
I’ve been waiting to smile, ‘ay
Been holding it in for a while, ‘ay
Take you with me if I can
Been dreaming of this since a child
I’m on top of the world.

And I know it’s hard when you’re falling down
And it’s a long way up when you hit the ground
Get up now, get up, get up now."

I feel like the whole message is about celebrating the wonderful things in your life. Celebrate when you're feeling on top of the world, tell your loved ones that you love them, don't take things or time for granted, and get back up when you're feeling down. It's hard when you're falling down, and it's a long way up when you hit the ground, but get up dammit. Don't stay there forever. Negativity won't pick you back up, only positive things will...

So get up now, get up, 
                           get up now. 

Chin Up, Buttercup

I decided I needed to write a more positive post. I've been feeling down for too long and need to pick myself back up. Part of it is because of the meds I was on- a lot of things were restricted for the last 2 weeks. A lot of things that are normal stress relievers, and I couldn't do any. Therefore, I felt pretty bummed, stressed, and semi depressed at times. I would get through the day at school, come home exhausted and feeling Blah, and just lay on the couch or sleep a lot. Not fun. It's not me. (Sorry, Scott). 

But now 2 weeks are up and I refuse to be a prisoner to negativity and feeling blah. 

Yes, we've been experiencing a roller coaster of emotions, but I need to stop being blah about it and keep moving forward. There is SOOO much to be thankful for and I need to focus on that. 

One fear I have in being totally open about our journey is that I will turn so many people away from us for being honest. I don't want my honesty to come across as me playing the victim and looking for sympathy or pity. Deciding to start the blog was initially my way of getting it all out there to sort out my emotions and deal with the confusing and complicated things we were experiencing. It also was a very easy way to update family and friends on what's going on (rather than sending mass emails out to people who might not care (you're choosing whether or not you want to read these). And also, if we can help just one other couple on their journey, then I would feel a sense of paying back to those who helped me by posting their experiences and journeys. 

Everyone's journey and story in life is different and we should never judge another without knowing what it's truly like to walk in their shoes. We ALL have struggles in life. They'll vary in how they look, but we all have some stress in our lives that we are dealing with. Ghosts from the past, financial problems, drug addiction, mental illness, relationship problems, work stress, friends/family stress, health problems, a rocky marriage, a combination of these, or something else entirely. Each and every one of us has at least 1 thing that is difficult to go through. Often I've heard some quote along the lines that if we were all in s giant circle and threw our problems out into the open to see what everyone secretly deals with, we'd all go scrambling to regain our own problems, rather than swapping with someone else. Everyone struggles. 

You thought this post wasn't supposed to be negative, right? I'm getting there. :) My point is, everyone struggles with something. Some struggle openly, some keep it private. Just because we are being open about our infertility struggles, it doesn't mean I'm undermining problems that others have. It also doesn't mean that is the only thing we struggle with. Don't judge others by what you see. Chances are, you're only seeing one small piece of the puzzle. So have a little compassion for others. 

I realize that, compared to others, our struggle may be small potatoes. This isn't a life or death health scare. It's not a financial issue (not yet at least!) of losing our house or possessions over. Neither of us are unemployed (Now that Scott got hired by a new company! Yay!!). So, yes, it's one big thing in our life right now and it consumes my mind for most of the day, I am fully aware that we are extremely lucky otherwise. This is in no way a bragging post, but I wanted to list some things I'm thankful for, so that maybe it helps us all realize the wonderful things we have present in our lives. Sometimes they are easily clouded by our struggles, but at the end of the day, there is always someone worse off than you. 

These are a few of my favorite things (or things to be thankful for), in no particular order...

*SCOTT MICHAEL RICCI.... This guy. He simply amazes me. He is the best, ever. Scott has a heart of gold and is one of the most caring people I know. He helps out the people he loves 10000000% and would do anything for them. He is a great listener (despite me accusing him otherwise at times), excellent advice giver, and is so sweet when it counts the most. He can cheer me up or make me feel better when I truly need it the most. He can make me laugh at the times I'm the most depressed, and always tries to get me to smile. He's seen me at my absolute worst (many times) and yet is there whole-heartedly to pick me back up. He's an amazing friend and husband, and I know without a doubt that he will be one of the best dads in the world some day. I'm so so so incredibly lucky to have married a truly wonderful guy. Love you!! <3 

*Amazingly supportive family & friends... Without you all, we wouldn't be where we are. We wouldn't be able to cope with any of this, probably wouldn't be posting anything publicly (in fear of people knowing), and just wouldn't be able to be so positive. Our immediate families have been a huge huge support factor in all of this, as well as our extended family, and of course our friends. Thank you all. Whether you ask us occasionally how things are going, or are too afraid to bring it up and ask, we know you all care for us. It's the everyday actions, the interactions, and overall picture that we look at. We know you care and we appreciate it so much. Thank you for not judging us for going public with this, thank you for not talking negatively about our journey, thank you for asking every once in a while how things are, thank you for checking in, thank you for showing you care in ways other than asking how things are (I know it's hard for some~ you don't know whether to bring it up or not, and that's fine. We know you care, actions speak louder than words). It's your choice and it's okay. We are comfortable with either because we know deep down who cares and who doesn't, so whether you ask or not how things are going, it's okay. I know you care. If you are afraid to ask, but are wondering, I promise it's ok to ask us. Sometimes we like to be asked because it lets us know you aren't sick of hearing about it and it's a safe place to talk openly about it. 

Ok, that part got confusing to word! Sorry! Moving on. :)

*Unsupportive friends people... Sounds weird, I know. But, I'm just as thankful for these people because they've shown us who and what is truly important in our life. They've shown us that they truly just don't care about us or our journey, so neither should we continue to try for them. They've shown me to stop wasting my time and to not care what people think. Thanks for freeing up space in my heart and mind, so I can focus on those who truly do care. You've shown me what's important in my life, and worrying about petty things is just not worth it when we're up against bigger struggles. Life is too short to be anything but happy in areas you can control. 

*Nieces & nephews... I put plural because I consider the kids of my really close friends to be my nieces and nephews, just as much as my brother's children.  My friends' little ones call me "Aunt" too, so why not. Family is not always just blood relation. It's who is closest in your heart. I'm so thankful for these little ones because they show you what pure happiness is. They're made happy by the simplest things in life and they're all just so much fun to be around!! (I wish some weren't a plane ride away but that's life... I'm just thankful to have them in my life). <3

*Getting paid to do what I love... I love my job. Sure there are aspects that drive me crazy at times, but that's any job. I love working with 5 & 6 year-olds every day. I love getting to act like a kid at times and not getting laughed at for it. I love teaching little ones to read and write. I love seeing the amazing ways a child can learn, grow, mature, and change from September to June. I love being a part of Kindergarten. I love teaching in the room I went to Kindergarten in. I love being creative. I love working Monday through Friday. I love having weekends, holidays, and summers off. I love teaching. I love my job. 

*My car... It gets me places. It's a pretty color. It stores a lot. It's a Honda. I just love it. :) 

*The beautiful area in which we live... The Hudson Valley area of New York (just about an hour north of NYC), is truly amazing. I was born and raised here, and it took me a long long time to truly appreciate it for its worth. I can't really describe it but it's just so scenic and beautiful. There are so many picturesque up and down the river that are gorgeous. There are so many mountains to hike, so many picnic spots by the river, so many pretty sunsets, so much to do, amazing AMAZING wineries, state parks, etc. It's just beautiful.... however, winters can be wicked here! 

*A roof over our heads... This is our 2nd home, and who knows where the next few years will take us, but I'm thankful that we are currently in a situation where we have a roof over our heads, a warm house, a comfy bed, running water, doors and windows that lock, etc. Going along with that are daily essentials, and things we all often take for granted: food, water, clothes, shoes on my feet, etc. I often am amazed at how it's possible that I sit here with all these things easily within reach while others around the world dream of having just 1 of these things. It really puts things into perspective real fast.

*4 seasons that are very different where we live. Each season is truly, 100% that season, here in NY. Winters are harsh, bitter, cold, and get TONS of snow. As much as I hate the winter, snowfall is so so pretty and curling up on the couch with a mug of hot chocolate is just so fun. Spring here is usually pretty chilly, and wet, but it's my favorite. Everything starts to bloom, and even though the pollen here gets awful for a bit, it's so beautiful to see all the pretty colors blooming on trees and flowers. The sound of spring peepers and birds outside is so comforting and calming. A perfect spring day here is 70 and sunny, and it's one of the best things ever. Summers get pretty hot at times, but it's also a break from school and a time to recharge those teaching batteries. It's a time to relax, read new books, sleep in, vacation, and lay by a pool. Fall is depressing in some ways because it means summer is over and winter is coming, but it also means the leaves change color (another beautiful sight up here!), sweater weather arrives, and Starbucks comes out with their Pumpkin Spice latte!!! It's also my birthday, and it's just a fun time. 

*Sunshine... Sunshine makes me happy, end of story. I'm totally one of those people who is sad in the winter, or on rainy days. Sunshine equals happiness for me. :) 

*Rain.... Even though rainy days make me tired and gloomy, "No rain, no rainbows!!"

*Our struggles in life, no matter what they are. This may sound weird as well, because these are the things that try to rip you apart from the insides. These are the things that make you cry your eyes out at night, and consume your mind and fears. However, these are the things that make you stronger. These are the things that make you learn in life, make you a better person, make you believe in hope and that things will get better. These are the things that mold you into the person you are meant to be. These are the things that prepare you to deal with future struggles, because there are sure to be many more. 

*Chocolate... need I say more, really?

*Health. As far as we know, in the current moment, we are both fairly healthy. Yes we have things to work on, or things we have to deal with. But, overall, we are both in good health standing at the moment. It could be way worse and I'm glad we are currently okay. 

*Music... I find multiple meanings in songs, and I pull quotes from them often. I can't sing or play an instrument (or really dance) to save my life, but I LOVE listening to all kinds of music. Depending on my mood, I will listen to 20 different types of music. It pumps me up, lets me think, lets me cry, and just kind of makes my day go round. Different moods pull different styles of music, and different music pulls different moods. I'm thankful to pull a lot of life wisdom and advice from songs. I'm constantly writing down song lyrics as little life lessons, mood boosters, signs from above, etc. 

Some current favs...

The Good Life~ One Republic "When you're happy like a fool, let it take you over.. When everything is out, you gotta take it in. Ohh, this has gotta be the good life, good life, good life..."

Be Okay~ Oh Honey "Can't complain about much these days, I believe we'll be okay..."

On Top of the World~ Imagine Dragons 

*Zumba... By stumbling across a Zumba class 4 years ago, it introduced me to many wonderful people and opportunities. It boosted my confidence, gave me some rhythm, and got me in shape. It's become my favorite go-to exercise because it's exercise in disguise. I need to get back on the exercise wagon now that my 2 weeks are up, but it's really one of the best ways for me to lose a few pounds, stay in shape, relieve stress, boost my mood, and be social. 

I'm sure there are plenty of things I am forgetting. In fact, I know there are. But you get the point. No matter how we struggle in life, it's important to look on the bright side and count our blessings, because we all have so many. It's so easy to get caught up in the sadness, depression, and negativity that our challenges and struggles bring. But without looking for the silver linings, your challenges will consume you and defeat you. We all have so many things to be thankful for, on a daily basis. Even on your darkest days, there's something or someone to be thankful for. Instead of listing what's going wrong, or who is against you, think of what's going right, and who is on your side supporting you. It helps to put things in perspective every once in a while and helps boost your mood as well. You can't overcome obstacles if you're always in the darkness.... It'll suck you right in unless you try to walk towards the bright side. 

Although our journey to a baby is a crummy one and is taking way longer than we ever anticipated, and taking everything we've got.... it's part of our journey, I can't change it, and I have so many things I'm currently taking for granted that are going right in my life. I have to focus on that. We all have a lot to smile about. There's always, always, always something to be thankful for. 

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

"Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow
Blue birds fly
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Dreams really do come true ooh oh

Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me"

Someday, somewhere, somehow.... our dream will come true. We'll be a family. We'll be parents. We'll have a baby (or babies). We'll be complete. <3 Til then, I'll keep dreaming, and wishing, and hoping, and praying. :) 

Somewhere Over the Rainbow is one of my favorite songs, especially the version by Israel Kamakawiwo'Ole (see video below~ you can play as background music while you read... haha!). We went to Hawaii for our honeymoon (almost 7 years ago!! I wanna go back so badly!), and I've always had a soft spot for this song. We played it as part of our wedding slideshow too. We had a rainbow on our wedding day, and it's just a beautiful song. This isn't the official music video but this one has rainbows and pretty scenes all throughout, so it was more fitting for this post. Enjoy!



I've been thinking a lot lately about our loss, and all the insane emotions that come with it. I've also been daydreaming a lot about our rainbow baby and pulling inspiration and silver linings, life lessons, and positivity from experiencing an early miscarriage.

I still fall apart from time to time. Sometimes I don't even realize what causes it and I'm just plain sad or tired. I think some of that this week is because I can't exercise for another week (due to the methotrexate injection). Thankfully I didn't have any side effects from that, and I got word Friday that my levels are finally starting to go down. I think it'll take quite some time for them to balance out to 0, but at least it's on the right path. I'm so incredibly thankful that if I was meant to lose this pregnancy, that it happened when it did. I couldn't bare to lose it later on, or to not even know I had lost it. It downright sucks, but if it was meant to be, I will accept that fully someday. I'm working on it, and getting there.

So, what is a rainbow baby?? Urban Dictionary explains it pretty perfectly...

"A "rainbow baby" is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth. In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery."

This was a good explanation, too! 

 "There is a rainbow of hope at the end of every storm."

In talking to a coworker this week who has experienced a loss and now has 2 kids, she put it all in perspective for me. She's very religious and like me, believes that everything has a time and happens for a reason. She has been through this too and said she really believes that in a sense this loss is a blessing because now that soul will look after and protect our next child, and she really has a strong belief in that. Another close friend went through the same thing and swears that her child is looked after by their angel baby as well.

Similarly, my cousin Brittany sent me a text on Mother's Day (this year and last~ she's so sweet and is seriously a rock star!!) about what great parents we will make, and about our little one in Heaven. She is the best little cousin (even though she's not so little anymore!) and has become such a great friend, I'm so thankful for my family~ immediate and extended. They've all become such a great support, whether I'm mentioning you specifically or not, thank you. <3

Thanks, Britt!! LOVE YOU!! <3 <3

No rain, no rainbows... You can't have a rainbow without a bit of rain. You can't stand up tall and proud if you've never been hurt or known what being at the bottom feels like. Fall down 7 times, get up 8. It's all part of our journey and is molding us into the people we are meant to be, into the parents we are meant to be, of the baby we are meant to have. It's just a little speed bump and we will get past it, and it will make us stronger. I joked to Scott yesterday (during one of my emotional meltdowns), that it doesn't feel like a speed bump. It feels more like moguls, for crying out loud! Did I mention that neither of us are skiers?? Yea, makes it more challenging! haha ;)

Ok, so in all honesty, I really do know in my heart that it's for the best and our time will come. I do know that. What I don't know is WHY it has to happen to so many of us. WHY it has to happen multiple times to some people (some very loving and deserving people by the way~ some ttc sisters and some in real life folks). WHY some try for years and years to get pregnant and still nothing? I know for a fact, hands down, without a doubt, that all of those wonderful women will make amazing moms!! So WHY must they endure so much and wait so so long? It's just not fair. I wish there was a certainty to it all and it was just a matter of when. I know so many deserving mamas out there, and we are not getting any younger! (Despite what people say~ yes I'm "only 30"; yes I may "have time on my side".... but in the same sense, I wanted to be a fun young mom by 30. I know it's fine to have kids in your 30s, and Scott and I are so young-hearted, but still~ I want it to happen soon dammit!)

One more quick rant.... I was recently asked how things are going and if there are any babies yet. I know they meant well and I debated writing this because I feel bad, but it still did kind of make me shake my head. Now, this wasn't a bad question if it was in a text, email, or phone convo. But it was in person. I didn't think I had really gained that much weight (other than a few pounds from eating junk to drown my sorrows). I politely answered "no, not yet, still trying but having difficulty". There were kids around so I didn't want to get specific and talk about the miscarriage. Then I was asked if I had been on the pill a long time. I answered yes, and heard an explanation of how that could be causing trouble (I never thought of that!!.... total sarcasm here) and explained that yes although that could sometimes cause difficulty, it wasn't that. We are working with a fertility clinic and my husband is infertile, so we are going about things in a different route. And that it'll happen eventually. That was kind of it.

Again, I know people mean well, but it has become a pet peeve when some people deliver their thoughts and suggestions as if this must be the cause of your problems. Don't stress. Don't think about it too much. Don't try so hard. Try harder. Do it more often. Eat healthier. Stop overthinking. Take your temp and check when you ovulate, it'll work.... No. Trying to conceive does come down to a science, and at times these other things work and were the magic trick for other people... but none of it will be the fix for us. None of it. At all. The only way for us to conceive is with a bunch of fertility meds and donor sperm with a perfectly timed, and totally unromantic, somewhat embarrassing, procedure. That's it. That's the only way a baby is being made in this uterus, folks. So thanks for the advice, but no thanks.

I know I'm a bit bitter on this whole thing, but I think that's to be expected. Scott joked about what I would be like when I'm pregnant and my emotions/hormones are more out of whack than now, but I just cried some more and said I'll gladly take it in because it will mean there's a baby growing in there. Right now I'm feeling crazy and on an emotional roller coaster but there's NO baby in there. Nothing good out of this emotional wreck, so it sucks. I know I will probably eat my words and someday will be a cranky mess pregnant or after giving birth, but for right now I just want that experience so badly. Right now the pain and grief is for nothing. Just patiently waiting for my numbers to go down, for the pregnancy hormone to completely vanish from my body, and to be done with this. Good news~ as of Friday, it did start to go down.... I may have already written that, so if so, oops!! Sorry! But even though it's declining, it'll still take a while to reach zero and completely rebalance. So until then, I think I'm just going to be thrown for loops until we can start up again. Hopefully over the summer when I'm more relaxed and don't have to rush to work right after morning monitoring appointments... instead I can rush to the mall for some retail therapy, or to Megan's for some pool time!

I promise I'm okay overall. Most days I carry myself well and am distracted. Many/most people at school still have no idea (or so I think). Most days I do not cry and have a pity party. Just when I'm tired, cranky, haven't worked out in a while, can't drink a glass of wine to help, when I'm home alone, or when something randomly reminds me of what happened. Yesterday I had the same meal I had the day I found out we were pregnant and I immediately regretted ordering it for the reminder... oops. Stupid, but it crossed my mind. Hearing people in a restaurant talk about their crazy pregnancy food cravings. Hearing a certain song. Seeing pregnant characters on my fav TV shows. Finding out people are pregnant without even trying, or on their first try, or unplanned/unwanted. Hearing the kids at school ask if I have kids, why don't I have kids, or reminding each other I don't have kids. They're 5 and 6, they're sweet and mean well, and they have the biggest hearts, but I always think to myself "thanks for the reminder". I'm around kids 5days a week, I see them getting picked up by their moms after school daily. It's all around me. I can't avoid it. I just have to react to it in a healthy way, and mostly I do.

Another favorite life lesson...

In life, things happen to us. But in the end, it's our reactions that matter. We can't change the event, but we can choose what we do with it. You can choose to be negative and fall down and stay there, never seeing hope, and letting it define you.... OR, you can choose to be positive, learn from it, let it make you stronger, find a silver lining, and move on from it as a better person having gone through it.

I choose positivity, silver linings, strength, hope, and happiness.

What do you choose?

Another Unexpected Speed Bump

By this point, you'd think Scott & I would be used to setbacks and speed bumps. Bad news, unexpected news, curveballs, they're all one in the same. But no matter how many difficulties you go through in life, they just keep coming and don't really get any easier. This week was no different.

As I posted last week, I truly was accepting the fact that I miscarried and lost the baby. It is completely heartbreaking and devastating, but I'm thankful that it happened so early on and I really think it helped me to process and accept it faster. I was able to wrap my head around what happened, why it may have happened, and found comfort in the fact that it is so common- although completely cruel. 

I told a few people at work and I was beginning to accept it and be okay with it each day. Certain songs on the radio would make me cry and I would have sudden moments of unexplained sadness but I know that's to be expected and is all part of the healing process. I know I can't ignore these feelings and it's not healthy to push them down. Part of healing and moving on is accepting it and letting myself feel the emotions that come with difficulties. But I was doing all of that and was proud of myself for accepting it, working through it, blogging to get it all out, and exercising daily. I was proud of myself for doing 1 hard core workout each day for a full week~ Zumba and an interval/circuit class at the gym, T25 at home~ I felt good. Then Wednesday happened and threw a huge curveball in everything, knocking me down right back to where I was 2 weeks ago. 

After our appointment with the Dr. who confirmed I had miscarried, he said I would have blood tests weekly to check my hormones. Ideally, the pregnancy hormone would drop over time and when it reaches 0, we can start up again. I was certain I had passed everything on my own, there was no sac on the scan, and I felt fine, so naturally I thought we were good to go and numbers would decrease each week. Nope.

 I had a voicemail from my nurse Wednesday after school, and I checked it quickly before heading to a faculty meeting. I had no doubt that they'd be going down, and was just curious what she would report with numbers. To my complete shock, the message said that my numbers actually went up, which is what we don't want. I immediately lost it, crying and in a complete fog/full of confusion. How would this be possible? The thought of the baby actually making it, or another one being present didn't even cross my mind because my numbers were too low for this to even be possible. In my mind, this only meant one thing~ possible ectopic pregnancy (an embryo implanting somewhere other than the uterus- typically in one of the tubes, but could be anywhere). I called the nurse back and she was just as confused and surprised as I was. I asked if it could be ectopic and she said it *could* be but they weren't really sure. In looking up symptoms of an ectopic, I didn't fit any of them really. Numbers increase with it, yes, but usually they sky rocket and mine were just kind of slowly rising. Also they say you might be in extreme pain and that wasn't the case either. She said I needed to come back Friday to recheck my levels and also get extra blood drawn to test my liver function and a few other things. If they were still elevated or continuing to rise, I would need to come back that afternoon for an injection of methotrexate. 

I somehow managed to make it through the faculty meeting (which was longer than usual, as we were scheduled to stay from 3:30 to 5:00 this week~ go figure!). I drove home in a fog and texted Scott when I got home~ he was at work and I didn't want to bother him with something I couldn't really explain 100% and couldn't do anything about in the meantime. I also naturally started Googling methotrexate, ectopic pregnancies, reasons why HCG levels might rise other than pregnancy, etc etc. I know Google can be a very dangerous thing and I know not to take everything for face value that you read on the Internet. I also know it's an incredibly stupid thing when you're an emotional wreck because results will most likely scare you to death about things not true.... but I can't help it and it's often my go to when I don't have experts to talk to. 

Search results for methotrexate had me in tears. I was reading that it's a super serious drug used for cancer patients undergoing chemo, it's not a drug to be messed with, it has very serious risks and side effects, etc. I also read that you have to wait 3 months before trying to conceive after having the drug. Obviously this made me even more emotional and I was just completely losing it. I didn't want to tell our parents or broadcast it because I couldn't wrap my head around what was happening.

I didn't know if I actually needed it. 
I didn't know if my blood test was a fluke or not. 
I didn't know if I could handle waiting another 3 months after all we've been through. 
I didn't know what the drug would do to me. 
I feared having a tube rupture before Friday if it was indeed ectopic. 

I couldn't stop wondering why in the world this was happening to us. I had accepted our loss and started to move on. I now felt like I was being punished for handling it so well. "Oh, look, Stace is handling this all to well with her happy shiny positivity... let's go change that." I had wrapped my head around everything and now it was all being shaken up again. I didn't have answers. I didn't know what was happening or why. I couldn't answer anyone else's questions because I didn't have my own. I was an emotional wreck. I cried easily... very easily. I came home Thursday and took an almost 3-hour nap, barely ate anything, and cried myself to sleep until Scott came home, when I fell apart again. It was a rough rough day. I just wanted answers and wanted it all to be over so I could pick up the pieces and move on again. 

Friday came and I drove out to the clinic again for blood work, then was on the edge of my seat all afternoon waiting for the results call. Luckily we got out of work early (staff work day) at 2, and the call came at like 1:57. My numbers went up again. I needed to come get the injection. Thankfully, I was able to come home and get Scott so he could drive and be with me. I was an emotional, crying mess the entire drive out there, and even in the waiting room. I checked in and saw our patient coordinator behind the desk. She asked if I was okay, and normally I would automatically say "yea" even if I wasn't. This time, I wasn't even able to hold back and just said "nope" and started crying again. I felt so bad because I didn't want to be mean and felt like I even surprised her by my reaction. Oops. 

We got called back right away, and I'm glad it was my nurse on duty that day, so she could do it for herself. She gave me 2 information packets~ one was a consent to sign for the injection and to read all the possible risks and side effects, the other was aftercare info for home. I couldn't think or see straight and was just literally crying nonstop. While she went to prep the meds, our Dr. came in to check if I was okay. In asking if it was indeed ectopic, she said we couldn't really know. Nothing showed up on an ultrasound they did, I wasn't showing signs, but because of my numbers, we had to treat it as if it was for precautionary reasons. The shot would take the place of a D&C or other surgeries needed sometimes after miscarriages. In  most cases, the shot does the same thing. It targets rapidly dividing cells (in my case, pregnancy cells) and breaks them apart, so that whatever is left over in my system will stop and disappear. I told her my fear of waiting another 3 months on top of it (mad at my body for not just passing it all on its own), but she said that wasn't the case, and to stop Googling. hehe ;) (Enter Scott with an "I told ya so.") She said we just need to wait for the levels to reach 0, and we can go from there. She also said it shouldn't hurt our chances of conceiving again in the future either, so all of this gave me renewed hope immediately. All of that was a huge huge relief. 

Now all I had to do was face the injection... which was actually divided into 2 injections. Ick. We all know how much I hate needles. I've gotten good at blood draws. I got through 2 injections before IUI, but these were bigger needles and going into the muscle in my hip/butt area. Ouuuuuch! I was beyond nervous but my nurse is literally a rock star and I barely felt a thing for each. When she said "just a little pinch", it literally was just that. The Novocain shot before getting a cavity filled is literally worse than these were, combined. I thanked her a million times and was so happy it didn't hurt like hell. 

Only major drawbacks to the injection, for now, are no drinking or exercising for 2 solid weeks. I don't really mind the drinking one as I had really stopped anyway... but the exercise one made me mad. I had just done so so well, and now have to break for 2 weeks. Nothing outside of normal daily activity. Also can't take many medications and have to stop prenatal vitamins for the time being too. I always get into an exercise groove and then need to stop because of something like an injury, sickness, etc. Blah. Looking forward to getting back in after 2 weeks because it felt good and I was happy with myself, plus it was great stress relief. 

As we left the office, I was getting hugs from some of the nurses and I was instantly starting to feel more like myself. This was the closure I needed. I had the injection, I know what it's doing, and as long as it does it's job, we are good to go. I will continue to go for weekly blood checks of my levels and hope that they now start dropping, and we will be in good shape. So I'm praying for just that and we can put this all behind us. 

I can't wait to be done with all of the hiccups that come with fertility treatments. Just to name a few, here are some annoying things we go through:

-waking up at 5am & driving A LOT on days I need to go to the clinic. Morning monitoring is between 7 and 8 am, and the clinic is an hour from our house, and another hour to work. Work starts at 8:15, so I try to be there by 6:45 because it's first come, first serve and I need to be gone by 7:25 in order to just barely make it to work (it's actually 50 mins even). 

-so much driving. I got gas before the appt on Friday, and by the time I got to work, I had driven 95 miles. We did it twice on Friday too, and that didn't count the 20 miles from school to home. '

-multiple blood draws~ about 1-2 a week over the past few weeks, and 1 a week from now on. 

-Being glued to my phone between 12 and 2 on days I'm waiting on a call for blood test results. 

-internal ultrasounds. I hate those stupid tables, stirrups, and the damn ultrasound wand. Sometimes I hate being a girl. 

-fertility meds. Whether it be Clomid, Ovidrel injection before IUI, or now Methotrexate. Ugh. 

-all the mental stress, frustration, confusion, etc. It truly is an emotional roller coaster... the mack daddy of emotional roller coasters.

-the fact that only so many people truly get it. We've been fortunate to have an amazing support system and everyone tries so hard and means so well, and it's appreciated so so much. But at the end of the day, it's only 100% relatable if you've been in the same boat. 

That's it for now. No frilly pic quotes with this one. Just had to get it all out... actually I do have one that I'll close with, but it's not in pic form. Sorry I can't EVER seem to get my posts to be short enough to read within 5 mins~ I envy all my fellow blogger friends who can say all of this in just a few paragraphs. I always feel the need to write and retell every. single. detail.... for no reason. Oh well. Again, not offended if you don't read, I really started it all more for myself to get it out there. So for now, please pray that the injection works and my numbers go down over the next week, and that we don't have to wait another eternity to conceive and become parents. I now won't pray to get pregnant, but to actually have a live, healthy baby in our arms one day. 

"God gives us only what we can handle. Apparently God thinks I'm a bad-ass." ;) 

P.S... Happy Mother's Day to all the mamas out there! New moms, pregnant moms, angel moms, and those trying desperately to become moms. <3 xoxo