I love how Stace is so good at writing and recently I started a couple projects of my own however I only get to the first page and somehow forget what I was doing a week later. Be forewarned, although I like to write, my grammar is not the best, so be prepared for commas and run on sentences, I work for Best Buy, I just need to know how to talk. I was talking to Stace the other night and said, "I should post something on there." I was half joking and half serious and I forgot that Stace loves when I write, so the next day there was an invitation in my email allowing me to post on this here site. I debated, questioned, and then finally gave in. I don't think this is going to be a regular thing for me, however if it helps any one of the couples out there, than it might happen more often.
A lot of infertility sites and support groups really just talk to the women in the groups. They really do not lend a hand to the men that are out there trying to figure out why it doesn't work. Stace bought me a book about a year ago maybe less called, "How to Make Love to a Plastic Cup." This was before we found out the inevitable. I read the first couple of chapters and put it down (like my other projects.) The book to this day still sits under the laptop, within ease of reach, however I never have reached for it again due to the fact that every time I make love to a cup, it ends in the same way and the doctors tell me sorry. I still remember the first time that I was told that there were not any swimmers. I got the call on a night before I had a big district walk at work. Like so many other men, I bottled it up and was not even able to process what I had been told. I texted my friend Manny on my way to work, broke down a little in the car, quickly regained myself and went into work. Now if you know me I am typically very good at a poker face and people try to break me but cannot. This day was very different, every associate, manager and district support looked at me and saw something different. Many of my managers looked at me and asked if I was okay and I told all of them as if it was a normal conversation. All of them said well if this is the first time I am sure something could be done. I was pretty negative at that time and said, no I don't think so. I accepted that day that I was infertile. I had an interview that same week for a hotel chain and afterwards I was going to stop by my brother's tattoo shop and hang out with him. Stace was soo scared that I was going to get a tattoo that basically said "f infertility." Instead I was talked into getting a tattoo of wedding rings and our wedding date. Huge surprise for myself, Stace and all of our friends and I still show it off to this day and people say, you got a tattoo??? But yeah, f infertility.
Stace recently posted about all the things that suck with infertility and I agree with a lot of them. Infertility does suck, it hurts, it pains you, it makes you question yourself, it makes you dig deep, it makes you not want to go on(not with life but with the process), it makes you feel as if you're the only one that is dealing with it(especially as a guy). For those that don't know me, I am known as the "baby whisperer" for those that do and you had a baby, you know that there are just sometimes you wish I was there to help. I don't know why I am so good with babies but I am, and it hurts that I cannot have my own. I have always loved taking care of babies. I remember back when my Grandpa Fleming was in the hospital and all of my relatives would come and visit(we were the closest family so we were there pretty much every weekend.) I remember that one week both my cousin Nicholas and my second cousin Kayla were around. They both at the time were probably in the 1 year old age range, however I was helping watch them. My uncles and aunts and cousins felt safe with me watching them. I had fun watching them. I was young at the time(sorry I do not have a good memory for when people are sick or when the pass away so I don't remember my age.) I also remember when my friend Manny and I were hanging out at his house and this was before we became the brothers that we are today. I said, Manny, Greysen is crying you want me to pick him up? Manny said he does not like other guys that much he is a daddy's boy. Challenge Accepted(in Barney's voice from How I Met Your Mother.) I picked up Greysen and he stopped crying. From that moment on I was the alternate for his crying. Our friend Alli had a baby and I wanted to be there for so much. I loved having Caroline in my arms and I loved that she felt so comfortable that she would constantly fall asleep on me. I remember when she was baptized and we all went to Alli's parents right after. I remember being upset because I had to share her with everyone and that I would not get the one on one time that I was used to. Then the call came, I was just about to get my second beer, you know hanging with the guys, but I stopped because Steve, Caroline's dad, was yelling Scott Ricci, Scott Ricci someone find Scott. I came to the rescue like any superhero would and rescued her from crying. There was another family at the party and they too had a baby boy to which I became good friends with. This is really where the baby whisperer came to life because everyone that saw me that day with the babies just saw that babies are very comfortable with me. And then it has just been a whirlwind of babies since then that people want to hand them over to me to see if I can win them over. To this date I have only had one baby that has not just slept in my arms, but, we are on speaking terms now after so its all good.
Well that's a little bit of the background...so why would I decide to do this? Because it needs to be done. I recently had a conversation with Stace regarding the donor part of this whole situation. We stated from the beginning that we wanted to do donor because that way its definitely a part of us and we can go through everything together as best as possible. Stace had also talked about the 10 things not to say to someone trying recently but they never think of the guy. Guys are good for only a few things in life and making babies is one of them. Lucky for me, I am better at accomplishing other things because otherwise our house would probably have many code violations that I would have to pay people to fix. Just like having someone come over to fix the wiring because you made a mistake, we have the ability to do IVF to fix my issue. Whenever you hear about someone doing IVF, they never tell you about the heartache that you go through before hand. For 2 years we have been trying to have a kid. They tell you not to go to specialist before the first year, and now it has been going to specialist and still nothing. Two years is a long time and when you are trying to have a baby it does not go fast. So much money being spent on tests that I know in my head are going to produce the same result--no swimmers. I am optimistic about having a baby, I am pessimistic that it is going to come from my swimmers. Now that we are coming to the final stage where its mine or donor, it recently hit home. I had a vision that I would have a problem caring and loving for a baby that was not "mine." I know that right now it is just a thought however I am sure in my life it will be brought back up for me and I will feel lost. I know I will not have a problem caring and loving for our babies in the future. I have already taking many of my friends children and treated them as if they were mine. But we are coming to that time and it does suck. The good thing about the year to come is that whether or not I have any swimmers, Stace could be pregnant at this time next year!!!! I cannot wait for us to find that out...until then I wait to have my own.
So yeah, that's me in a nutshell. Sorry its soo long but this is my first time and I needed to catch you all up on how I am feeling. Instructions for after reading this, I don't need an extra hug, I don't need anyone to ask if I really am okay, I don't need anyone to worry about me. I need for everyone to keep being there for Stace and I and helping us through these hard times. I need my friends to keep having babies so that I can keep loving and caring for them. I need life to go on. Life does not stop since I cannot have my own right now, but I will tell you this when we do get that news of you are pregnant, my world might get paused for a few minutes. Really funny as I finish this post Baby Don't Cry by Tupac is playing on the TV which is what I need from my friends, because don't worry I will keep my head up and I will not give up.
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