When Life Gives You Lemons... Make Orange Juice!

"When life gives you lemons... make orange juice and leave the world wondering how you did it! Today I will think outside of the box and challenge myself to push my boundaries."

As we all know, I live by quotes. They're like my lifeline, my Bible on life. I can usually find a quote to fit any given situation in life, the good, the bad, the ugly. Quotes get me by and put life in perspective. I follow a few quote/positivity accounts on Instagram, but one of my favs is Life Vest Inside, which actually is a non-profit organization whose mission is to empower others to engage in acts of love and kindness. They post some pretty kick@$$ positivity quotes along the way, and the one above (along with the photo) was one that stuck with me. 

Life gives you lemons & unfortunate circumstances. It happens. I've learned to deal with life's lemons to the best of my ability (even though I undoubtedly struggle along the way) and make some lemonade like the saying goes. But to turn lemons into orange juice and do the impossible really spoke to me. I loved it. Think outside the box. It's kind of describes the journey Scott & I are on. If one of us can't conceive, we find another way. We persevere and we don't give up. Good things are going to happen. I don't know when or how, but we will get there some day. 

This is the cover of a planner I just got off Amazon (thanks to unused gift cards!!). It's called "The Happy Planner" and that's basically the best description for it. It is filled with color, quotes, positivity, and fun. A few fellow TTCers (couples Trying To Conceive) on Instagram have used this planner (it comes in different styles) to not only organize life but to jot down all their TTC notes, IUI and IVF schedules, Dr. appointments, etc. I thought it would be a fun distraction and make this whole process more exciting so I ordered one and even though it was listed as being on back-order for 2-3 weeks, it arrived within a week and ironically just in time for our IVF cycle to begin. 

"Go time!..." Friday July 24 was Cycle Day 1, which meant I was off to the Dr. the following morning for my baseline monitoring. They did a quick blood draw & ultrasound to make sure everything looked good (hormone levels, no cysts on my ovaries, etc). The Dr. found 11 potential egg follicles on one ovary and 8 on the other, 19 possible candidates in all, which is a great number. Since everything checked out wonderfully, they started me on birth control (oh, the irony!) the following day...

Hello, old friend, we meet again!! You did nothing for me last time (little did we know that we didn't need it in the past- HA), but this time you better work wonders. Being put on the pill is meant to suppress your reproductive system so that nothing happens before it's supposed to. They don't want any egg follicles to become show-offs and steal the spotlight from the rest, messing up the whole system. I'm on it for a total of 16 days and then they'll do a blood test to check that my hormone levels aren't showing anything wacky. It should all be quiet and boring on the southern front. Lucky for me, the pill has no side effects on me, so this is literally the easy part. *I started taking it on Sunday July 26 and will continue to take it until Monday August 10. 

Last week, after starting the pill for a few days, I went to the Dr. office to have my nursing protocol appointment. At this visit, I sat 1-1 with one of the nurses to go over paperwork, make sure my file had everything it needed in order for us to be going forward in all directions, order my medications, and get my meds instructions/schedule. Here's the current plan as of now:

- Take last dose of the pill on Mon, Aug 10

- Go for a blood test on Fri, Aug 14... Assuming all is ok on that day, proceed to next step.

- Start injections on Fri, Aug 14 (Follistim & Menopur- 2 shots nightly, between 5 and 8pm)

- Repeat same injections/doses Sat & Sun, Aug 15 & 16

- Return to the office Mon, Aug 17 for monitoring (blood draw & ultrasound)

- Await further instructions based on morning results

Essentially, everyone's case, protocol, and experience with IVF is slightly different. The Dr's choose what drugs to give you and an initial starting dose for the first 3 days (which also can vary from person to person based on so many different factors, it's not one-size-fits-all in terms of meds and doses), but from there it's all extremely individualized. Everyone reacts and responds differently to the medications, hence the frequent blood draws and ultrasounds. When I go on Aug 17, it will determine when I come next, because they'll check how many egg follicles they see, and what size they are. They'll also check my hormone levels and see what's happening in my body. That will determine if I continue the same meds/doses or modify by increasing or decreasing some doses. They will decide if I return the following day, or in 2 days, and repeat the whole process. It's such a scientific process BUT has so many variables so it can all change literally on a day to day basis. 

My nurse said to mentally prepare to come to the office every morning the week of the 17th, but it's likely that it'll be every other day. Here's the fun part because not only is the office an hour away (without traffic) but this is a very busy, city-like commuter area. It's on the way to NYC so practically everyone in this area drives on the same highways and roads I go to the Dr. Lucky me. AND, monitoring is a first-come-first-serve basis. Blood draws start at 7am and ultrasounds start at 7:30 am. The nurses said it's very common for some patients to start arriving at 6:15... That means if I want to be first, I need to leave my house at 5:15, getting up around 4:30. (remember I am NOT a morning person- hehehe). But it's all for a good cause. 

     

It's summer break, you might be thinking.... I don't need to be the first one there, I can relax and take my time as long as I arrive by 9ish in the morning... Nope. I signed up to work summer school and that is happening August 10-21. Luckily the first week is pretty uninterrupted (a blood draw 8/14 but that's all so it'll be somewhat fast & I should be on time to school- kids come at 8:15, and the Dr. is 45 mins-1hour from work). It WILL, no doubt, interfere with the second week of summer school. Even if I was, hypothetically, first every morning, I wouldn't leave until 7:45-8:00 realistically. That means getting to school by 9, IF I'm FIRST... I cannot assume I will be first, so that kind of stinks. I feel bad because my students will likely get grouped in with my partner in crime for summer school, Kim (also one of my really good friends... lucky me!). She's aware and on board, but I still feel bad. Our boss also knows and assures me it's all fine. But Worry-Wart should be my middle name bc I will be anxious every second until I get to school. It'll be nice if it's not every day that week, but I literally can't do anything to change it, so I have to accept it and go with it. 

Scott tried to put it in perspective for me... I've been working at my school for 10 years now. All 10 years I've aimed to be 30 mins early, on average. All 10 years it's been typical for me to stay 30 mins or longer (usually longer, lol) after dismissal (that's the reality of being a teacher, folks... not as easy as some of you may think it is... I typically am there a full hour or so after the kids leave). Anyway, all those years of being there early... who cares if I have to be late a few times now? Everyone knows the truth in it, it's not like I'm oversleeping or stopping for coffee on the daily, so I need to learn to be ok with it. I get there when I get there, the kids have coverage, all is fine. 

The date of my egg retrieval will be based on my response to the drugs. Some people need about 10 days of drugs stimulation to get the egg follicles where they want them to be. The nurse estimated egg retrieval being somewhere between August 24-29, but that's assuming I need almost 10 days... We have no idea, it could be less. It's literally all going to be changing by the day on the week of the 17th-21st. When the Drs determine egg follicles are at a good size, they'll tell me to stop drugs and "trigger" that day or the next. I did trigger shots with IUI too, it's an injection that's made to induce ovulation 34-36 hours after you take it, and that's when they schedule egg retrieval. They actually work backwards and will schedule the retrieval and then tell me to trigger about 34 hours prior. 

On Saturday, we picked up our meds. Laying it all out on the table was, in one word, OVERWHELMING... 

All of that for ONE cycle... ONE!!! Everything pictured above, except the 2 pill bottles, is either a needle, the stuff that gets injected by the needle, or the container to dispose of said needles. AHHHHHH!!!! All that was going through my mind, on repeat, was pretty much "WWW- TTT- FFF??!!??"

Here's a breakdown of what I got:
- Sharps container (to house all the used needles for safe disposal)
- 3 boxes of Menopur
- 1 Follistim pen kit & 2 boxes of many vials
- 6 boxes of Ganirelix
- 1 box of Pregnyl
- 1 box of some other injectible
- 2 pill containers
- 2 boxes of Progesterone
- LOTS and LOTS and LOTS of needles, all different sizes and thicknesses (ouch!)

*Note: Some of the injections are FSH (follicle stimulating hormones) and will produce multiple egg follicles. One of the injections is to prevent my body from ovulating any egg follicles on its own, before it's time. One of them is the trigger, to make them ovulate when the Drs want ("Ovulate, don't ovulate, ovulate, Oh my!"- my friend Amy's reaction to the up/down/confusion of all the drugs). Some of them are antibiotics to take after retrieval. One of them is to help hormone levels after embryo transfer. MOST of them go into my stomach (what I've been doing for IUI), some of them go into my hip/butt muscle. Ick! ALL of them are going to make me either cranky, REALLLY witchy (words of counselor at clinic, but with a word that rhymes), cranky, tired, cranky, possible monster headaches, etc. None of them are going to be a real walk in the park. Get ready, Scott... major test to our relationship coming up! (I love you!! :) hehe)

My thoughts/feelings... overwhelmed, scared, anxious, terrified, but obv also a bit lot excited.

Once I took inventory (maybe I'll open a CVS pick-up window out of our house with all of this instead!), I stashed it all into a pretty basket and have it stored in a cabinet until Aug 14th (yup, that's NEXT Friday, folks!). I jokingly held the basket like a baby and snapped a scared selfie to capture the moment... 

First comes the baseline, then comes the nursing protocol, and finally the IVF class. My Dr. office requires that patients attend 2 classes in the office, an IVF class and a Medications class. Apparently we were supposed to know about them back at our consult appt in June but it was never checked off on our instruction sheet, so we had no idea until the day before my period began. The IVF class is only held every other Tuesday @5 (I had just missed that week's, so had to go last night) and the Medications class is every Saturday @ 2:30. We were set for this past Saturday but they had to reschedule and cancel it that morning, so we are going this Saturday (last shot because shots start next week!). 

Lucky for me, Scott now has weekends off (after never having weekends off for the past 13 years prior), so the Saturday class is pretty much no problem (they first wanted us to come on the ONE Sat a month that he had to work- I preferred to not go alone so we waited). There's no way he could have made the IVF class, and I could have gone alone, but thought it would be nice to have another set of ears to take it all in. My friend, Amy, volunteered to go with me literally the second she knew I had to go (how awesome is that... I mean really, we have been so lucky through this. My friends have rocked it all across the board... and Kudos to any of you reading this right now, brownie points for you!). I joked and said she needed to be prepared that people may assume we are a couple, but she's so easy-going she didn't see any reason to not want to go to the class. 

We went last night and I'm glad she was there. It was nice to not only have moral support, but comic relief. She didn't need to take physical notes but I figured mental notes for Scott on anything mind-blowing would be helpful. Pretty much, I assumed I knew the basic process of IVF and knew I would likely know most of what they were saying, and this proved to be true (go me!). Amy, on the other hand, was cracking me up because she was unaware of certain terms or steps to the process and was taking informative, yet hysterical notes. It reinforced the fact that I've learned a lot over the past few years. Here are Amy's notes:

At one point, the nurse was speaking of a list of things that needed to be done prior to starting an IVF cycle. I think of everyone in the room, I might have been one of the only ones who are about to start, as most of it seemed informative for others. One poor couple was pretty clueless on the process I think, but that's why they're there. Anyway, Amy started writing things and I would give her a nod or a thumbs up like "Don't worry, that's done; all set; yup; did it; been there, done that; etc" and she eventually gave up trying to keep up with the nurse and just kept putting checks all over the damn place! haha. Check. Check. Check. Yes, we are prepared. Check. Ready or not, here we go. Check. :) 

One of my FAVS is the SubQ vs IM (I remember when I myself was CLUELESS to these terms, when the school nurse had to do my first trigger shot AT school and in a panic I had NO idea what they meant or where the shot went, etc). It was funny and familiar to see the same confused look on Amy's face as she wrote it down and related it to AOL IM. hehe. :) I'm also a big Googler... so the GUILTY is for me being guilty of Googling wayyyyy too much when it comes to the medical field. haha. 

So now, I wait. I take the pill for a few more days. Go to the medications class on Saturday, and await the results from my blood test next Friday (8/14) to see if I'm cleared to start injections. Here's to hoping, wishing, dreaming, and believing!! 

With love,

Stace

XOXO

#TeamRicci

Fight or Flight..... Facing My Fears

When face to face with our fears, we have 2 choices...
1. Run  
2. Fight like hell and give it all you've got. 

It's almost time to fight. (I suppose we've already been fighting for the past 3 and a half years, but in a sense those were all little fights prepping us for the big battle to come.) We are starting an IVF cycle within a few weeks. (Excuse me while I go pass out.... reality is starting to set in.)

I'm definitely a bit behind in blog updates but June was a pretty intense, busy, and stressful month. School was winding down and we also decided to change fertility clinics. Big move for us. 

Changing fertility clinics wasn't easy on an emotional level~ as I've posted before, I truly love and adore a lot of the staff I've worked with there. The nurses were amazing and I loved most of the doctors too. BUT dishing out $15 thousand for one cycle when we had the chance of paying less at a NY clinic was a no brainer. We found a clinic here in NY that has the NYS Infertility Demonstration Program (essentially a grant program for IVF) and made it on their list. We met all requirements (age, not having done a certain number of IVF cycles before (or any at all, I forget), finances, etc. I'm not sure what amount we will receive yet, but our thinking is anything cheaper is better than nothing. I'm worried our amount won't be as much as it could have, because our tax return file for 2014 showed our income to be significantly higher than it actually is now. Scott got a pay cut since then for changing jobs AND his severance from Best Buy was thrown in- so it looked like our income was a big chunk more than we make. A bummer, but nothing we can do about it. I just pray that all we need is one cycle to be successful and get pregnant. 

**UPDATE!!!... After posting this, I heard back from the clinic. Our application for the grant was reviewed, we qualify, and are receiving grant money!!! We now "only have to pay" just over 10K (haha, in comparison to 15+, this is a BIG discount!) ... 5 thousand dollars cheaper (or more) than what we would have had to pay in CT! Yesssss. Super duper thankful.**

So off to the new clinic we went, for an initial consult with our new Dr. (RE/fertility specialist). He met with us for a good 45 mins or so, which was more than we had ever sat with our last Dr. We immediately felt like he genuinely cared about us and took time to get to know us and our situation. Being that everything was done in CT by different Drs, our new Dr wanted me to do a saline sonogram (HSN) to make sure all looked good with my uterus and also make sure all my recent blood work was everything they needed- (I was keeping my fingers crossed that I didn't need any more, and Scott was secretly hoping I did need something- he knows how much needles bug me and his mischievous side came out, haha) Turns out I did need one more quick blood draw that day. I had to wait until my next cycle for the HSN, so that pushed us back a little bit (if we had stayed with CT, I was hoping to do a July IVF, but it all works out honestly and it is what it is). 

The Monday after school got out for summer, off to the Dr I was for the saline sono (still an hour drive from our house, can't seem to get away from that... maybe we need more fertility Drs in this area, they're mostly in the city, but whatever way you cut it, they're all an hour away. Grr.). I was nervous as all heck (the first one I did was NOT a smooth run and it was one of the most painful procedures in the past few years) and Scott had to work so I went alone, but I held it together and it wasn't awful. Honestly, it was comparable to an IUI procedure (they pass a catheter up into your uterus, so that whole part was the same... not the most comfortable thing, certainly not the most comfortable position to be lying in, BUT it wasn't the worst either). It was done pretty quickly, I have a "beautiful uterus" (ha, I should be flattered I suppose, but it's an awkward thing to hear!). Hopefully that means I'm a good candidate for IVF working with a high chance of success. It's frustrating that everything keeps checking out wonderfully for me and 6 cycles of IUI didn't work. 

Also, in the meantime, I've been jumping through all kinds of hoops to get our sperm transferred from CT to NY. It turns out that NY can't accept specimens from another state, so we had to have it shipped from CT back to VA where the cryobank is. In order to do that, CT needed permission and release forms from me, and couldn't send it out until those were received. At the same time, I had to set up delivery of a special tank from VA (frozen specimens need to be transported in a special tank, which is only good for a week... took a few days to get to CT, they packed it, and shipped it right back to VA). Once VA checked it & processed it (which happened just this morning), they pack it up again and send it to NY. It's scheduled to get there Friday. All in all that was approximately $600 JUST to transfer it. The clinics are only about an hour or so apart... too bad I couldn't transport it in the tank myself. So frustrating. We debated destroying the CT vial and ordering a new one, but a new one runs around $700, so it was actually cheaper in the end to do all that. 

While contacting the cryobank to figure that out, I came across a pregnancy pledge on their website. They pledge a free vial if you meet certain criteria (under 38, having ordered 4 vials, having done 4 procedures in the past year without being pregnant.... yes, yes, and yes), so the CT team signed off on it and I just got that set up on Monday. 1 "free" vial ($185 shipping fees paid by us), but still saved about $600 there. So, all in all, 2 vials will be at the clinic by the end of the week, to be used however they need. Talk about all the craziness. We just returned from vacation but I already need another! 




I never wanted to be on deck for playing on the IVF team. Don't take that the wrong way, I have absolutely nothing wrong with it, and in fact I think it's such an incredible process. I embrace it whole-heartedly, I only tried to avoid it because of 2 main things: 1. I'M A WUSS and 2. The price tag. But, here we are. This is the next option on our list of ways to become parents. So this is what we'll do. 

Some of my IVF fears:

-Needles, Needles, and Needles, Oh my!
It's no surprise that I have a fear of needles. I can't look at needles, I cringe hearing stories of needles, I cover my eyes when seeing them on TV, I hate blood draws, my anxiety is legit when it comes to needles. I finally mastered IUI needles/injections and most weren't that bad. But with IVF, it's all those same needles PLUS more. 

-Mixing IVF drugs.
All the injections I've had to do before are pre-filled and measured... OR all I had to do was turn a dial to my dose, and press a button. Easy peasy. Using syringes to mix up other drugs scares me and I'm worried I'll be too confused or stressed to figure it out. Also, super worried about hitting a vein or blood vessel (I've heard awful stories), BUT I don't think those are the bulk of them anyway if they're in my stomach? Not sure. Never had a prob with any so far bc they've all been in the fatty part of my belly and it was never an issue. 

-PIO shots
PIO is Progesterone in Oil. These suckers are BIG needles (1.5-2inches) and go into your hip/upper butt area. Scott will be doing these. Need I say more as to why I'm scared? haha. BIG needle... NOT in control of it. I've done 100% of the injections myself, to date. No offense to Scott but unless it's a medical professional, I'd rather do it myself and be in control. Having him in charge makes me nervous bc it's new to us. I know he wouldn't purposely hurt me but I'm scared for some reason that it won't be accurate, or it'll hurt if done wrong. Afraid he'll hit a blood vessel. Also afraid of doing it myself if such a big needle. Being in the backside, at least I won't really see it. The other thing is, it's not just 1-2 of these, it's weeks worth. Then if/when we finally get pregnant, these PIO shots need to be done for weeks and weeks into the pregnancy. Agghhh. I also hear that, because it's in oil, it's thick and difficult to push the plunger down. Blahhhh.

-Egg retrieval
I'll be knocked out for the egg retrieval procedure itself (thankfully! But then again, more needles/IV freaks me out. I swear I am a hot mess with this stuff!!). I'm worried about being in a lot of pain after. I'm worried about hyper-stimulating and producing a crazy amount of eggs, which isn't good for your body. I'm worried there won't be enough too. Worried about how I'll feel after.

-Fertilization Rates
I'm worried there either won't be enough eggs... worried that a good number won't fertilize... worried that they won't be good quality embryos. Worried, worried, worried.

-Embryo Transfer
This should be the easiest of the whole process, transferring an embryo or two back into mama's uterus to hopefully camp out and live for many many months. Wrong. This procedure must be done on a full bladder (in most cases).... I'm terrified of peeing myself on the table, in the middle of the procedure. How embarrassing would that be!? My bladder is small as it is and I almost always have to go. And when I do have to go badly, don't talk to me bc I can't focus or function. Legit worried that my bladder will burst and I'll want to crawl into a hole and die.

-Pregnancy Test
After going through allllllll these extra steps and spending all our savings, what if it doesn't work?? I would lose it. We'd be at a loss. I am not prepared to deal with that if it happens.

What's life without facing your fears and letting life's obstacles allow you to learn and grow?

So anyway, here we are, mid-July. I'll be starting up in a few weeks. At this point, I might as well keep everyone posted bc there won't be many secrets. Extra shots, Egg retrieval, etc. I'm going to need all the support and love, and good vibes that we can get. Facing my fears is obviously scaring the bejeezus out of me, but all we can do is move forward, together.

I had a really strange, crazy dream last night. Scott and I were on a hike and encountered a large, scary snake. I dropped the food I had with me, and it took it (while we got as far away as we could). We found a car and hopped in, driving out of the woods as fast as we could. We somehow ended up in the river and our car was now a boat, but we had to get around crazy turns and some rough waves. I admit we watched the new TV show Zoo last night (which scares the heck out of me so idk why we keep watching it), so I bet the scary animal and the rough escape were part of that BUT I also thought it was symbolic of the journey we are on, and the rough obstacles ahead that we have to endure. It'll be scary. But I know I'm not alone. I know SOOOO many strong and incredibly inspiring women who have gone through IVF, some multiple times, and all came out okay. Some are mamas, some are not yet. But all have done it while staying strong. And here I am whining and complaining when it hasn't even started... I need to channel their strength and energy, face my fears, live, fight like hell, and give it all I've got!

Stay tuned!! I should be returning to the clinic some time during the last week of July to get started!

IVF Worries, Fears, & Rants

I feel like instead of Little Miss Sunshine, I've transformed into Little Miss Cranky Pants in the last 24 hours. Too much stress coming our way and I'm not channeling it all very well at the moment. 

    

This morning was our IVF consult and I was nervous & anxious leading up to it all. Not so much for the actual appointment or even the blood work, but just the overwhelming stress of this all becoming a reality and quickly coming down the road. I hate that we are in this situation and need to even go this route. I know I need to suck it up bc there's no other option in terms of me being pregnant, but it does just downright suck. I hate being in this boat. I have that IVF is now our only option of becoming pregnant. I hate that insurance doesn't cover it. I hate how involved & expensive it is. I hate the whole process. AND I hate that it's making me cranky & miserable before it even starts. 

My infertility journal that I started in 2012- random notes from Dr. appts on our journey of 3+ years, thoughts, etc. <3

Our appointment this morning was mostly fine but it wasn't anything too different really. I love our clinic and all the staff there but honestly it was a little strange how the consult started. The first thing our Dr. asked is if Scott was going to consider getting the biopsy (sperm-mapping) with his urologist. We were confused and a little surprised bc this was done a whole year and a half ago and the result was the reason we turned to IUI with donor sperm. We told the Dr. we already did the biopsy and she asked what the result was-- and I was like "umm... they found no sperm, which is why we have been using donor sperm for the last year with IUI". I wish she hadn't started with that bc Scott was instantly upset and I felt a little bummed and like another number. I know they have a zillion patients and different offices but I had seen her a lot and it's all on my chart, so I was upset that an oversight like that started our convo. We spent the next 10 mins or so going over a powerpoint about the IVF process (I feel like a snob bc I feel like I've done enough research by now that none of it was new info to be honest). The good thing is that we WILL be able to use the sperm vials we already have on hand at the lab. I assumed we needed to buy new ones because they are prepared differently, but having IUI ones first makes it almost better- they can be used for IVF as well. Score on that part at least so we aren't essentially flushing those down the drain along with the money we spent on it. The Dr. said our chance of success is between 50 and 60% for my age, and every cycle would have about the same chance, like flipping a coin. It doesn't drop off after time, which is good. I asked about my fear of ovulating too soon but she again insisted that the meds would prevent that (assuming the trigger).  

My ideal start time would be my next cycle- the end of June/early July. However we go away the 1st week in July which would interfere with starting then... so I asked about going on birth control until we get back from vacation (sounds ironic, I know, but clinics use it all the time to get people on the same track and/or pause your cycle for a bit). She said that would be fine and then I should be able to jump back on track when we are back from vacation. The weird thing is that she didn't mention anything at all about the lab closing for 2 weeks in the summer... the finance girl happened to mention it later. Shocked, I was like "wait, what? When? Why?"- They close for 2 weeks every year, summer and winter for OSHA cleaning. They close June 27-July 12, which ironically falls around the time we would need to start. So even if we weren't going away, I think they would put me on the pill anyway until they opened again, or would wait until my next cycle. So in a sense it's a lucky thing. 

We also met with finance and went over everything. Only problem is that all the money needs to be paid up front, in full, before starting. It's just over $15K, and we feel like we can just swing it between our tax return and savings. I'm more freaked out about any additional cycles, because if it doesn't work on the first shot, we have to pay more. It won't ever be another full $15K unless we end up with no embryos and need to start all over from scratch again, but even an FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) is like $5K. Stupid insurance for us doesn't cover a penny. Thankfully they did cover IUI which is why we tried to exhaust it as long as possible. But IVF is ridic. 

What we did find out (Scott found out, actually... although we heard something similar from other friends along the way) is that NY has a grant available to NY residents at certain clinics. Our clinic is in CT so it doesn't apply there, but they have a sister company in NY, so we are now in the early stages of contacting them to apply for the grant. We fit all of the initial criteria we found online and if they cover anything that makes it cheaper than the CT price, we might as well go for it. The only downfall is that it means swapping clinics, to a degree. They said I would be able to do all of my monitoring through CT still, but the egg retrieval & embryo transfer would be in NYC. It's further away and harder to get to, but if it saves us money, it would obv be worth it. So we are looking into all of that now and will see what happens. I feel like we are on a time crunch so it's all a little overwhelming and stressful for now. I'm mad at our insurance coverage and mad that we can't do this the natural way, but whatever. We set up a new patient appt in a closer satellite office for June 8, and I emailed the NY office about the grant application. 

One good thing is that I rocked the blood draw!! Jess is amazing (as all of the nurses there are, but she has become my fav & I absolutely adore her) and kept me distracted so 10 vials was no big deal! Bleh... 10... that's a lot of blood. I did it though! (Check out her evil smile... she secretly enjoys this, haha). :) 

Love you, Jess! <3

               

 So, from here, it's kind of more waiting. Waiting to see if we can apply for this grant and get started on stuff through the NY clinic... Waiting for the appt with them... Waiting to see if we can still work with CT for monitorings and whatnot (Since they're like sister clinics, hopefully all our info can easily be shared between the two to make this a little simpler for us)... Waiting to see how we can best afford it all... Waiting for my next cycle to start... Waiting for it all to be settled and cleared so we can start the process... etc. Etc. Etc. 

We ALSO had an appt for Scott today as a followup to a trip to the ER last month. He had severe stomach pains and we thought it was his appendix. They did a CT scan and determined it was pancreatitis. He was put on a super limited diet for a week until pain and inflammation went away and was told to avoid alcohol, caffeine, fatty foods, etc. He wanted a second opinion and had a follow up with a Dr for a diff issue today, but a Dr who specializes in digestive issues. Thankfully he said it couldn't have been a serious case of it bc they would have admitted him and given IV fluids- he was shocked we were sent home that day, so he called it a pretty mild case. He did say it's smart to avoid the above things for a bit and then it's ok to have them in moderation. He suggested a pretty healthy diet and said it's def possible for a flareup again, but if Scott plays it smart, it's not likely. So after a few more weeks of playing it safe and making sure everything is all healed, he can have a drink with me every so often as a treat. So that's good at least. Silver lining. Not a death sentence- just a wakeup call to eat healthier, and we could all use that so there's no harm there. Just extra time hopefully. :) 

Did I also mention how our house is still not selling? Another MAJOR stressor. Everyone loves the house itself but the power lines out behind our house are a complete deal breaker for pretty much everyone that comes through for a showing. It's super frustrating. A few people have been somewhat interested but nothing has come out of it. We've tried suggesting a few things but not getting anywhere there either. Our "dream home" is currently available and we currently have a deal that they've accepted, based on the sale of our home or Scott's parents (Which is now on the market... they live in SC now and don't need 2 big homes)... however I know the deal won't last forever. We need it to sell. It's so frustrating. The power lines are 100% safe (the kitchen clock radio gives off the same amount of electromagnetism as the closest power line... and the microwave is like 12x the amount. We have reports showing this and they're all out for prospective buyers to see) but it's just a matter of the right people coming in I guess. 

Im normally all about positivity & looking on the bright side. But it's really hard sometimes, and really really hard now. It's a lot at once. I want to believe it'll all happen bc I truly believe we deserve this to happen, but it's hard when nothing is moving. It's like being in quicksand or just a stick in the mud. We aren't going anywhere and are at a standstill. I hate complaining bc there are so many people who have it way worse in life. I have a million things to be thankful for, that I AM thankful for, but my goodness there is a lot of hope and belief for nothing to be happening. It's like being stuck at a big intersection where all the other roads are getting green lights multiple times and your light is still red. Nothing is tripping it to signal your turn- you just see everyone rushing by happily on their green lights and waiting anxiously for our turn. Is the light broken? Or is our turn really going to come along ever? 

It's a lot to handle. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to just burst one day, so I gotta keep taking it one day at a time. Ok, off to Zumba in a bit. I need to dance out some stress... then maybe Little Miss Sunshine will return soon. <3 :) 

'Til next time..
Stace
XO

"Follow the Yellow-Brick Road"

The journey to Baby Ricci has been quite a long and bumpy road, and we're still on it. It's unmarked, unclear, and unpaved. We thought once we hopped onto the IUI path, it would be a straight shot to a pregnancy. After going through 6 cycles over the past year, we've realized that a new path is coming into view: The Road to IVF.... our Yellow-Brick Road that will hopefully lead us to Oz. 

So here we are, about to jump into the IVF process. I hoped we wouldn't need to get to this stage, but we do. I can't change it, and there's nothing I can do about it. If we want a baby (which, DUH, of course we do) and if I want to be pregnant/carry/deliver (another DUH), then this is our only option. Can't go kicking and screaming through life's disappointments (ok, yes, temporarily, absolutely! But long term, unacceptable). So onward we will go.

(**Note: Positivity only from this point forward. Scott & I have been fortunate enough to have only received positive and genuine support from others, however I am aware that negativity lies out there in the world. I also am aware that IVF is controversial in some corners of the world. I know that some are against it for all kinds of reasons, be it religious, moral, whatever. Please keep those vibes away from our positive bubble. I respect your difference in opinion if you have one, and that's as far as it goes. #TeamRicci is all about positivity, and this is simply a documentation of our journey to have a baby. Thank you for respecting that and our decision to whole-heartedly accept this path in our journey.**)

We have an IVF consultation appointment with our Dr on May 27th. I assume we'll discuss everything IVF-related under the sun- process, finances, timeline, what-ifs, etc. I also need another big round of blood work (like 8-10 vials) because they require it yearly and it happens to be up. I say big round bc anything more than 1 vial is a lot to me. It makes me anxious, I get nervous I'll pass out, etc. I want to rip out the needle if I have to sit there longer than like 30 seconds and sometimes my veins are stubborn. haha. At least Scott will be with me, and I'm asking my fav nurse to call dibs on me bc she is good at distracting me. :) As of this moment, I *HOPE* to be able to jump into IVF on my July cycle. I debated whether or not I could start before school gets out, but the timing of everything is a little off, plus this is my fav time of year at school- I ADORE my class and don't want to miss tons of time during our last weeks together. Scott & I are going on vacation shortly after school gets out, so I hope to start as soon as we return from vacation if all goes smoothly in terms of that. We'll see. My goal is to have a cycle done before school starts back up. But again, none of this is in my control, so we'll go with the flow and see what happens I guess. It's all I can do.

***If ANYONE has any important Qs, things to consider, things to suggest, ask, etc for our consultation (preferably those who understand the process and have been through it or are close to someone who has), please send them my way. I'm building a running list in my mind for our discussion next week.***

I have to admit, a little tiny part of me is excited for the IVF process. It honestly intrigues me big time! The whole process is really SO fascinating and interesting to me. It's incredible where science & technology have gotten us in today's world and I can't even imagine what the future holds in this area.  It would be impossible for me to explain the IVF process correctly without having gone through it, so feel free to check out *this link* or Google another source/site yourself, but here's a quick run-down of my own interpretation and what I'm expecting (in a small nutshell). 

*Wait for your next cycle to start & go to the clinic somewhere between day 1-3 of cycle for blood work and an ultrasound to make sure you're all clear to start. 

*Start meds (pill form for a few days??... AND injections... probably lots of them. The point is to produce a good amount of eggs to extract. You only want a few egg follicles for IUI but you want more for IVF as they are essentially harvesting them to fertilize/freeze for later).  Lots and lots and lots of injections. This is the first part that scares me because although IUI had pills & injections, it was way less. The minor leagues. IVF is the big leagues for sure! Needles, and needles, and needles... OH MY! You also have to keep going to the clinic to check number of egg follicles and how quickly they're growing, sizes, etc. You don't want to ovulate before retrieval- you don't want to go too early or too late, you want Goldilocks to help make it just right! (This means lots of morn visits to the clinic again for monitoring. 50 min drive one way just for a quick 10 min checkup... but it's all for a good cause ANNNND I adore my nurses. Win win.)

*Egg retrieval. When the Drs give the go ahead, I'll do the trigger shot to induce ovulation (just like IUI) and go to the hub of our clinic, the Norwalk CT office (rather than to Danbury) for the egg retrieval. I get knocked out for this (something else I freak out about bc it's more needles/IV) but thankfully once that's over I'm good bc I won't know what's happening and/or won't remember the procedure. They go in and literally extract all the egg follicles from my ovaries. Each egg will be fertilized with sperm that day, on site in the lab, and then we wait to see how many fertilize (usually about half I think), and then they're monitored from there to see how many mature/grow as they should. I'm nervous about this part too just because I would hate to get this far and have something awful happen (nothing to extract, I ovulate too soon, nothing fertilizes, nothing matures, etc.). But we cross those bridges if we need to. I can't control much here so I'll try to stay positive and do what I can. 

*Wait & worry (about all above scenarios)... until the embryologists call with results of how many embryos and what quality. 

*Embryo transfer. Return to the Norwalk clinic (brand-new beautiful office as of a few months ago, by the way.... BEAUTIFUL... I secretly love needing to visit here bc it's all new and pretty) and have 1 or 2 embryos transferred directly into my uterus (prob similar to an IUI in a sense). Then you go home and go through the dreaded waiting period to see if they stick and you're pregnant. If not pregnant, you could go through another cycle and hopefully don't need to retrieve anymore eggs but can hopefully do a frozen embryo transfer (FET) with any remaining embryos from the last cycle in which eggs were retrieved/fertilized. Again, crossing that bridge ONLY if we need to. If no embryos are left, you have to go back to square one and start again, building up eggs to retrieve. 

So, in a sense some things are similar to IUI. In a lot of ways, though, it's different. I know I left stuff out and again I'm only giving a quick nutshell of things I'm expecting. Everyone's case is different and every cycle can be different. Each Dr/Clinic are different, too. 

Another bonus to doing IVF over the summer is obv not needing to take time off from work. I hear egg retrieval can take a lot out of you and expect to be laying low after that. I aslo expect lots of bloating and discomfort. I know how 4-6 follicles made me feel after the last IUI cycle, so I imagine IVF is way worse in the discomfort department so it'll be nice to not have anywhere I need to be. I'm fearful of the meds making me super irritable, bloated, and downright crabby & cranky. I'm fearful of all the extra needles and shots. I'm fearful of summer flashing by bc I'll be measuring it all by drives to CT and cycle days, Dr orders, etc. I'm fearful of getting overwhelmed and depressed. I'm fearful of feeling crummy. Blah blah blah.... BUT (thanks to the advice of a good friend!... also the advice I always give others yet never seem to follow myself until it comes back to me by others.) all I can do is take it one day at a time. I can go for walks. I can eat right (like lots and lots of salads... haha). I can be outdoors. I can get fresh air. I can sleep in. I can watch TV. I can enjoy summer. I can hangout with friends. I can do it. :) 

In the words of  the Little Engine that Could, "I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I think I can." (Yup, I just read it to my kindergarten class yesterday!)... I can get through it. I will get through it. I know SOOO many strong and amazing women who are IVF mamas and they are ALL inspirational. I know I can get through it and it's mind over matter. I felt this way with IUI too and have breezed through 6 cycles. I overcame those needles and felt empowered doing my own injections. I accomplished a lot and changed/grew a lot. I can do this too. It'll take more out of me in many ways, but I CAN and WILL get through it. It'll take time, effort, motivation, and support, but I can do it. I'll certainly cry and weep some days, but I'll fight like hell other days. In the end, I can't wait to tell our child(ren) all that we went through to become their mommy & daddy. That'll be a pretty epic adventure story someday. 

Last time I left you with a pic of me and a puppy. This time I'll leave you with a pic of me and a kid (haha, not a human kid, although hopefully someday soon). 

This sweet little baby goat is just 1 week old and this was taken this morning. One of my school kiddos lives within walking distance of my school and his parents own and run a goat/chicken farm. They had about 30 baby goats around 1 month old, and this little guy was the newest kid on the farm. Made my day. If I can be this happy with a baby GOAT, imagine my excitement with a BABY RICCI!! :) :) :) :) 

Someday it'll happen. Someday. Somehow. Somewhere over the rainbow. Until then, all I can do is follow my yellow-brick road... <3 <3

Just BeLiEvE,

Stace 

XOXO

#TeamRicci