To Be Continued...

Let's see if I can stick to my guns and write a short post for ONCE (don't go placing any bets)... The fact that I'm exhausted and will probably fall asleep any min could be a good thing to help me out here. 

I have gotten so bad at updating this, but always have good intentions of keeping it current and blogging about all of our adventures. Maybe some day... for now I'll keep dreaming. 

Ok, so the "To Be Continued" title refers to our fertility journey. We have decided to take a break. So for now, hold your horses, be patient, and we'll be back after these messages. 

SHAME ON ME... 
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me 3 and 4 times, I'm pretty much just an idiot with her head in the clouds. 4 failed cycles. 4 times with super high hopes. I know I'm not an idiot and can see my family reading this, shaking their heads. No, I don't really mean it; but I'm allowed to feel it. And that's how I have felt about this whole thing. Shame on me for being a fool and believing in magic and miracles and happy endings. Shame, Shame, Shame. 

My last post (July) talked about how we started up again with the IUI process this summer, and that it was SUCH a hopeful cycle. I swore it would work, and then when it didn't, I was crushed. But we jumped right back and tried again. Only this time it was a much more intense protocol. We (my Dr, nurse, and I) thought that it didn't work because the Clomid thinned out my uterine lining too much. To take care of that and up my chances, I was given the following plan:

*5 days of pills...Instead of Clomid, I took Femara (or Letrozole) for 5 days. It does the same job as Clomid, but doesn't thin your lining. It also didn't have same effects on me. I wasn't super cranky or energetic, but I did get major awful/annoying headaches. And nothing made them go away except time. :(

*Injections for 4 days... This was new. In the past, I only had to do 1 injection of Ovidrel~ to bring on ovulation~ 36 hours prior to IUI procedure. This time I had to ADD 4 consecutive nights of injectables. I had to take a fertility drug called Gonal-F, which comes in pen form. I had to attach and change out the needles each night, and set the dial to the correct dose (75iu), then press it in, hold for 5 seconds, and release. I was used to a small sharps container and was used to shooting 1 needle in. This cycle I had to do 5 injections myself, so they gave me a giant sharps container. Welcome to the big leagues. These extra injections help grow and enhance the egg follicle(s) I guess. Not entirely sure, but they use this drug with IVF sometimes. 

Each night for shots (not the alcoholic kind), I would ask Scott to play some music to help pump me up. Sometimes he would choose a song for me, sometimes I would request one. But either way, he knew it had to be my kind of music. Something meaningful and/or make me want to jump around, and put me in an insta-good mood. I also have him record me doing injections, so I can play it back later and feel strong/accomplished. I made photo collages of each night too, so eventually I'll add those but they're on my phone and I'm currently on the mac. 

Our song choices this cycle:

Day 1 shots: "Forever"- Chris Brown (no, not a fan of him as a person anymore but I still love some of his music, especially this one. It was on the wedding episode of The Office, when Jim & Pam got married. I liked the song anyway, but have LOVED it since this moment. I even dance really silly to one particular part bc it reminds me of that episode. I miss that show.)

Day 2: "Waka Waka"- Shakira. This song makes me think of old school Zumba (from like 4+ years ago). It's one of my happy songs and always makes me want to dance, and reminds me of happy memories and happy people. 

Day 3: "Dirty Bit"~ Black Eyed Peas. Another old school Zumba song, tied to good memories and fun times. It always makes me want to dance and pumps me up. 

Day 4: "Life is a Highway"- the Rascal Flatts version. This is a great song anyway that we both like, it's in a Disney movie and it just rocks. But Scott chose it because the title reflects our journey. Life truly is a highway... in our sense maybe an extreme roller coaster. 

*Ovidrel injection~ the one I've done 3 other times, 2 of which I self-injected, and was the least concerned about. That is, until I realized there was way more liquid in this than what i was using the past 4 nights... and suddenly it scared the heck out of me! haha. 

The trigger shot song choice was "Somewhere Over the Rainbow"- the Iz Kamakawiwoʻole. I think I have a whole post about this song. I just love it, always have. Ever since (maybe before) our wedding, honeymoon in Hawaii, and whatnot. It's on our wedding video, was in our wedding slideshow, and I've just always loved this song. Plus, I was seeing more rainbows this cycle, and stupidly thought they were signs again... shame on me. 

So, went through with IUI #4 with 2 good follicles (again) and good lining... everything was in play. It even occurred to me that our sperm donor's ID # matched up with A LOT this cycle. The first number was the cycle we were on, the second was how many eggs I had, and the last 2 numbers were the date IUI was happening on. When I realized this, I thought it HAD to be a sign, and that it was going to work, it's been written there for us all along. Nope... back to the shame thing. Just a weird crazy coincidence and a really really REALLY cruel joke on me. 

Fast forward 2 weeks again (2 weeks that had me getting imaginary early pregnancy symptoms), and bam, hello Aunt Flo. Mother Nature's sign of saying "Screw you." The Baby Nazi saying "No baby for you". 

I was crushed. I was pissed off, sad, frustrated, angry, mad, depressed, deflated, confused, stressed out. Keep in mind, this was at the end of 2 weeks of summer school- and about 10-12 days before school started. I was so relaxed all of July, and yet felt I had wasted all of August for nothing. Still not pregnant. Back to square 1. This isn't fair. 

I quickly calculated the possible dates of the next IUI if we started up right away again. What date came up? The FIRST day of school.... Are you freaking kidding me? I was already sad enough, and then this wrench was thrown in. I wanted to keep going, I want to always be one step closer to our positive test and to meeting our baby. But the first day of school? How can I possibly miss the first day of school for a medical procedure? Fertility treatments are SOOO time sensitive and dependent on what your body is doing, that you can't predict anything. But since it was close enough to the first day, give or take, I couldn't take any changes. Taking September's cycle off. *&%$ :( Stinks. Big time. 

I teach Kindergarten. I can't possibly justify missing the first day. Even other grades would make it hard~ but MAYBE people would be more understanding. (I prob would have canceled in other grades too, who am I kidding.) I stress myself out with the opening of school on a good year, the thought of throwing in fertility meds would just make me turn into a hyena or wildebeest in no time. Putting my personal life on hold because of  my job. Because I care too much what others think and need to set a good tone in my classroom for the year. It was the right thing to do. I had no choice. 

Scott was 100% supportive and by the time I got home, we both had come up with the same idea separately. He was the first to bring it up, though, and he was happy I was on board... Let's take a few months off. Get readjusted to school, the holidays are coming, we don't want to have a negative cycle right before the holidays and throw me into depression. 

This past failed cycle really really set me off. I had moments where I didn't feel myself and was so sad I was scaring myself. I had moments where I would just cry, nonstop. I had moments where I didn't want to do anything, and nothing cheered me up. I wasn't myself and would probably start slipping into a mini depression if I wasn't able to pick myself up, bounce back, and come up with lessons and positive lights to take from this. 

Our takeaway? This infertility ride is messing with us. It's tugging at us and testing our strength. It's stolen my focus and identity for a long time. It's caused me to be extra selfish and forget about Scott. It's caused me to focus only on my emotions and feelings, and not on my husband's. It's created an ugly tension on our relationship.... But now we realize it. We realize what the focus of the last 7 months (intense 7 months of hormone manipulation and time being measured by 2-week increments and IUI cycle stages. IUI, fail, repeat. IUI, miscarriage, break. IUI, fail, repeat. IUI, fail.... STOP!!)..but really it's eaten up just about 3 years of our time. We are almost at the 3 year month since deciding "We are going to try for a baby. We are ready to try and get pregnant. We're ready to become parents". The ups and downs are exhausting, draining, intense, depressive, and downright stressful. We just simply need a break. We need time to focus on us and just have fun being a married couple. Not a married, infertile couple. It's too consuming. It's been just us, Scott & Stace, for 15.5 years~ we haven't lost anyone. Once we have kids and they grow up and move on, it'll still be just the two of us. All you need is Love. We have to refocus on that, and get back to the rest when we feel it's right. I miss us, and just us. Yea, we'd LOVE to get pregnant and be parents. But it is way way way harder than we ever thought, and way harder than anyone realizes who just isn't in this boat. We STILL have people telling us to just relax and keep trying. No. It doesn't work without any sperm. There are no sperm. It just cannot happen. Scott is being treated for testosterone now, but contrary to belief, that will not help the situation. It would only make worse if he had any, because it's artificial hormones, so it won't cause spontaneous production.  So, we won't "relax and keep trying". I don't even want to try for a while. I need a break. I need to be a wife and a teacher. I need to just be Stace. I need to be away from hormones and meds and shots (unless they're in a shot glass or made with Jell-O). 

So, there it is. We are taking another break, until further notice, but this time by choice. I need to regain my life and my identity. Have fun with my husband, workout at the gym, be on my own schedule.

To be continued...

XOXO

Dust Yourself Off and Try Again

I'm just an angry orchard of emotions today. This bottle of goodness kind of sums up how I feel... I feel as though my reproductive organs are part of an angry orchard. No apples here. Not yet anyway. I feel like my mind and body are deceiving me. 

Oh goodness... It makes me sad that my last post was May 31st. Almost 2 months have gone by and I meant to blog more often in this in-between time, but time slipped away and there wasn't really much to say. Still, I feel bad about it because I love doing this and wish I could figure out how to make it more consistent and concise each time.

I last left off that we were taking a forced break to let my body get back to normal and let my hormones rebalance after having an early miscarriage. It was hard to crawl out of the deep, dark hole of the land of loss, but we did it. I worked out like crazy, I cleared my head, I tried to be healthy and stress free. I completed 5 consecutive weeks of the T25 fitness program. I, Stacy Ricci, Queen of sleeping in and NEVER working out early in the morning (rarely working out at home), got up at 5:40 most days to work out before school for 25/30 mins. I amazed myself, but it did the job. I got bursts of energy. My clothes fit better. Headaches were staying away longer. Confidence was boosting. Muscles were forming and endurance/strength were getting better. I was moving on. 

Scott & I vowed to not broadcast when we would start up with IUI cycles again. We learned our lesson the hard way; telling everyone about every step of the first two cycles was just, hands down, a very bad idea for us. So many people knew every step, so all those people knew (or could figure out) the basic timeframe of our pregnancy test. And I have an awful poker face. When we got pregnant, a lot of people found out, and when we lost it, it was just way too hard to deal with everyone knowing, so we promised we wouldn't tell when starting up again. I'm super proud of both of us for not spilling the beans before now, but I need to do another catch up to keep stress-free and keep the peace. Spoiler alert: We have started back up again. I tried so hard to be vague because I really can't take all the questions from people. I'm a terrible liar, but it's so much easier doing these cycles without the world knowing each step.

Here's the short story:

STILL trying to conceive... STILL not pregnant. End of story.

Here's the play-by-play, Stacy-style:

Took time off to wait for my body to get back to normal. Took time off to exercise and eat well. Took time off to get back to a stress-free, calm, positive, and energetic mindset. Took time off to get back to me.

Finally, it was time to start back up again. I was/We were BEYOND thrilled to get going again. Bring it on!! 3rd time's a charm, right?

Wrong. 3rd cycle failed~ and I honestly didn't think it was going to. They upped my dosage of Clomid and I produced 2 really good follicles. 2!! We were thrilled with the idea of having twins~ 2 and done, 1 baby for each of us at all times. Plus, my little cousin predicted last summer that we were going to have twins (out of the blue he said to me "how about twins?" when we asked him to say a prayer for us and ask God to bless us with a baby). I SWORE it was all happening and unfolding as it should. There were soooooooooooo many wonderful signs pointing to a positive during this past two-week wait.

We were sneaky (and successful) in planning a vacation during our two week wait. We went to Myrtle Beach, SC, to visit Scott's parents. We weren't supposed to take a vacation this summer due in part to Scott's new job and also in part to IUI. Being so time sensitive, we didn't know when we would get to start up again, and so it all depended on when I got my last cycle, so anything had to be last minute. Once we knew where the 2-week window would lay, we booked a trip and I was excited to have something to distract us and relax us at the same time. NO ONE knew that we were in the process of another cycle except for one very close friend going through the same exact thing and Manny (He had Face-Timed us coincidentally on the night I had to do my trigger shot injection, so instead of hanging up we just explained and he got to watch~ haha. So literally only 2 people outside the clinic and my acupuncturist knew. We told everyone else we weren't starting until later in the summer, probably August. It was hard to keep secret but it was for the best. We don't want people asking questions anymore, not even family. We don't want people bugging us. We don't want people guessing or looking for hints. It stresses me out and it's so much easier doing it all with no questions asked. "Normal" couples don't get asked every month how the baby-making is going... so why us. I want just something about this process to feel normal. So, no one knew.

While away, I can honestly say that I was the most relaxed in a really long time. Probably a year. A full week, with Scott, totally relaxed. I went to the pool. I read. I drank. I shopped. I had fun. I lived.

Please do not judge me on drinking. I am fully aware of the controversy here. I can just hear it now~ "Why risk it after all you've gone through, after you've come this far?". Part of me wanted to take that stance, and I respect those that do, but here's why I didn't.  All those "normal" couples I refer to? They don't always know the exact time of conception, nor about the two-week wait to see if an embryo implants. A lot of people drink and have NO idea they are pregnant. I didn't want to regret not enjoying vacation if it was negative. That would have stressed me out more because I wouldn't be able to just be worry-free. Did I get black-out, crazy drunk? No, that's not me. Did I have a glass or two with a special meal out, or while relaxing with family on the patio? You betchya. Do I regret it? No. Is that why it didn't work this cycle? No. I wanted to feel normal for once and I'm happy to say those were 2 extremely relaxing weeks. I understand fully that alcohol can impact fertility, but since we are aware of our infertility causes, I don't feel bad about indulging in a drink on special occasions. Outside of vacation, I don't drink every night, and I rarely have more than one anyway.

We had a great time away and I thought for sure this cycle was going to work. FOR SURE. These will all probably seem silly to anyone else (Scott thinks I'm crazy when I say them all aloud, so it's ok, you can judge me on this), but here are some of the "signs" I had this cycle:

-Hearing certain key songs, whose lyrics really resonate with me

-2 follicles (My little cousin, AND a close friend, both had visions of me having twins)

-A full moon on the night of IUI, AND the night after (Actually, a "Supermoon"). A full moon is supposed to be a magical time to get pregnant and "so many conceive at this time")

-My acupuncturist shared a beautiful story about the Big Dipper aiding in conception (I created it in the pic below), and the summer being a wonderful time to fall pregnant. I have NEVER been able to identify the Big Dipper in the sky, but while in SC one night, it was SOOOO incredibly clear overhead and I started crying, feeling comfort that it was going to happen.

-Dragonflies. A lot of them. I know it's summer, but I was seeing a lot. I also wanted to buy myself an Alex & Ani bracelet while away. Scott & I both decided on the dragonfly because of it's meaning and look.

-Numbers, especially number combos that mean a lot to us, kept popping up in places.

-A double rainbow in SC. We had a rainbow on our wedding day. After a miscarriage, our baby will be our so-called Rainbow Baby. Having 2 follicles and seeing a double rainbow? Come on. Also, someone wise recently just told me that she heard that a rainbow is a sign of God's blessing.

-On the plane ride home, a mom seated near us was telling someone else that she was expecting twins. "Twins on the way!" I heard her say... I thought it was a sign for us.
All these amazing signs. I kept praying for signs one way or another. None were physical really~ my boobs were hurting a few days, but that's also a PMS sign. I look for universal signs everywhere. Signs in nature. Signs in numbers. Signs in patterns and pictures. Signs in words. Signs, Signs, Signs... for what? All it proved is that I am a crazy dreamer because it all came crashing down.

2 weeks of slow slow waiting to see if I was pregnant. I was so incredibly hopeful and didn't have a doubt that it wouldn't work. This was our time. No doubts here, until this morning... the morning of my pregnancy blood test. I woke up with a splitting headache and knew I was doomed before even opening my eyes. I almost always, without a doubt, get intense headaches when I start my period. It's something with the hormone shift and being in withdrawl that brings it on. 10 years on the pill, same thing. New cycle, headaches were a given. I took my temperature to confirm. I try not to rely on this anymore but I also know my body works like clockwork. Two days before a cycle, my temp drops to 97.45, the next day 97.33, then 97.18 and that day I get it. "Please be well above 97.50!", I thought to myself as it was registering. Then "beep! beep! beep!"... 97.33... It's coming. Cycle 3 failed. Out again.

I got up to shower, cursing the system, cursing the fact that I have to be up at 6 to drive an hour to the clinic and be there by 8, when monitoring hours end. (*Thankful for summer so I don't have to rush to be the first one there at 6:30 when they don't even open until 7, so I can leave by 7:25 tops and just make it to school on time.... I dread having to do that again when September rolls around... Sigh.) Cursing the system for making me test today, when I KNOW it's negative. But, it's protocol since it was my test day and have to stick to the plan. Grr. I started crying in the shower. So much for being so completely relaxed and stress-free in the 2 weeks leading up to that moment. Gone... done... out-the-window... a distant memory.

As I knew, my fears were confirmed. I had emailed my nurse when I left the clinic because I didn't get a chance to see her, so I updated her and said that I had 2 typical PMS symptoms and was bracing myself for the worst. She called this afternoon and said she was so sorry, and that I was right. It was negative. Again. Another cycle passed, still an empty uterus. Empty room in our house. Emptiness in my heart. Empty, empty, empty.

It freaking hurts. Up, down, up, down, up, down. I'm not a yo-yo. When does it stop? I'm starting to think that whoever is in charge is mixing me up with someone who must have some pretty bad karma. I JUST DON'T GET IT... I just don't.

STILL trying to conceive. STILL not pregnant. STILL not our time...

STILL NOT GIVING UP.

"...Dust yourself off and try again."

One thing is for sure, WE WILL BOUNCE BACK. We will. It just takes time.

 What now???

In all honesty, nothing changes. We go about our life as is. We haven't lost or gained anything, so we are still moving onward and upward. We are sad, but nothing changes how we are or what we are doing. So, we allow ourselves to grieve, feel it, accept it, work through it, and move on. Use pain, setbacks, and negative life experiences to fuel you and guide you as you move forward.

Onward and upward. Fall down seven times, get up eight. (I hope that doesn't mean we need 8 cycles!! Eeek!! lol.)

We keep moving. When my nurse called with the news, she asked how I wanted to proceed. Without hesitation, I said "let's keep going. Start again asap." Without a doubt, no need to think that one over.

I still plan to keep it to ourselves. Not share specifics~ no timelines. No appointment recaps. No IUI dates. No telling what meds I'm on, when I go for the next appointment, when my wait is, when I test. No. I'm sharing now because it's been 2 months and it was another let down. So I recapped. I want just one aspect of this journey to feel like everyone else. Know that we are trying, and when it happens, and we get to the safe zone to announce, we will share it with the world. Please please please respect that and don't ask. You can certainly comment about anything we've shared so far, offer general support, and whatnot. I don't mind saying "we're working on it", "trying for a baby", or even going into detail about how the process works. I just don't want to keep hearing "Are you pregnant yet?" "When do you go again?" and stuff like that. 

I wish so much that we weren't going through this. I know it's part of our journey and it's our fate/destiny. It's meant to be. I'm okay with all of that and I do honestly and whole-heartedly believe with everything in me that we will have a baby some day soon. I'm just really becoming emotionally drained at the HOW and the WHY. I just want to feel normal. I envy all of those couples that can simply have well-timed sex, pee on a stick, and be done. I honestly feel so many people take that simple thing for granted and I would give so much to be in their shoes. But that's not how life works and that's not in the cards for us. I will never get pregnant that way. Never. Team Ricci has no sperm. It's just not possible for me to get pregnant without driving an hour to the clinic multiple times each cycle to get blood drawn, monitor my hormones, have ultrasounds to check my uterus lining and follicle development, take fertility meds in pill form, self injections, and go for a 5 min procedure to have a vial of donor sperm inserted into my uterus. I feel like a science experiment. It gets emotionally and physically exhausting after a while. Something so natural to all forms of life, and we can only do it with the help of science and technology. Not to say I take that for granted, THANK GOD for science and technology. The world of reproductive medicine is amazing, and without it, I wouldn't even have the chance to carry a baby and experience pregnancy. 

We've been asked more than once about adoption and if we would consider it. We absolutely would, and have nothing against it. It's a wonderful thing and who knows, it may be in the cards for us down the road. But, the current plan is to exhaust all other options first. I want SO badly to experience pregnancy and carry a baby myself, if at all possible. We will continue with IUI for as long as they let us, or a full year, whichever happens with the help of our Doctors. Then, if needed, we will explore IVF, and a new donor only if necessary. I've also been asked if the donor is the problem. I don't believe so at the moment, no. We've had 3 really great samples in terms of numbers and have no reason to believe it's the donor. "Normal" couples can take up to a year to get pregnant anyway. Technically we were pregnant 1/3 of the times so far, so we just keep trying. 

In talking to my nurse today, I learned our Dr. wants to change my protocol for the next cycle. This time we had 2 follicles/eggs, BUT my uterine lining was thin. Clomid can cause that to happen, and I was on Clomid for 3 cycles, this most recent one being a higher dosage than the others. If the lining is too thin, it makes it difficult for an embryo to attach and implant. I was put on Estrace, a drug that is supposed to thicken the lining, but perhaps it didn't do the job well enough. So, this time coming, our plan will be changed. I won't know for sure until I start another IUI cycle again (not sharing specifics of dates or time frames) but from my understanding today, she said something like this... Instead of Clomid, go on 5 days of Femara to stimulate and produce more follicles (similar to Clomid, but doesn't mess with lining as much, if at all). We will aim for 2-3 follicles again to up the chances of success. Then, add in a few days of self-injections of a drug called Gonal-F, a follicle stimulating drug. This scares me a bit because it's more needles. I had become a pro at giving myself the Ovidrel injection just 1x per cycle. Now I have to add in 3+ nights of another that is a click-pen style injection. The thought makes me cringe. My stomach will be all sorts of bruised and black and blue I'm sure. Ick. Ouch. Blah. But, I am strong. I can do it. I am woman, hear me roar! ;) I think I will need the Ovidrel again to trigger ovulation when follicles are a good size and they've set another date for IUI. At this point, Ovidrel will be a piece of cake!! ha! Talk about facing my fears dead on. 

Hopefully this new protocol will have better results. At first we were leery, but my new nurse is just as great as my last, and she answered all my questions today. Why are we changing it up? Why didn't it work? What to expect. I feel comfortable with the answers and think my Dr. is being proactive to get us moving to the next step. I'll be excited and hopeful again in no time by the end of the weekend. 

In closing, sorry for another downer post. Womp, Womp. Negative Nancy. Scott was so bummed by me being sad this morning. I am like the bipolar poster child of emotions. SUPER BUBBLY or SUPER CRANKY. The past 2 weeks I was the first, super bubbly, all smiles, feeling on top of the world. This morning, my world came crashing down and I was in a rut. Scott never gets how I can be so positive, and so negative. But it's how I process. I need to fall to the ground, re-evaluate and assess the situation, feel it, dwell on it, be sad, and then start to sort the pieces and pick back up. I bounce back quickly, but before I do, I'm just plain sad. I was so so sad this morning. Crushed, defeated, blue. How could the universe pick me up with all these signs, just to throw me back down for the count? I will never know the answers, but I can't stop trying or it will really never happen. You gotta keep living. You can't change the past, You can't change what happened. You can only change how you react and adapt to what life gives you. Get up, dust yourself off, and keep going. Maybe in the same direction, Maybe in a different direction, but keep going. 

Keep going, we will. 

Team Ricci will prevail. We will keep on going. We will become parents. We will not give up. We are a team. United we stand. <3 

My new, customized, Team Ricci shirt. :) :) It arrived while we were away, so I wore it today. It was originally for good luck but I decided to wear anyway and it will be a key good luck charm in the next cycle for sure. 

I am so incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful and amazing husband. Scott is my best friend and soul mate. I love him so much and would be lost without him. We are a complete match and a true yin/yang team. I wouldn't trade this journey if it meant going through it with anyone else but him. Our journey makes us who we are, and our baby will be a perfect result of our unique journey. 

While in Myrtle Beach, on date night. We ate at a restaurant overlooking a pier. I wanted some cool pics under the pier and Scott took this one of me. It's become one of my absolute favs. It shows I can't be broken and I will always get back up. 

Thanks for sticking to the bottom of this post. For those of you who also blog, I am so far behind on all your pages but promise I will get back soon. I feel like a hypocrite being supportive of journeys on IG but find I've slipped from keeping up with the blogs now that there are so many of us. I promise it's not a 1-way street and I think of/about, and pray for you all often. Secondary infertility moms, new moms, expecting moms, or still TTC, we are all in this together every step of the way. And to all the non-TTC readers/subscribers, thank you as well. This is a confusing story for you to relate to, but we appreciate your love and support more than you will ever know. Please don't feel bad for us~ I'm not asking for pity. Everyone has their own journey and struggle to face. I am well aware that this could be worse in many many ways. But it's our path, and it's a difficult one in it's own way, that you just can't completely understand unless you've been here. Regardless, the love and support of others is never unnoticed by us and we thank you all. It's helped us get where we are today. Without it, we would still be struggling inside, secretly. This path of communication has allowed us to get awareness out, vent our feelings, and sort through this journey together. Again, we thank you. <3 <3 

Much love,

Stace & Scott

#TeamRicci 

XOXO <3 :)

Get Up Now

Happy Saturday, folks! 

It's a gorgeous day here~ 70s and sunny, blue skies with Toy Story white fluffy clouds.
It's the last day of May. HOW is that possible?  I can't believe it. June is just within reach, and that means summer is just around the corner. It also means the school year is rapidly coming to an end. One of the best classes I have had in a while, and I'm sad to let them go soon. It's a bittersweet feeling. .... I swear each year goes by faster than the one before.  I'm semi sad about that as well and I've never been good with goodbyes. I'm usually a crying mess for at least a short period of time on the last day of school with the kids, and this will definitely be one of those years. 

Speaking of goodbyes and bittersweet moments, I found out yesterday that my assigned nurse at our fertility clinic is leaving. I happened to see her yesterday morning to go over something with her, and she hugged me before I left. I'm all about hugs and often hug the medical assistants who take my blood (haha, weird that I'm so loving to the girls who jab me with needles on a weekly basis, but they're great!). I wondered what it was for, but I'm such a hugger by nature, and I hugged her after she gave me the methotrexate injection a few weeks ago, so it wasn't totally out of character. She emailed me with my results update yesterday and in the email mentioned it was her last day. I was SO bummed, that I almost started crying reading it (we all know I'm an emotional sap) and I was slightly more fixated on that than the main reason she emailed me. It really sucks. I am forever grateful to the entire staff that we've worked with over this past year at the office we go to. They really are wonderful people and have made our visits comfortable, exciting, and bearable. They've supported us in many ways~ phone calls, emails, hugs. I'm really sad and bummed to see our RN go, but happy for her to start a new chapter and adventure. I was happy she asked me to keep her updated, and hopefully we will have good news to share sooner than later. So, if she's reading this, I wanted to give a shout out to say THANK YOU SO MUCH for all that you've done for us. I loved working with you. Sorry for my annoying email rants, worries, and questions. You were amazing and I'm so thankful to have been reporting to you while you were there. Good luck!! :)  

Ok, back to the meat of the post. So, I'm sitting here on the couch, listening to music, and trying to muster some motivation to be productive today. I used to be big on To Do lists, but can't seem to get one going today. I figure as long as I do something, it will be worth while. So far, did one load of laundry, and believe it or not that is a lot for me on a Saturday morning before noon. Ha! There's a lot I need to do, a lot I want to do, and a lot that goes in the middle. I have about 6 hours til Scott is home, so in theory I should be accomplishing a lot. Laundry, cleaning up/organizing, finding a home for my new clothes, school stuff, and a workout is on my list. I should do a whole post for workout motivation... but the amount of time I would throw into it, I would be done with a whole T25 workout... I'm not happy with my current state of self image, so need to get my butt in gear and tone up. Sitting here blogging certainly doesn't make that happen. haha :) 

So I guess the purpose of this post is to document that it's been a good week. It's a good day. It's going to be a good weekend... and it's going to be a great summer. One of my absolute fav songs at the moment is On Top of the World by Imagine Dragons. Every single time I hear it, no matter how I was feeling prior, it puts me in an instant good mood. I've heard it a few times in the last 24 hours, so decided to post the lyrics as kind of a motto for how I'm hoping the summer and the next few months or so will play out. It has a lot of positivity in it. I included a video with the lyrics so you can hear it and read/sing along at the same time. 



It has a great message. It's upbeat. It's positive and happy. So therefore, I love it. <3

Some fav lyrics in particular...

"I take it in but don’t look down

‘Cause I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
I’m on top of the world, ‘ay
Waiting on this for a while now
Paying my dues to the dirt
I’ve been waiting to smile, ‘ay
Been holding it in for a while, ‘ay
Take you with me if I can
Been dreaming of this since a child
I’m on top of the world.

And I know it’s hard when you’re falling down
And it’s a long way up when you hit the ground
Get up now, get up, get up now."

I feel like the whole message is about celebrating the wonderful things in your life. Celebrate when you're feeling on top of the world, tell your loved ones that you love them, don't take things or time for granted, and get back up when you're feeling down. It's hard when you're falling down, and it's a long way up when you hit the ground, but get up dammit. Don't stay there forever. Negativity won't pick you back up, only positive things will...

So get up now, get up, 
                           get up now. 

Chin Up, Buttercup

I decided I needed to write a more positive post. I've been feeling down for too long and need to pick myself back up. Part of it is because of the meds I was on- a lot of things were restricted for the last 2 weeks. A lot of things that are normal stress relievers, and I couldn't do any. Therefore, I felt pretty bummed, stressed, and semi depressed at times. I would get through the day at school, come home exhausted and feeling Blah, and just lay on the couch or sleep a lot. Not fun. It's not me. (Sorry, Scott). 

But now 2 weeks are up and I refuse to be a prisoner to negativity and feeling blah. 

Yes, we've been experiencing a roller coaster of emotions, but I need to stop being blah about it and keep moving forward. There is SOOO much to be thankful for and I need to focus on that. 

One fear I have in being totally open about our journey is that I will turn so many people away from us for being honest. I don't want my honesty to come across as me playing the victim and looking for sympathy or pity. Deciding to start the blog was initially my way of getting it all out there to sort out my emotions and deal with the confusing and complicated things we were experiencing. It also was a very easy way to update family and friends on what's going on (rather than sending mass emails out to people who might not care (you're choosing whether or not you want to read these). And also, if we can help just one other couple on their journey, then I would feel a sense of paying back to those who helped me by posting their experiences and journeys. 

Everyone's journey and story in life is different and we should never judge another without knowing what it's truly like to walk in their shoes. We ALL have struggles in life. They'll vary in how they look, but we all have some stress in our lives that we are dealing with. Ghosts from the past, financial problems, drug addiction, mental illness, relationship problems, work stress, friends/family stress, health problems, a rocky marriage, a combination of these, or something else entirely. Each and every one of us has at least 1 thing that is difficult to go through. Often I've heard some quote along the lines that if we were all in s giant circle and threw our problems out into the open to see what everyone secretly deals with, we'd all go scrambling to regain our own problems, rather than swapping with someone else. Everyone struggles. 

You thought this post wasn't supposed to be negative, right? I'm getting there. :) My point is, everyone struggles with something. Some struggle openly, some keep it private. Just because we are being open about our infertility struggles, it doesn't mean I'm undermining problems that others have. It also doesn't mean that is the only thing we struggle with. Don't judge others by what you see. Chances are, you're only seeing one small piece of the puzzle. So have a little compassion for others. 

I realize that, compared to others, our struggle may be small potatoes. This isn't a life or death health scare. It's not a financial issue (not yet at least!) of losing our house or possessions over. Neither of us are unemployed (Now that Scott got hired by a new company! Yay!!). So, yes, it's one big thing in our life right now and it consumes my mind for most of the day, I am fully aware that we are extremely lucky otherwise. This is in no way a bragging post, but I wanted to list some things I'm thankful for, so that maybe it helps us all realize the wonderful things we have present in our lives. Sometimes they are easily clouded by our struggles, but at the end of the day, there is always someone worse off than you. 

These are a few of my favorite things (or things to be thankful for), in no particular order...

*SCOTT MICHAEL RICCI.... This guy. He simply amazes me. He is the best, ever. Scott has a heart of gold and is one of the most caring people I know. He helps out the people he loves 10000000% and would do anything for them. He is a great listener (despite me accusing him otherwise at times), excellent advice giver, and is so sweet when it counts the most. He can cheer me up or make me feel better when I truly need it the most. He can make me laugh at the times I'm the most depressed, and always tries to get me to smile. He's seen me at my absolute worst (many times) and yet is there whole-heartedly to pick me back up. He's an amazing friend and husband, and I know without a doubt that he will be one of the best dads in the world some day. I'm so so so incredibly lucky to have married a truly wonderful guy. Love you!! <3 

*Amazingly supportive family & friends... Without you all, we wouldn't be where we are. We wouldn't be able to cope with any of this, probably wouldn't be posting anything publicly (in fear of people knowing), and just wouldn't be able to be so positive. Our immediate families have been a huge huge support factor in all of this, as well as our extended family, and of course our friends. Thank you all. Whether you ask us occasionally how things are going, or are too afraid to bring it up and ask, we know you all care for us. It's the everyday actions, the interactions, and overall picture that we look at. We know you care and we appreciate it so much. Thank you for not judging us for going public with this, thank you for not talking negatively about our journey, thank you for asking every once in a while how things are, thank you for checking in, thank you for showing you care in ways other than asking how things are (I know it's hard for some~ you don't know whether to bring it up or not, and that's fine. We know you care, actions speak louder than words). It's your choice and it's okay. We are comfortable with either because we know deep down who cares and who doesn't, so whether you ask or not how things are going, it's okay. I know you care. If you are afraid to ask, but are wondering, I promise it's ok to ask us. Sometimes we like to be asked because it lets us know you aren't sick of hearing about it and it's a safe place to talk openly about it. 

Ok, that part got confusing to word! Sorry! Moving on. :)

*Unsupportive friends people... Sounds weird, I know. But, I'm just as thankful for these people because they've shown us who and what is truly important in our life. They've shown us that they truly just don't care about us or our journey, so neither should we continue to try for them. They've shown me to stop wasting my time and to not care what people think. Thanks for freeing up space in my heart and mind, so I can focus on those who truly do care. You've shown me what's important in my life, and worrying about petty things is just not worth it when we're up against bigger struggles. Life is too short to be anything but happy in areas you can control. 

*Nieces & nephews... I put plural because I consider the kids of my really close friends to be my nieces and nephews, just as much as my brother's children.  My friends' little ones call me "Aunt" too, so why not. Family is not always just blood relation. It's who is closest in your heart. I'm so thankful for these little ones because they show you what pure happiness is. They're made happy by the simplest things in life and they're all just so much fun to be around!! (I wish some weren't a plane ride away but that's life... I'm just thankful to have them in my life). <3

*Getting paid to do what I love... I love my job. Sure there are aspects that drive me crazy at times, but that's any job. I love working with 5 & 6 year-olds every day. I love getting to act like a kid at times and not getting laughed at for it. I love teaching little ones to read and write. I love seeing the amazing ways a child can learn, grow, mature, and change from September to June. I love being a part of Kindergarten. I love teaching in the room I went to Kindergarten in. I love being creative. I love working Monday through Friday. I love having weekends, holidays, and summers off. I love teaching. I love my job. 

*My car... It gets me places. It's a pretty color. It stores a lot. It's a Honda. I just love it. :) 

*The beautiful area in which we live... The Hudson Valley area of New York (just about an hour north of NYC), is truly amazing. I was born and raised here, and it took me a long long time to truly appreciate it for its worth. I can't really describe it but it's just so scenic and beautiful. There are so many picturesque up and down the river that are gorgeous. There are so many mountains to hike, so many picnic spots by the river, so many pretty sunsets, so much to do, amazing AMAZING wineries, state parks, etc. It's just beautiful.... however, winters can be wicked here! 

*A roof over our heads... This is our 2nd home, and who knows where the next few years will take us, but I'm thankful that we are currently in a situation where we have a roof over our heads, a warm house, a comfy bed, running water, doors and windows that lock, etc. Going along with that are daily essentials, and things we all often take for granted: food, water, clothes, shoes on my feet, etc. I often am amazed at how it's possible that I sit here with all these things easily within reach while others around the world dream of having just 1 of these things. It really puts things into perspective real fast.

*4 seasons that are very different where we live. Each season is truly, 100% that season, here in NY. Winters are harsh, bitter, cold, and get TONS of snow. As much as I hate the winter, snowfall is so so pretty and curling up on the couch with a mug of hot chocolate is just so fun. Spring here is usually pretty chilly, and wet, but it's my favorite. Everything starts to bloom, and even though the pollen here gets awful for a bit, it's so beautiful to see all the pretty colors blooming on trees and flowers. The sound of spring peepers and birds outside is so comforting and calming. A perfect spring day here is 70 and sunny, and it's one of the best things ever. Summers get pretty hot at times, but it's also a break from school and a time to recharge those teaching batteries. It's a time to relax, read new books, sleep in, vacation, and lay by a pool. Fall is depressing in some ways because it means summer is over and winter is coming, but it also means the leaves change color (another beautiful sight up here!), sweater weather arrives, and Starbucks comes out with their Pumpkin Spice latte!!! It's also my birthday, and it's just a fun time. 

*Sunshine... Sunshine makes me happy, end of story. I'm totally one of those people who is sad in the winter, or on rainy days. Sunshine equals happiness for me. :) 

*Rain.... Even though rainy days make me tired and gloomy, "No rain, no rainbows!!"

*Our struggles in life, no matter what they are. This may sound weird as well, because these are the things that try to rip you apart from the insides. These are the things that make you cry your eyes out at night, and consume your mind and fears. However, these are the things that make you stronger. These are the things that make you learn in life, make you a better person, make you believe in hope and that things will get better. These are the things that mold you into the person you are meant to be. These are the things that prepare you to deal with future struggles, because there are sure to be many more. 

*Chocolate... need I say more, really?

*Health. As far as we know, in the current moment, we are both fairly healthy. Yes we have things to work on, or things we have to deal with. But, overall, we are both in good health standing at the moment. It could be way worse and I'm glad we are currently okay. 

*Music... I find multiple meanings in songs, and I pull quotes from them often. I can't sing or play an instrument (or really dance) to save my life, but I LOVE listening to all kinds of music. Depending on my mood, I will listen to 20 different types of music. It pumps me up, lets me think, lets me cry, and just kind of makes my day go round. Different moods pull different styles of music, and different music pulls different moods. I'm thankful to pull a lot of life wisdom and advice from songs. I'm constantly writing down song lyrics as little life lessons, mood boosters, signs from above, etc. 

Some current favs...

The Good Life~ One Republic "When you're happy like a fool, let it take you over.. When everything is out, you gotta take it in. Ohh, this has gotta be the good life, good life, good life..."

Be Okay~ Oh Honey "Can't complain about much these days, I believe we'll be okay..."

On Top of the World~ Imagine Dragons 

*Zumba... By stumbling across a Zumba class 4 years ago, it introduced me to many wonderful people and opportunities. It boosted my confidence, gave me some rhythm, and got me in shape. It's become my favorite go-to exercise because it's exercise in disguise. I need to get back on the exercise wagon now that my 2 weeks are up, but it's really one of the best ways for me to lose a few pounds, stay in shape, relieve stress, boost my mood, and be social. 

I'm sure there are plenty of things I am forgetting. In fact, I know there are. But you get the point. No matter how we struggle in life, it's important to look on the bright side and count our blessings, because we all have so many. It's so easy to get caught up in the sadness, depression, and negativity that our challenges and struggles bring. But without looking for the silver linings, your challenges will consume you and defeat you. We all have so many things to be thankful for, on a daily basis. Even on your darkest days, there's something or someone to be thankful for. Instead of listing what's going wrong, or who is against you, think of what's going right, and who is on your side supporting you. It helps to put things in perspective every once in a while and helps boost your mood as well. You can't overcome obstacles if you're always in the darkness.... It'll suck you right in unless you try to walk towards the bright side. 

Although our journey to a baby is a crummy one and is taking way longer than we ever anticipated, and taking everything we've got.... it's part of our journey, I can't change it, and I have so many things I'm currently taking for granted that are going right in my life. I have to focus on that. We all have a lot to smile about. There's always, always, always something to be thankful for.