New Year, New Beginnings

My plan is to make this short just to give a quick update... but we all know how that goes, so we'll see where I'm able to stop. 

I've been meaning to post for quite some time, and yet time keeps escaping me. I had 2 weeks off for the holidays, but we had family staying with us, so I was kept busy constantly and just kind of completely neglected all forms of social media whatsoever. I haven't stepped on Instagram in 3 weeks, other than to post a few Christmas pics and a birthday post for Scott... Even those instances were literally 5 mins, just to post. So I feel a lot out of the loop in those senses and have to get back to it all, little by little. 

First off, happy new year!! 
I'm determined to make 2014 MUCH better than 2013 was, in lots of ways! So far, I'm off to a pretty good start health & fitness wise. I started the T25 program, in small doses, and one of my absolute fav Zumba instructors & mentors is now teaching at my gym, so I'm determined to lose those stubborn pounds that keep creeping on with holidays, sadness, and stress. No more! 

I'm also convinced that 2014 *IS* the year we will finally get pregnant... I have big wishes, but I think it's time, dammit! 

So, I initially titled this post "Emotionally Drained" because that's how I envisioned writing it Friday, and that's how I felt all of yesterday. Our company had left, and I'm AWFUL at goodbyes, so going from a busy house to a quiet and lonely house, with Scott at work, I was miserable. I was also tired from being up late Friday, sleeping on the couch, and up early Saturday, which didn't help. These factors were making my condition worse, but the real reason I say emotionally drained is because it was a big week in Team Ricci news. The results of Scott's sperm mapping/biopsy procedure came back... and it's not what we wanted to hear... at all. 

They found nothing.


I guess you could say we are kind of numb. There were a lot of tears on Wednesday... and a lot more later that night when everyone had gone to sleep and I was alone picking out clothes for the next day. It hurts. It's sad. It sucks. It's not fair. We haven't fully processed it yet either.... plus, I am speaking for myself here. I can't fully comprehend, or even imagine, how Scott is feeling, but it's not so great. Did we have a feeling this would happen? Yes, and no. Scott didn't think there was anything at all... I kept holding out hope that there would be at least just one zone with something to work with. It only takes 1, technically speaking. I thought some miracle would happen and there would be something, somewhere... Anything. How could fate do this to us and give us nothing to work with? It's just not fair. But this is our reality and this is what we are dealing with.

So, as I said, Scott was kind of expecting this, and was somewhat prepared for it. But in reality, how do you really prepare for news that you can't produce sperm? Ho do you? For women, it would be like being told you have no eggs, or that you can't produce milk to breastfeed. How do you process something like that when it's supposed to be a given? But being prepared for it, and then actually hearing it as a reality are 2 different things. Now knowing the news, it just plain sucks for him, and I hate that. I hate that bad things happen to good people. Do bad things ever happen to bad people, too? Scott is such an amazing person. He's an amazing friend, son, brother, uncle, and husband... I do not have a single doubt in my mind that he will be an amazingly wonderful daddy someday, too.

They say when one door closes, another opens. In true Stace fashion, when we hit rock bottom and something bad happens, I try to find a positive to pick us back up and keep moving forward.

The night before getting the results, I hugged Scott and just started crying. I hadn't in a while, at least not fertility related. We've kind of been on a hiatus while waiting for different things to happen with Scott, and we knew we wouldn't be moving on until January. So I was fine with everything on hold and had a very positive frame of mind. But when Tuesday night came, I just completely lost it. I told Scott I was scared of getting bad news. He said "Why? There's no bad news, remember?" The way we had decided to look at results was as so: We knew it would determine 1 of 2 possible paths. The preferred path being that they would find something usable, and we could proceed with IVF in the spring, once the sperm produced to those zones again and they went to extract/freeze it. The 2nd path, plan B, would be not finding anything, BUT getting to move on sooner and save money because we would be using a donor but would most likely move to IUI rather than IVF. So, win/win really... just a matter of which path to take.

Well, here we are, on the Plan B path... and it's not so much exciting... yet. It's not the path we wanted to take, but I truly believe everything happens for a reason and I have been coming to these conclusions lately as to why this is all happening, and what it might mean. A) We wanted them to find some sperm to use, obviously. But, if they had found some, it doesn't mean it would have been healthy, good quality, usable, or lead to good embryo quality. We also could have possibly passed on the same chromosomal disorder that Scott has (not sure if it's genetic, but you never know). We could have ended up with major health problems with the baby down the road, and that would have been much more difficult. So, I am taking this to mean that the reason they didn't find any is because it wouldn't have ended well otherwise. B) Scott is so great with kids. We refer to him as The Baby Whisperer with our friends. He has some weird superpower that allows him to make all babies (well, almost all.... Thanks, Cayleigh! hehe) smile and calm down. Little ones are drawn to him like a magnet and we'll be out in public and some little tot will be staring and smiling at him. It's so funny. I know Scott feels jinxed and feels that if he loves kids so much, and is so good with kids, then why can't he have his own? What an unfair sentence... But then I got thinking, it's kind of like his superpower is coming in handy. Scott has the ability to love, bond with, and connect to any baby/child. He is such a good uncle to the kids of our close friends, who aren't his. So I have no doubt that because of that super ability, he will have no trouble bonding with our baby from the second we find out he/she is in there. If Scott didn't have this heightened sense, I think it would cause complications down the road with our child and he wouldn't be able to accept things. But by having this "superpower", I have faith that our future family will be okay.

So, what's next?
I am waiting to hear from our clinic, but according to Scott's Dr, there's no reason why we need to jump to IVF right now. With donor sperm, we should be able to move to IUI (Intra Uterine Insemination.... the "turkey baster" method/joke comes to mind... and no that's not exactly how it happens... not literally anyway, haha). It's less expensive, less invasive, and we can start sooner. Those are all HUGE pluses in our mind. We have to pick a donor (Scott has complete ownership over this, I want him to be completely in charge there), and once we hear from the clinic, we will go from there. 2014 WILL be our year... our year for a healthy pregnancy, which will lead to Baby Ricci.

It's a scary road, it's not what we want, but it's not over. Thanks to everyone for the outpour of support this week. We've appreciated it so much and it means so much. To everyone who I haven't updated personally yet, I'm sorry, it's been a busy and draining 4 days.  I came across a quote today and it really spoke to me for where we are right now. So, I'll leave you with that.

"Sometimes you have to get knocked down lower than you've ever been, to stand up taller than you ever were."