Bittersweet Christmas Feelings

"It's the most wonderful time of the year..." or so the song goes. The holiday season was always a favorite for Scott & I, even before we were together. Not because of the gifts under the tree but just because there's always been some type of magic in the air. Some of my favorite things about the Christmas season have always been Christmas lights, the magic & wonder of it all, giving gifts to others, fun decorations, and the excitement of children awaiting Santa's arrival. 

I don't know what it is about Christmas lights but they always relax me and make me smile. One year in college, I came home from babysitting late one night and Alli had decorated our room with lights to cheer me up (I think I was stressed or bummed about something). It brought instant happiness! Then, one of the first years Scott & I were married, I came home to our tree up and lit; Scott had done it all on his own while I was at work.  New York City in December always has a magical feel to it, too. Lights and decorations at every corner; Rockefeller Center; etc. 

Life, however, has had a funny way of trying to ruin the holiday season for us numerous times. Scott being in retail for 14 years meant sacrificed holiday time and often waiting for him to get home on Christmas Eve while dinner got cold. Long retail hours of nights and weekends were difficult on us at times but we got through it. Fortunately, as of last fall, Scott changed jobs and now we have a "normal" life of working Monday-Friday during the day. Nights and weekends together has been great and last year was the first holiday season we got to actually enjoy together. 

But then there's the other reason I secretly have a love/hate relationship with Christmas.... It marks yet another year of trying to get pregnant. Christmas Eve of this year will mark exactly 4 years since I went off the pill and we decided we were officially ready to start a family. 4 years. Thanks for the reminder, most wonderful time of the year. More like most awful way to be reminded we are still childless. 

Christmas 2011- we started trying to have a baby
Christmas 2012- realized it's been a whole year and we need to seek help from Drs 
Christmas 2013- If we hadn't miscarried our pregnancy from IUI #2, our due date would have been this week. Oh, and realize it's now been 2 years trying and things are getting old.  Couldn't look at Christmas or baby stuff without tearing up.
Christmas 2014- Realize it's been 3 years trying and that we could have had a 1-year old by now. 

That brings us to now, 2015, aka 4 years trying... but hopefully getting closer soon. At least now we are on our yellow-brick road to Oz via IVF. We got 8 frozen embryos out of our IVF cycle over the summer and hopefully our baby/babies are in that batch as we gear up for another try soon. Hopefully we are getting closer and hopefully this is our last Christmas just us. But who knows. I still hate certain Christmas stuff. Those cute Christmas jammies? Secretly hate them. Baby's First Christmas anything? Yup, hate those too. It all is just so damn cute but makes me want to cry because I have no need to buy them right now. I keep telling myself "Maybe next year... maybe next year... maybe some day...". Blah. 

So, yea, I've got some bittersweet feelings on my plate for our favorite time of year. Can you blame me? I want to stay hopeful, as I most often do, but sometimes it's hard. I pray our time is coming and one day I will stop worrying about everything, even just for a bit. For now I just have to believe that all will be right some day and keep believing in the magic of the season. Maybe our time is finally coming. I hope so. 

In the meantime, Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays to all! 

XOXO,

Stace <3
#TeamRicci

Stuck

Simply put, I feel like I'm stuck in a rut. 

 I feel like this often but it's usually just for a passing moment. I think lately I've been feeling it more often and each time it lingers for longer and longer. I feel like I'm stuck in a rut and am only able to half make it out sometimes. 

We started trying to have a baby about 4 years ago. Yup- FOUR YEARS. I went off the pill on Christmas Eve of 2011. 4 years. Four long, grueling, depressing, emotionally draining, stressful, tough years. And we aren't even close to being done with this journey yet. I have no idea how much longer it'll take. How many more cycles of IVF will it take before it works? How many more cycles of IVF can we even afford? Will we run out of embryos before we get a viable/healthy pregnancy out of it? Will we have to start from scratch again? Will we have to adopt? Will we give up? Will we be forced to give up if/when money becomes an issue?

December used to be one of my favorite months because the holiday season made me so happy. But over the last few years, it's become tougher because it's filled with difficult emotions for me. December 2011 is when we started officially trying when I went off the pill. December 2012 marked 1 official year of failure to get pregnant and we had to start doing initial tests. December 2014 is when we wold have become parents if I hadn't miscarried at 5 weeks from our 2nd IUI cycle. December 2015 now marks 4 years. Instead of being filled with happy feelings around Christmas, it's just marking yet another year of trying or another year without the baby that could have been. 

I feel like it's been a ridiculous detour for a crazy adventure for us; we are still going in circles and haven't been able to find the end of the detour and get back on track. Will we ever get back on track? 

In the meantime, LOTS of friends are getting engaged and planning weddings. Lots. At school there are 6 people engaged, with hopefully a 7th right around the corner. Outside of school we have other friends who will hopefully jump on that wagon soon too. It's all wonderful happy news and I'm genuinely super excited for all of them until I remember what is likely to come after their weddings. They'll soon be on the TTC path too, trying to become parents. I joke about how none of them better get pregnant before us, but now I honestly worry about it. Not that it's something they should put on hold or should be wary of beating us to, because that's a crazy thought and now what I'm saying. It's just that naturally a bunch of them will start trying soon and I am so scared of being stuck in this rut when their pregnancy announcements and baby showers start rolling around. If we aren't pregnant by then, I will surely start to slip into a legit depression. 

Each pregnancy announcement is hard as it is to an infertile couple... but add in a pregnancy announcement of someone who wasn't dating, engaged, married, or trying for a baby is even harder. It makes you feel like life is suddenly a race and you are stuck in the middle of the race. You had a head start (Scott and I got married 8 years ago, at ages 23/24, after dating in high school. We were, in a sense, ahead of the game because we already found each other and knew we would marry each other). Then a bunch of friends caught up and got engaged or married, some had kids before we were ready or just as we were trying, no big deal. A few friends who got married way after us had no trouble conceiving and then suddenly were ahead of us. Now all those engaged couples, at least 1 or more are likely to beat us to it again. Not that it's a race, I know that, but beating us to our goal of becoming parents is somewhat of a race in our situation I guess. Life isn't fair, I know that. But when you've been trying for 4 years and have been trying the entire length of some people's entire relationship and they are likely to be TTC on the same level soon, it's majorly frustrating and depressing. It's not their fault and I won't be mad at them personally if it happens. It's just that I know this is how the cycle is turning and it's likely to happen. It's unavoidable to become pretty depressed off of that too. So I guess I'm just bracing myself for the brunt of a possible storm that's to come. 

All the happiness also makes me sad in a sense because I get jealous in a weird way. I miss those happiness highs of the fun moments and I feel like ours was so long ago. Our engagement was a whole 10 years ago and we've already been married 8. Trends have changed and so many neat things are the trend now, as it always goes of course, and I miss those ridiculously happy moments and memories. We've talked about celebrating our 10th anniversary in a fun way and renewing wedding vows, but by then there could be a newborn on board (trying to be hopeful) and either money or traveling will be tough. I fear it'll interfere with that plan... where, again, if we got pregnant years ago, it would be easier. Now we are looking at what's even possible and realistic, financially and logically. I feel so bitter and ugly thinking this way but I do get jealous easily of other's happiness when we've had such a tough spell for so long. I envy their happiness and love story, not dulled by stressful life situations. I envision them all having perfect weddings, as deserved, and then getting pregnant on the 1st or 2nd try. I don't with infertility or trouble conceiving on anyone but I envy those who have no trouble in this area. 

Scott & I have an incredible relationship and a fun, unique love story. I wouldn't change it for the world. But with our struggle comes stress, A LOT of it. It changes a lot of things in a relationship and when it's related to fertility, it changes your relationship in both emotional and physical ways. We've become stronger for each other in everything we've gone through (and are still going through) but it's really freaking hard at times. Not hard in the sense that we will give up, because we won't, but hard in the sense that I envy couples who don't have to go through this. Emotional blocks and physical blocks are difficult to get used to. 

It's also now affecting my self esteem and confidence more and more. I've been having a really hard time lately with my body image. I've always had an issue here in the sense that I always pick on myself and say I feel chubby or that I'm gaining weight. People often tell me to stop because I've generally always been pretty small. I'm 5'3" and have always been pretty average. I've always pigged out on junk food but have had a pretty good metabolism for years. I started exercising regularly with Zumba 5 years ago and toned up a bit, but over the last 1-2 years I've gained a good 10 pounds. I'm still seen as small but I know, for ME, I'm borderline uncomfortable in some of my clothes and uncomfortable with how my body is changing. I'm currently the heaviest I've been for me, and I have nothing to show for it. I know age is a factor, now that I'm in my 30s, but I blame stress and this stupid infertility ride for a lot. I've been pretty conscious for the most part on food choices over the last 1-2 years also but because I work out less, it all piles on so easily. Being on different IUI or this past IVF cycle, sometimes workouts are either too much or they're off limits. Between not being able to work out consistently and all the hormone changes in my body, I'm starting to hate it. I know you should never go off the scale but I weighed myself this past week and according to the general scales online, I'm 1 pound away from being technically in the "overweight" section for my height. I know there are tons of factors here but I've always been at least 10 pounds away so I felt safely in the "normal" range. I cried myself to sleep one day last week when I realized this. But yet I don't change it. I have no motivation or spark to fix it. I try eating healthy and limiting portions and nothing changes. I have no energy to get up early to work out or to do it when I'm home after an exhausting day at work. I try to get to the gym 2x a week when I can but so many meetings or appts have gotten in the way over the last month. It's hard and it sucks. It makes me so mad that infertility hasn't only left our arms empty from a baby but it's also making me go crazy and gain weight because of all the stressful realities that come with it. 

I'm stuck in a rut, emotionally and physically. I feel like life is happening above and around me, everyone moving on with all aspects of their lives at a normal pace, but Scott and I are just stuck here. We can't sell our house. We can't get pregnant. We are just here... Stuck. 

Sorry for the negative vibes today. See, it's really not always rainbows and sunshine around here. 

XOXO,

Stace

#TeamRicci

How to Make PIO Shots Your Friend

**Even though we're still in the gray area of denial & acceptance of our 1st failed IVF cycle, I wanted to post this in the hopes of MAYBE helping ease some fears of anyone worried about progesterone injections. I've actually been working on this post for the past week and was planning to post it even if our cycle worked. Regardless of the outcome, we've done 2 weeks of PIO pretty smoothly and I wanted to share it. ((*Side note: We weren't originally going to share the results of our test BUT we were shocked when it came back negative this week and it hurt more than I imagined it would. We couldn't keep it in and so here we are. We can't start up right away, Dr. suggestion, so will be keeping busy in the meantime.))

How to Make PIO Shots Your Friend 

... or at least not the most dreaded thing on Earth.

It's no surprise that I hate needles. I am practically terrified of them! Infertility hitting the #TeamRicci house 4 years ago pretty much meant life was laughing in my face and throwing me right into the fire of facing my fears. Lots and lots and LOTS of needles... Acupuncture needles. Multiple blood draw needles. Hormone injection needles. I've become somewhat used to these 3 kinds and they are honestly pretty small in relation to the big league of needles. Even though I slowly got semi used to them, I still always feared THE BIG ONES- the PIO needles. A one and a half inch needle that needs to go into the butt/hip muscle. Ouchy. One big reason I was scared of moving to IVF was because I dreaded the PIO shot. Now being on the flip side, I'm telling you it's not nearly as bad as I feared. Here are my reasons for choosing it and some tips that have worked wonders for not making it so bad! I hope they help! 

Why PIO? 

PIO is short for "progesterone in oil". Progesterone is a necessary hormone for getting pregnant and staying pregnant. It's needed in IVF cycles because you're essentially tricking your body into what's happening and re-wiring the system by supplementing it until it produces enough of it on its own. 

There are a few forms of progesterone to choose from (apparently there is a pill (?? still confused on this and the success of it but it's been mentioned in a few places. I wonder if it's just a mythical creature at this point!) but that option was not given to me... I obviously would have chosen that one in a heartbeat if so!!)... Progesterone injections -OR- vaginal suppository cream. Yup, you read that right. Eww. Quite honestly, NEITHER of these sound fun. It was a big toss up to me in the beginning and became a game of which is the lesser of the 2 evils. Avoiding needles was the easy choice for me, but I did a lot of research and thinking, and the thought of being uncomfortable literally ALL day from the suppositories was NOT a welcoming thought whatsoever. I would have needed to use them 2-3x a day and I know I would have been EXTREMELY self conscious, uncomfortable, and downright miserable... All. Day. Long. I was not looking forward to the injections and the big needle either, but I knew it would only be literally a few minutes of misery compared to all day. So a tough decision became an easy one: injections it was. 

These injections are IM, intramuscular, hence why the needle is so long. The baby needles I used for the stimulation drugs are only a half inch and go into the fat of your stomach, so they can be shorter. Going into the muscle requires a longer needle. They also need to be in the upper outer quadrant of your butt/hip muscle. This image is perfect because it shows a grid and gives a general target zone for each side. It's 1 injection and night and is recommended to alternate sides each night so that you give your muscles a break. The picture below is a general guideline. Use the top of the butt crack (for lack of a better term, sorry) as a horizontal line point. Then split each butt cheek vertically in half. Inject in that upper outer section. This helps avoid your sciatic nerve, which would not be fun to hit. I've seen images where the shaded area is down and more in the butt than hip, and I've read that either are fine. I've heard it hurts more in the lower outer area because it's fattier and that's also where you actually sit/bend from. We used this image and I was pretty comfortable most days (once I realized to NOT tense up so much. The first 2-3 days were rough bc I was tense so my muscles obviously hurt at injection site but also my back was tight and on fire from tensing that up as well).  It's helpful to have your nurse draw target zones at first if you want. 

In hindsight, I'm so glad I chose the injections. Little did we know at the time, but it is a really wonderful way to involve Scott. He offered to do them before and I knew he kind of wanted to, but he would joke about looking forward to sticking me with a needle. (Brat :) ). When it came time for the first one (our trigger shot), he froze and almost couldn't do it. But he did, partly because we had no choice, and he was great at it!! Now, he really enjoys doing them for me. 

How do we make it bearable? 

This is our nightly routine:

1. Apply a small amount of numbing cream (We use lidocaine cream; got it on Amazon but some Drs may prescribe it. Ours said we could just buy it. It was about $20 on Amazon and it's a 1oz bottle which doesn't seem like much, but we've barely dented it with 1-2 weeks worth.) Cover the area with a piece of plastic wrap and let it take effect for about 25 mins. (Maybe less but this number works for me!)

2. Ice Ice Baby. I've read some people say no to ice, but a bunch of my friends also recommended it, so I've used it since day 1 and it's helped. My Dr office never gave any tips either way, they said whatever works (they felt some was psychological but it all helps me, the worrier). Anyway, ice works for ME, I wrap an ice pack on a paper town and hold it right over the plastic wrap for about 5-10 mins (maybe start with 10 your first time). 

**During this time play some music to motivate you. Maybe it's something upbeat to put you in a good mood; maybe it's something sentimental; whatever works. It helps distract me anyway. 

3. Take off plastic wrap & clean skin with alcohol swabs. Scott uses 2 each night- one to wipe away the cream and another just to make sure it's all gone. 

4. Decide if you're standing or laying down; do whatever works for you. We prep everything on the kitchen counter and when it's time, I stand and lean over the counter on my elbows. I use a small couch pillow and actually lean on that for support & comfort (and to bury your face in if scared). I also put all my weight on the opposite leg and relax the leg of the side that's being targeted. It helps relax the muscle so you're not tense. 

4. Go time. Do not look, just let hubby do his job. (*If doing them yourself, Way to go!! I give you tons of credit.) I find that not looking at the needle helps me forget how big it actually is. (1.5inch, 22 gauge). Scott usually draws it up and preps it for me while I'm numbing or icing... We were instructed to do 1cc or 1mL each night but I suppose that could be different for different protocols. (We were given 18g needles to draw it up and 22g to inject. Look at the thickness of the 18g and suddenly the 22g doesn't seem so bad!! Look once if you've already seen them and are scared. If you haven't seen them, don't look.)

This bottle gets us about 10 injections. (10mL)

*I swear that on most days all I feel is a little pinch. Sometimes I can feel the oil going in, but it just feels like a little pressure, not pain. Breathing through it also helps. 

(Photo credits here to our close friend, Manny, who was visiting at time of transfer & got to document our shot process. Not sure I want to post the video yet though bc I am always self conscious and hate myself on video- haha!) :)

5. When done, Scott applies gauze and massages the injection area for a minute or so. This helps the oil settle and spread/absorb. Apply a bandaid when done massaging the area (just for fun- it's not actually needed!). The bandaid also serves as a target for next time so you remember the spot. 

6. Apply a heating pad. This is like a nice treat at the end. :) We heat ours in the microwave for 1-1.5 mins and then I relax on the couch with it. 

That's it!! You certainly don't have to follow all (or any!) of our steps, but just sharing what works for us. Just for reference, one night last week I experienced just how well the numbing cream and ice work for me... I had an awful migraine the other night and since I couldn't take anything but Tylenol (at least until the pregnancy test, and beyond if we are pregnant), the migraine wasn't going anywhere but was actually getting worse. It hurt so bad I literally threw up bc it was so severe. In the time I got sick, my numbing cream wore off and we didn't have time to ice it because we wanted to get the shot done before I possibly got sick again. Cream wearing off and no ice made the needle hurt and I realized just how well our little system works. 

*SOME YouTube videos work well too. Key word= Some... Some made me inspired and it looked like a piece of cake. Others made me more nervous than I already was. These are my 2 favs...

Progesterone Party- Self Injection (I love this one because she makes it FUN... and she gives it to herself (eeeek!! Props to you, girl!!). She makes it look so easy & this is where I got the idea for the numbing cream)

Tips from a nurse (I liked this one because it's professional advice and she makes it not seem so scary!!)

I would say our experience was pretty on par with these videos. I hope the links work- if not, I'll try to fix it later on. 

Good luck! Hang in there!! If I can survive it, so can you!! 

XOXO,

Stace

#TeamRicci

They say...

(Posted by Scott)
They say...that when you get to hold your baby for the first time you learn to love all over again, almost as if you have never loved something so much before.  They say this but what about all of us that are out there that get the big fat negatives.  What about the fact that you pray and hope and look at the stars and want it to happen so much but the day the test comes they say sorry, this is not good news.  I don't handle heartbreak well.  And by that I mean I hold it in and try to let it out but it never comes out when I want it to.  I want to cry with my wife, but my "man brain" will not let me.  They say that you need to let it out.  They say that it will happen.  No offense to anyone and even to myself at this point but, I need it to happen.  This will be a short post because I am pissed and angry and sad and being torn up inside but what happens to the guys out there when "they say...."  I know that the females will read this out there and say I know that my husband/partner has gone through this.  I  had to tell my poor, crying wife over and over tonight to stop saying sorry.  Its not her fault.  Honestly we would have never been in this situation if it weren't for me not having swimmers.  They say it will work out.  They say if you keep trying it will be there.  I got off the phone with our doctor tonight and honestly after talking to him and hearing the next steps and the plans that they have, it amazed me.  But what truly amazed me is the sincerity in his voice when he called at 750pm and knowing that he had to make that call.  I don't care how much money I have to spend to have a child with Stacy but this guy made me want to keep trying and want to keep pushing forward.  They say it will happen and honestly we gotta believe that it will, but right now its hard.  They say...