IVF Worries, Fears, & Rants

I feel like instead of Little Miss Sunshine, I've transformed into Little Miss Cranky Pants in the last 24 hours. Too much stress coming our way and I'm not channeling it all very well at the moment. 

    

This morning was our IVF consult and I was nervous & anxious leading up to it all. Not so much for the actual appointment or even the blood work, but just the overwhelming stress of this all becoming a reality and quickly coming down the road. I hate that we are in this situation and need to even go this route. I know I need to suck it up bc there's no other option in terms of me being pregnant, but it does just downright suck. I hate being in this boat. I have that IVF is now our only option of becoming pregnant. I hate that insurance doesn't cover it. I hate how involved & expensive it is. I hate the whole process. AND I hate that it's making me cranky & miserable before it even starts. 

My infertility journal that I started in 2012- random notes from Dr. appts on our journey of 3+ years, thoughts, etc. <3

Our appointment this morning was mostly fine but it wasn't anything too different really. I love our clinic and all the staff there but honestly it was a little strange how the consult started. The first thing our Dr. asked is if Scott was going to consider getting the biopsy (sperm-mapping) with his urologist. We were confused and a little surprised bc this was done a whole year and a half ago and the result was the reason we turned to IUI with donor sperm. We told the Dr. we already did the biopsy and she asked what the result was-- and I was like "umm... they found no sperm, which is why we have been using donor sperm for the last year with IUI". I wish she hadn't started with that bc Scott was instantly upset and I felt a little bummed and like another number. I know they have a zillion patients and different offices but I had seen her a lot and it's all on my chart, so I was upset that an oversight like that started our convo. We spent the next 10 mins or so going over a powerpoint about the IVF process (I feel like a snob bc I feel like I've done enough research by now that none of it was new info to be honest). The good thing is that we WILL be able to use the sperm vials we already have on hand at the lab. I assumed we needed to buy new ones because they are prepared differently, but having IUI ones first makes it almost better- they can be used for IVF as well. Score on that part at least so we aren't essentially flushing those down the drain along with the money we spent on it. The Dr. said our chance of success is between 50 and 60% for my age, and every cycle would have about the same chance, like flipping a coin. It doesn't drop off after time, which is good. I asked about my fear of ovulating too soon but she again insisted that the meds would prevent that (assuming the trigger).  

My ideal start time would be my next cycle- the end of June/early July. However we go away the 1st week in July which would interfere with starting then... so I asked about going on birth control until we get back from vacation (sounds ironic, I know, but clinics use it all the time to get people on the same track and/or pause your cycle for a bit). She said that would be fine and then I should be able to jump back on track when we are back from vacation. The weird thing is that she didn't mention anything at all about the lab closing for 2 weeks in the summer... the finance girl happened to mention it later. Shocked, I was like "wait, what? When? Why?"- They close for 2 weeks every year, summer and winter for OSHA cleaning. They close June 27-July 12, which ironically falls around the time we would need to start. So even if we weren't going away, I think they would put me on the pill anyway until they opened again, or would wait until my next cycle. So in a sense it's a lucky thing. 

We also met with finance and went over everything. Only problem is that all the money needs to be paid up front, in full, before starting. It's just over $15K, and we feel like we can just swing it between our tax return and savings. I'm more freaked out about any additional cycles, because if it doesn't work on the first shot, we have to pay more. It won't ever be another full $15K unless we end up with no embryos and need to start all over from scratch again, but even an FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) is like $5K. Stupid insurance for us doesn't cover a penny. Thankfully they did cover IUI which is why we tried to exhaust it as long as possible. But IVF is ridic. 

What we did find out (Scott found out, actually... although we heard something similar from other friends along the way) is that NY has a grant available to NY residents at certain clinics. Our clinic is in CT so it doesn't apply there, but they have a sister company in NY, so we are now in the early stages of contacting them to apply for the grant. We fit all of the initial criteria we found online and if they cover anything that makes it cheaper than the CT price, we might as well go for it. The only downfall is that it means swapping clinics, to a degree. They said I would be able to do all of my monitoring through CT still, but the egg retrieval & embryo transfer would be in NYC. It's further away and harder to get to, but if it saves us money, it would obv be worth it. So we are looking into all of that now and will see what happens. I feel like we are on a time crunch so it's all a little overwhelming and stressful for now. I'm mad at our insurance coverage and mad that we can't do this the natural way, but whatever. We set up a new patient appt in a closer satellite office for June 8, and I emailed the NY office about the grant application. 

One good thing is that I rocked the blood draw!! Jess is amazing (as all of the nurses there are, but she has become my fav & I absolutely adore her) and kept me distracted so 10 vials was no big deal! Bleh... 10... that's a lot of blood. I did it though! (Check out her evil smile... she secretly enjoys this, haha). :) 

Love you, Jess! <3

               

 So, from here, it's kind of more waiting. Waiting to see if we can apply for this grant and get started on stuff through the NY clinic... Waiting for the appt with them... Waiting to see if we can still work with CT for monitorings and whatnot (Since they're like sister clinics, hopefully all our info can easily be shared between the two to make this a little simpler for us)... Waiting to see how we can best afford it all... Waiting for my next cycle to start... Waiting for it all to be settled and cleared so we can start the process... etc. Etc. Etc. 

We ALSO had an appt for Scott today as a followup to a trip to the ER last month. He had severe stomach pains and we thought it was his appendix. They did a CT scan and determined it was pancreatitis. He was put on a super limited diet for a week until pain and inflammation went away and was told to avoid alcohol, caffeine, fatty foods, etc. He wanted a second opinion and had a follow up with a Dr for a diff issue today, but a Dr who specializes in digestive issues. Thankfully he said it couldn't have been a serious case of it bc they would have admitted him and given IV fluids- he was shocked we were sent home that day, so he called it a pretty mild case. He did say it's smart to avoid the above things for a bit and then it's ok to have them in moderation. He suggested a pretty healthy diet and said it's def possible for a flareup again, but if Scott plays it smart, it's not likely. So after a few more weeks of playing it safe and making sure everything is all healed, he can have a drink with me every so often as a treat. So that's good at least. Silver lining. Not a death sentence- just a wakeup call to eat healthier, and we could all use that so there's no harm there. Just extra time hopefully. :) 

Did I also mention how our house is still not selling? Another MAJOR stressor. Everyone loves the house itself but the power lines out behind our house are a complete deal breaker for pretty much everyone that comes through for a showing. It's super frustrating. A few people have been somewhat interested but nothing has come out of it. We've tried suggesting a few things but not getting anywhere there either. Our "dream home" is currently available and we currently have a deal that they've accepted, based on the sale of our home or Scott's parents (Which is now on the market... they live in SC now and don't need 2 big homes)... however I know the deal won't last forever. We need it to sell. It's so frustrating. The power lines are 100% safe (the kitchen clock radio gives off the same amount of electromagnetism as the closest power line... and the microwave is like 12x the amount. We have reports showing this and they're all out for prospective buyers to see) but it's just a matter of the right people coming in I guess. 

Im normally all about positivity & looking on the bright side. But it's really hard sometimes, and really really hard now. It's a lot at once. I want to believe it'll all happen bc I truly believe we deserve this to happen, but it's hard when nothing is moving. It's like being in quicksand or just a stick in the mud. We aren't going anywhere and are at a standstill. I hate complaining bc there are so many people who have it way worse in life. I have a million things to be thankful for, that I AM thankful for, but my goodness there is a lot of hope and belief for nothing to be happening. It's like being stuck at a big intersection where all the other roads are getting green lights multiple times and your light is still red. Nothing is tripping it to signal your turn- you just see everyone rushing by happily on their green lights and waiting anxiously for our turn. Is the light broken? Or is our turn really going to come along ever? 

It's a lot to handle. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to just burst one day, so I gotta keep taking it one day at a time. Ok, off to Zumba in a bit. I need to dance out some stress... then maybe Little Miss Sunshine will return soon. <3 :) 

'Til next time..
Stace
XO

"Follow the Yellow-Brick Road"

The journey to Baby Ricci has been quite a long and bumpy road, and we're still on it. It's unmarked, unclear, and unpaved. We thought once we hopped onto the IUI path, it would be a straight shot to a pregnancy. After going through 6 cycles over the past year, we've realized that a new path is coming into view: The Road to IVF.... our Yellow-Brick Road that will hopefully lead us to Oz. 

So here we are, about to jump into the IVF process. I hoped we wouldn't need to get to this stage, but we do. I can't change it, and there's nothing I can do about it. If we want a baby (which, DUH, of course we do) and if I want to be pregnant/carry/deliver (another DUH), then this is our only option. Can't go kicking and screaming through life's disappointments (ok, yes, temporarily, absolutely! But long term, unacceptable). So onward we will go.

(**Note: Positivity only from this point forward. Scott & I have been fortunate enough to have only received positive and genuine support from others, however I am aware that negativity lies out there in the world. I also am aware that IVF is controversial in some corners of the world. I know that some are against it for all kinds of reasons, be it religious, moral, whatever. Please keep those vibes away from our positive bubble. I respect your difference in opinion if you have one, and that's as far as it goes. #TeamRicci is all about positivity, and this is simply a documentation of our journey to have a baby. Thank you for respecting that and our decision to whole-heartedly accept this path in our journey.**)

We have an IVF consultation appointment with our Dr on May 27th. I assume we'll discuss everything IVF-related under the sun- process, finances, timeline, what-ifs, etc. I also need another big round of blood work (like 8-10 vials) because they require it yearly and it happens to be up. I say big round bc anything more than 1 vial is a lot to me. It makes me anxious, I get nervous I'll pass out, etc. I want to rip out the needle if I have to sit there longer than like 30 seconds and sometimes my veins are stubborn. haha. At least Scott will be with me, and I'm asking my fav nurse to call dibs on me bc she is good at distracting me. :) As of this moment, I *HOPE* to be able to jump into IVF on my July cycle. I debated whether or not I could start before school gets out, but the timing of everything is a little off, plus this is my fav time of year at school- I ADORE my class and don't want to miss tons of time during our last weeks together. Scott & I are going on vacation shortly after school gets out, so I hope to start as soon as we return from vacation if all goes smoothly in terms of that. We'll see. My goal is to have a cycle done before school starts back up. But again, none of this is in my control, so we'll go with the flow and see what happens I guess. It's all I can do.

***If ANYONE has any important Qs, things to consider, things to suggest, ask, etc for our consultation (preferably those who understand the process and have been through it or are close to someone who has), please send them my way. I'm building a running list in my mind for our discussion next week.***

I have to admit, a little tiny part of me is excited for the IVF process. It honestly intrigues me big time! The whole process is really SO fascinating and interesting to me. It's incredible where science & technology have gotten us in today's world and I can't even imagine what the future holds in this area.  It would be impossible for me to explain the IVF process correctly without having gone through it, so feel free to check out *this link* or Google another source/site yourself, but here's a quick run-down of my own interpretation and what I'm expecting (in a small nutshell). 

*Wait for your next cycle to start & go to the clinic somewhere between day 1-3 of cycle for blood work and an ultrasound to make sure you're all clear to start. 

*Start meds (pill form for a few days??... AND injections... probably lots of them. The point is to produce a good amount of eggs to extract. You only want a few egg follicles for IUI but you want more for IVF as they are essentially harvesting them to fertilize/freeze for later).  Lots and lots and lots of injections. This is the first part that scares me because although IUI had pills & injections, it was way less. The minor leagues. IVF is the big leagues for sure! Needles, and needles, and needles... OH MY! You also have to keep going to the clinic to check number of egg follicles and how quickly they're growing, sizes, etc. You don't want to ovulate before retrieval- you don't want to go too early or too late, you want Goldilocks to help make it just right! (This means lots of morn visits to the clinic again for monitoring. 50 min drive one way just for a quick 10 min checkup... but it's all for a good cause ANNNND I adore my nurses. Win win.)

*Egg retrieval. When the Drs give the go ahead, I'll do the trigger shot to induce ovulation (just like IUI) and go to the hub of our clinic, the Norwalk CT office (rather than to Danbury) for the egg retrieval. I get knocked out for this (something else I freak out about bc it's more needles/IV) but thankfully once that's over I'm good bc I won't know what's happening and/or won't remember the procedure. They go in and literally extract all the egg follicles from my ovaries. Each egg will be fertilized with sperm that day, on site in the lab, and then we wait to see how many fertilize (usually about half I think), and then they're monitored from there to see how many mature/grow as they should. I'm nervous about this part too just because I would hate to get this far and have something awful happen (nothing to extract, I ovulate too soon, nothing fertilizes, nothing matures, etc.). But we cross those bridges if we need to. I can't control much here so I'll try to stay positive and do what I can. 

*Wait & worry (about all above scenarios)... until the embryologists call with results of how many embryos and what quality. 

*Embryo transfer. Return to the Norwalk clinic (brand-new beautiful office as of a few months ago, by the way.... BEAUTIFUL... I secretly love needing to visit here bc it's all new and pretty) and have 1 or 2 embryos transferred directly into my uterus (prob similar to an IUI in a sense). Then you go home and go through the dreaded waiting period to see if they stick and you're pregnant. If not pregnant, you could go through another cycle and hopefully don't need to retrieve anymore eggs but can hopefully do a frozen embryo transfer (FET) with any remaining embryos from the last cycle in which eggs were retrieved/fertilized. Again, crossing that bridge ONLY if we need to. If no embryos are left, you have to go back to square one and start again, building up eggs to retrieve. 

So, in a sense some things are similar to IUI. In a lot of ways, though, it's different. I know I left stuff out and again I'm only giving a quick nutshell of things I'm expecting. Everyone's case is different and every cycle can be different. Each Dr/Clinic are different, too. 

Another bonus to doing IVF over the summer is obv not needing to take time off from work. I hear egg retrieval can take a lot out of you and expect to be laying low after that. I aslo expect lots of bloating and discomfort. I know how 4-6 follicles made me feel after the last IUI cycle, so I imagine IVF is way worse in the discomfort department so it'll be nice to not have anywhere I need to be. I'm fearful of the meds making me super irritable, bloated, and downright crabby & cranky. I'm fearful of all the extra needles and shots. I'm fearful of summer flashing by bc I'll be measuring it all by drives to CT and cycle days, Dr orders, etc. I'm fearful of getting overwhelmed and depressed. I'm fearful of feeling crummy. Blah blah blah.... BUT (thanks to the advice of a good friend!... also the advice I always give others yet never seem to follow myself until it comes back to me by others.) all I can do is take it one day at a time. I can go for walks. I can eat right (like lots and lots of salads... haha). I can be outdoors. I can get fresh air. I can sleep in. I can watch TV. I can enjoy summer. I can hangout with friends. I can do it. :) 

In the words of  the Little Engine that Could, "I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can." (Yup, I just read it to my kindergarten class yesterday!)... I can get through it. I will get through it. I know SOOO many strong and amazing women who are IVF mamas and they are ALL inspirational. I know I can get through it and it's mind over matter. I felt this way with IUI too and have breezed through 6 cycles. I overcame those needles and felt empowered doing my own injections. I accomplished a lot and changed/grew a lot. I can do this too. It'll take more out of me in many ways, but I CAN and WILL get through it. It'll take time, effort, motivation, and support, but I can do it. I'll certainly cry and weep some days, but I'll fight like hell other days. In the end, I can't wait to tell our child(ren) all that we went through to become their mommy & daddy. That'll be a pretty epic adventure story someday. 

Last time I left you with a pic of me and a puppy. This time I'll leave you with a pic of me and a kid (haha, not a human kid, although hopefully someday soon). 

This sweet little baby goat is just 1 week old and this was taken this morning. One of my school kiddos lives within walking distance of my school and his parents own and run a goat/chicken farm. They had about 30 baby goats around 1 month old, and this little guy was the newest kid on the farm. Made my day. If I can be this happy with a baby GOAT, imagine my excitement with a BABY RICCI!! :) :) :) :) 

Someday it'll happen. Someday. Somehow. Somewhere over the rainbow. Until then, all I can do is follow my yellow-brick road... <3 <3

Just BeLiEvE,

Stace 

XOXO

#TeamRicci

National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW)... AKA The Week Life Keeps Kicking Us Down

I think this is going to be a four-part post, with the following pieces intertwined:

1. National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW)

2. The week from Hell in our house

3. Motivational quotes/pics

4. Where do we go from here?

HAPPY INFERTILITY AWARENESS WEEK!!!! (April 19-25, 2015)

The theme this year is: You Are Not Alone 

Honestly, part of that does make me happy and I do want to shout it from the rooftops (if I had a voice to- more on my lovely laryngitis later). Infertility is certainly no walk in the park on a beautiful spring day, BUT having a week to really shove awareness in people's faces is kind of fun. I've been dedicated to posting something about it on Instagram every day this week. I try to raise awareness all year long whenever I can, but this week is extra special. It's all about letting others know it's ok to share their story and not to be ashamed of being infertile. It's also to educate those who don't know anything about it (the lucky ones as I like to call you). So many friends often say they feel bad they don't know anything about the process of IUI, IVF, etc and I automatically say "That's ok! Why/How would you unless you know someone who's gone through it or have gone through it yourself. I certainly was pretty clueless to all of this too before it affected us personally." It's only natural. But now that it does affect us, I like people to realize some of the following tips:

- Be sensitive to others... Not everyone gets pregnant easily, naturally, quickly, or at all. 

- Relaxing will not magically make us pregnant. I know stress makes things more complicated, but being reminded to not stress out will likely only stress us out more. 

- Telling us to stop trying & it will happen when we least expect it doesn't help. I know people mean well, and I know so many have conceived unexpectedly after adopting or after different things, and yes we can give it a break... but a lot of people forget that in our case we are missing a KEY factor in making a baby. Sperm will not just magically appear. Scott is infertile. Cold but true fact we have accepted. I cannot get pregnant without doing IUI or IVF (now apparently only IVF since we all know 6 IUIs is enough for me, I'm done with that route, bitter topic). It's like if I was missing eggs- relaxing and taking a break won't magically make more eggs appear. 

- 1 in 8 couples is affected by some form of infertility. Chances are, many people you know, are going through this (or have already). Not everyone is comfortable talking about their journey, and that's ok. But raising awareness so others might feel comfortable opening up is a good thing. This is NOT an easy journey to go through, even with support. Imagine all those suffering quietly because it wasn't okay to share it. It needs to be normalized. Families come in all different forms and pregnancies happen in different ways. It's all OK. 

- You can wear pink/blue sometime this week in support. 

- Give an extra hug to someone you know who is struggling to become a parent (or to someone who has). 

My FAV nurse drew a heart on my Bandaid this week. Just because. :) 

A big part of NIAW for me is not only to raise awareness and get our story out, but to inspire others with our story. My heart breaks for anyone having to go through this, but it breaks even more for those suffering quietly. When the news first hit us, we were devastated and didn't know who or where to turn to. I got lucky in finding blogs & amazing women on Instragram, but not everyone is as lucky. I would turn to Dr. Google like so many of us do- and although it's not always a smart thing to do that in a crisis, it certainly helped in this case. I found message boards, blogs, and hashtags of posts that led me to a support group. Social media and hashtags can do wonders (sometimes). One day I must have searched #infertility or #ttc (TTC= Trying To Conceive) or something along those lines and BAM, eye-opener: WE ARE NOT ALONE... There are other people out there struggling with this. Our paths and stories all look different, but we all want the same thing, to be parents. That one thread bonds us all together and the heartache/hope/wish/dream is the same. Instant sisterhood. Instant support. Instant understanding. Instant help. Instant motivation, courage, strength, and comfort. I need to update the links on my blog bc there are hundreds of amazing women out there blogging about their fertility journeys and they're all inspirational. I hope to someday help people in turn, and obv hope to someday be the one with baby bump posts and motherhood posts, rather than the cheerleader cheering everyone else on (like always the bridesmaid and never the bride... always the aunt and never the mom.. etc) but I have to have faith it'll happen soon. The biggest thing about this is that there are MILLIONS of couples struggling, and it's ok. It's nothing to be ashamed of and the more it's talked about, the more normal it will become to insensitive and ignorant people of the world. It's ok to get pregnant in other ways. It's ok to become parents in other ways. Our hearts are big, our dreams are big, and we will fight to become parents no matter what it takes. 

Coming out with our story was one of the best decisions I've ever made and I'm constantly thankful that I was brave enough to make that decision. Sometimes shocked and sometimes proud because coming from shy me, it's a big step to publicize your struggles to the world. But it's also gained us so much support and has hopefully helped (or will help) others along the way too. It's been 2 years since I started this blog and I'm so humbled to hear when people are willing to read it or when I get emails from women who came across it on a google search. It makes my heart smile and that's why I post- awareness, support, and a healthy way to channel my emotions. 

A quick recap on this past week, AKA "The Week Life Keeps Kicking Us Down"...

     

1. Our house is on the market. Beautiful house & development, but we have power lines on our property/in the backyard... everyone LOVES the house and then bam, dealbreaker. :( We got the lines tested and they barely give off any electromagnet energy- to put it in perspective, the clock radio in the kitchen gives off the same as the closest pole in the yard. The microwave gives off about 10x as much as the closest pole. Translation- they're totally safe and just a potential eyesore if anything. Never really bothered us and they ended up blending in. We finally got an offer, after like 30 families turned it down, negotiated on price and came to an agreement. Realized our dream house is still available, want said dream house and now can't stop dreaming about dream house... then BAM buyers back out last Friday. Suddenly the poles are a prob for them, no deal. Strike one.

2. After our 6th, and most perfect, IUI attempt (most perfect in terms of EVERYTHING to possibly raise our chances of success in place) and me being super hopeful yet again, I got my period and BAM no baby. Strike two. (This was confirmed with a negative blood test on Monday, too, btw. So no chance of still being pregnant and what if it was something else, blah blah... nope. Not my luck.)

3A. I wake up Monday morning with a sore throat.... turned into a cold/post-nasal drip/laryngitis. I tend to get this every 1-3 years, usually in the beginning of spring, often around parent-teacher conferences (thankful it showed up after them, so there's 1 silver lining I suppose!). Not much I can do except let it run it's course, drink TONS of water and/or tea, and try not to talk more than I need to (Scott does love this part I'm sure). Since I kind of NEED to talk all day at school, that's difficult (try yelling to your class it's time to line up while on the playground... eeeek! Indoor play tomorrow I guess!). 

3B... In the middle of me getting sick (I happened to take Tues off as a sick day for myself to rest, before even losing my voice), I drove Scott to the ER on Tues morn. He woke up early with an unusual kind of stomach pain he's never experienced before and it lasted a few hours. It eventually started to move lower and to the right side. I called my brother because I knew he had his appendix taken out and described similar pain- at this point while talking on speaker phone and matching to Scott's symptoms, Scott started pacing the room and wincing in more pain. Off we went to the ER, which luckily is only 10 mins away. And how ironic I had already taken off from work, so I was home and didn't need to make any work arrangements. Long story short, we were there 3 hours (blood drawn, stomach pressed on painfully by the Dr, gross fluids drank, morphine trip to help with pain, IV bags) and finally a CT scan showed that it was actually a case of acute pancreatitis. His pancreas became inflamed, causing severe pain. Looking this up online, and talking to the Dr, this can be caused by heavy drinking. But the funny thing is Scott wasn't drinking heavily. We have a drink or two some nights of the week, and Saturday night had a few extra, but honestly nothing I would consider alarming, and nothing that warranted a hangover the next day. Weird. We also wonder if it was somewhat of a fluke caused by a combo of some drinking, diff meds he was put on for bronchitis last week, eating lots of meat, and obv being stressed. The kicker is that until the inflammation goes down, the Dr. said *NO* alcohol, protein, fats (and upon researching, also no dairy) because the pancreas works extra hard to process these foods.... they suggested a bland diet of rice and pasta. We threw in some fruits & veggies too. Poor Scott, his diet is so boring and restricted this week. Once inflammation goes down, next week he can have most normal stuff again but drinking needs to be VERY limited. Like 1-2 drinks, that's it. We know it's a healthier lifestyle and ironically were just discussing this with his nutritionist at the Dr the day before this happened, but there's a difference when it's by choice and when it's forced. It just takes more time to get used to mentally, and at this point feels like a punishment. He just feels like he's being kicked down and punished over and over, and is sick of being sentenced with for-life things... Testosterone treatment for life, he developed some odd throat/swallowing disorder and needs to use a daily inhaler to prevent it for the rest of his life, now having certain diet restrictions possibly for life, asthma for life, infertile for life, it's just a bit too much for a guy who is so completely amazing in so many ways. Nice guys finish last- it's not fair and he doesn't deserve this. 

3 strikes.

House stress.... Fertility stress... Health stress.... That was strike 3. NO MORE BAD NEWS... Done. TIME TO FIGHT BACK! (Wise words from my friend, Ryan) :) 

 So where do we go from here?

We're currently (I think) at the bottom, ground zero. I was on cloud 9 two weeks ago, thinking of the possibility of everything suddenly working out for us. Now we are laying on the floor with only one direction to move in... UP. We can only go up from here. Time to start climbing and building strength/motivation again.

We have decided we are done with IUI. Before this past cycle, I initially wanted to try for a few more times, but I keep putting my ALL into every cycle. Physically, mentally, spiritually, I've done it all. Every factor was in place this time to boost our chances and it still didn't work with all the odds in our favor. So I've kind of lost faith in the process and can't put myself through that again for only a 20% chance of success (even that is prob higher than it likely is).

Moving on to IVF seems like the best option for us, and the step that makes the most sense to come next. Originally I thought I would like to keep going with more IUIs, like up to 10 or so, but I've had a change of hearts. Most clinics seem to suggest IVF after about 3 or 4 IUIs, bc if it hasn't happened by then, it probably won't. Even though insurance covers the bulk of IUI, we are still paying a lot each cycle, and if we keep going, we will end up dishing out the cost of IVF anyway (just spread out). I can't keep putting myself through this emotional turmoil for such low chances, it only makes our hearts ache more, and we certainly aren't getting any younger. So it finally hit me, reluctantly at first, that if this past cycle didn't work with ALLLLL those perfect scenarios in place, then we need to close the door and move on. So IVF, here we come... eventually.

It hasn't been decided exactly when we will start the IVF process, but I definitely want to before another school year starts back up in September. So that gives us a few months to play with. I think another break is much needed for my mental and physical well-being, as well as our bank accounts. I'm still on the fence of whether or not to start up before school lets out, or wait until we are back from a vacation in early July. There are pros and cons of each. But ultimately we need to have an IVF consult with our Dr, so I'll set that up soon now that the dust is starting to settle a bit around here.

To be honest, the IVF process terrifies me and scares me to my core. I know I said the same about IUI, and acupuncture, and blood draws (HA! That's all child's play at this point), and I became a pro at those things (who knew... it still seriously amazes me). I know I can, and will, survive the IVF process as well (as SOOO many women have, and so many who inspire me on a daily basis, a lot of them now moms), but still scares the heck out of me. There will be extra needles, extra meds, BIGGER NEEDLES & some that Scott will need to inject into my fatty rear end... ughhhh, seriously cringing at that thought... of the needle AND trusting Scott to do it (we joke about him happily stabbing me), and having to go under for the egg retrieval procedure... all are making me shout OUCHHHH in my mind. But I suppose I have time to adjust to the thought of it, build up lots and lots of inspiration and motivation, suck it up, and just do it. It's all for a baby, and because of that I have to keep my eyes on the prize at the end. It will all be worth it some day when we hold our baby (or babies) in our arms. Some day that wish WILL come true. We are doing all we can to get there.

NIAW comes to an end today, but infertility awareness will forever be a part of our lives. It's been one hell of a week, for all kinds of reasons, but I'm finally beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It cannot rain forever, and things have to start looking up. They just have to. I already feel mentally way better than last week. This one took longer to get over because of everything else that hit us at the same time this week, but we will boost forward again. I've said it before and I'll say it for the rest of my life, Scott is my sanity in all of this, and I would not be able to cope with things so well if it weren't for his strength and support. #TeamRicci has made it through many obstacles and we will make it through this one too. I'm so lucky to have such an amazing guy as my husband and the father of our future babies. I'm forever thankful for you, hun. I love you! <3 We will get through all of this as well, because we'll do it together.

Ending on another positive note, I have to share the highlight of my day yesterday. A coworker at school breeds Bernese Mountain dogs, and one recently had 2 puppies. She brought them by yesterday for a visit and I was in puppy heaven!! This little cutie is 8 weeks (they get very big!) and is off to a new family today. They look like such stuffed animals and were THE cutest. It put me in total puppy love and now I want a puppy of our own. If we are lucky enough to move before September, maybe we can make that happen. We've always said we'd have a dog after kids, and that has taken forever as well. At this point I'm thinking it would be nice to have a dog already trained and settled before kids arrive. But summer would be best for me to be able to help/train it since I'm home more, so maybe that will work out for us. Who knows. We would get a different kind because these beauties are too big, but seriously HOW CUTE is this puppy!!!! I finally got to smile again this week. Thanks for pointing that out to me, Jess. <3 :)

For real. highlight of my day!!! She is NOT a stuffed animal, just one of the cutest puppies ever!!!
**PUPPY LOVE**

That's all, folks... for now. ;)

As always, forever thankful for your love & support!! Thanks for reading!

XOXO,
Stace <3

Dear Karma, You've Got it all Wrong

I repeat:

Dear Karma, 

You've got it all wrong. You've clearly confused us with someone else. Is this really what happens when you follow the rules and try to always be kind & fair? That's crap... Enough is enough. It's on.

Insincerely,
TeamRicci

I'm heading to bed very shortly and will try to update later in the week to fill in any blanks, but basically you can tell this cycle did not go as planned. Got my period this weekend. Game over. 4 good follicles this time, my uterine lining was perfect, my hormone levels were excellent, I was hopeful, I prayed multiple times daily, I did all the right things, only to be shot down again. I'm done. Spent, drained, exhausted, frustrated, sad, hurt, and angry. Feeling broken because I can't make this happen for Scott, but in a sense hopeful he knows he can't put the blame on himself. I can't make it happen either. 

I can't keep putting my ALL into these cycles with only a 20% chance (or less) of success. It's too difficult. I wanted to keep trying a few more times but honestly each failure hits me harder and harder than the last. I think I'm out of hope and then I somehow build up more than before. Same goes for motivation and drive, but that only means each fall is that much harder as well. The impact gets more and more intense. And this one was big. So I can't keep doing this for such a low shot of success. 

Our next move will be IVF. We're giving ourselves a few days to continue to process this and to give ourselves a mental break. But then we will set up an IVF consult with our Dr, figure out what we can handle financially speaking in terms of time, and go from there. Ideally between now and August so it can be done or started before a new school year starts up in September, but we'll see. This isn't the route we wanted to go (only bc of cost, extra meds/needles, more invasive procedures, etc) but I know I can build up strength and motivation to get pumped up for it in time. And if it is the path that gets us there, so be it. I can suck it up and do it for our future baby/babies. I know tons of strong women who have gone through it, some silently, and I admire ALL of their incredible strength. Plus it's for our family, and it's to make a baby, so I can do it. I just have to mentally prepare myself and start training. 

The second piece of this Karma crap is that we had another, unrelated, emotional bomb to deal with this weekend. Our house has been on the market & we finally got an offer. After negotiating back and forth, we agreed on a price and signed the offer. While waiting on inspection date and whatnot, we suddenly got word Friday morn that they decided to back out of the deal and no longer want the house. Then my period arrived. Two slaps in the face from the Universe & Karma. Two doors of opportunity slammed in our face. When just last week I was on Cloud 9 with the possibility of having both things work out for us. I feared it was too good to be true bc we don't have that kind of luck. Scott reminded me that after being kicked down so many times, it would be fair and it would be ok for luck to finally go our way. But nope, let's mess with them again and pull the rug from beneath their feet yet again. So back down square 1 we are once more. 

So again I say, Karma, you've got it all wrong. Enough is enough. Now it's war. 

P.S... Happy National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW), as of today. April 19-25. The theme is You Are Not Alone. 1 in 8 couples is affected by infertility. One in Eight... that is a scary high number. Be aware, people. Be considerate, sensitive to others, and kind, especially when talking about/complaining about/asking about pregnancies, babies, etc. You NEVER know who your audience is. But to those of you suffering, You are NOT alone, ever. <3 <3

Thanks to all of you for your continued support (phone, text, email, letters, hugs, or simply just by reading this). It's appreciated more than you know!! <3

XOXO,
Stace
#TeamRicci