It may come as no surprise that I'm a Libra... My life is all about balance.
I almost always see 2 sides of a situation and therefore would make a horrible debater. I can never pick sides in an argument, especially when it's between two people I like. I can't make simple decisions on what to eat, wear, etc. I'm so indecisive and am always weighing pros and cons. I'm easy swayed and persuaded. Scott and I are polar opposites in a lot of ways... and the same in others. I love yoga and balance is always my favorite part- especially Tree Pose... Yup, my life is all about balance.
What does balance have to do with our infertility struggle and journey to a baby? When life kicks me down, I am ALWAYS looking for a reason to get back up. I can't stand being miserable (who doesn't?). I'm always needing a positive to balance out a crap situation.
December has a new meaning for us this year... but it's well balanced with good/bad so I'm somewhat ok with that. Some of you are aware that our 2nd round of IUI, back in April, was somewhat successful. If I hadn't miscarried, I would have due on December 27th of this year. Being that this chapter closed in May, by now I have come to peace with it, or so I thought... December 1st hit last week and I was an emotional mess. Maybe not to outsiders, but on the inside I was. This month ALSO marks 3 years since I came off the pill and we decided to start trying for a baby. 3 long years... 3 stressful years... 3 emotional years... 3 tough years.... 3 roller-coaster years. (Yup, more like it!). 3 years and no baby bump. My favorite time of the year QUICKLY turned to the worst and saddest time of year.
... Or is it?
Obviously we are still saddened by the trials and stress of the situation, and I often wonder what I would have looked like being 37 weeks pregnant this week. But in true Stace-fashion, I need a positive to balance it out. I need a silver lining to get me through with a genuine smile on my face and a wave of calm in my heart. So here it is-
Scott has a new job (as of 2 months now) and the best part is, HE'S OUT OF RETAIL!!!!!!!!!!
How is that a happy balance?? He's home practically all the same times I'm home! We have NEVER experienced this in our entire relationship. Scott has worked retail since 2001, when we graduated high school. Since then, he's worked practically every weekend, holiday, and night. All of my time/days off became his work time. Holidays were sacrificed for YEARS. The only weekends we would get were typically vacations when we went away in the summer. I can't even go into all the craziness because it just plain stunk.
This year, Scott didn't have to go to work on Thanksgiving or at the crack of dawn Black Friday, or even for the whole weekend. He worked 8-5 office hours on Black Friday and had the ENTIRE weekend off!! He's home every night well before I go to bed. He's home the entire weekend. He gets to celebrate/enjoy holidays now. Did I mention he's off for the ENTIRE weekend??! (Ok he has to do 1 half day Saturday a month, but that's a piece of cake! Who cares!). We have never celebrated a true Christmas season together. I always have about 10-12 days off from school for holiday break and in the past Scott would be home on Christmas and MAYYYYBE 1 other day, but that was pushing it. This year, he's home for 8 of my 12 days off....
Talk about a true Christmas miracle! We actually get to spend it together, like never before. The last Christmas when he wasn't working retail, we were 17 and dating. So it wasn't even real because we had to go to separate homes at the end if the night. This year, when we need each other's love and support the most, we get it. So to me, I truly think that's a fair balance and that's my Christmas miracle. We would have loved to be expecting a baby any day now, but the fact that I FINALLY get my best friend/husband back for the holidays is a fair trade balance and I'm over the moon thrilled about it. I feel just as giddy as when we got married. I'm so excited for more quality hubby time, and to see Scott happy and relaxed on Christmas.
One of my FAV Christmas songs is "All I Want For Christmas is You".... and this year I've got it.
We will always wonder what could have been if the little miracle had stuck around until now, but I also have to believe he/she gave us an equally awesome gift at the time we need it the most.
It'll still be a tough day when my would-be due date rolls around in a few weeks, but it's definitely more bearable with Scott by my side. Team Ricci, in it to the end.
On another note.... My dear friend, Linzy, now has a photography business and was recently back home. I somehow convinced Scott to let her do a photoshoot for us, and here are just a few of the amazing pics she took.
If you're near Kileen, TX, check her out!! If you're near me, she comes home occasionally to the Hudson Valley area. Check out her work:
**Amazing side story regarding Linz below the pics. <3
A few days after I received our photos from Linzy last week, I received another package from her. Super confused, I opened it and found an envelope and a cute wooden sign with a fun quote (the girl knows me ALL too well!), a wine quote (even more up my alley) that says "Santa stops here for wine tasting". Cute, I thought! Then I went to the envelope/card and inside was a donation for our baby fund and a sweet, heartfelt note that made me cry. Linzy had started a secret fund for us a few months back, trying to raise money to help us with fertility costs. *(Even though insurance currently covers IUI and Dr. visits, it doesn't cover all of the additional costs involved in a cycle and we were paying about $1000 a month for sperm, meds, etc.... IF we need to move to IVF in the future, insurance doesn't cover any of that, so it'll be about $10K, per cycle, on top of the $1K a month I've already mentioned.) The fact that she thought of us just blew my mind and I was speechless. Full of appreciation. And just plain blessed. We've been very fortunate to have some great support around us, and I just had to give her a shoutout on here. Thank you, Linz!! You rock and I just am so completely grateful for you and our friendship. *Note- This is not a pitch for people to donate to us. I am so weird about asking people for things, even favors. We've tossed around the idea of starting something if we need IVF, because we won't be able to cut it. But we can handle the IUI treatments and although much appreciated, this is not a sales pitch! Just spreading awareness to the realities of the underground infertility world. Many don't have any insurance coverage for even IUI. We are lucky to have at least that.
Fertility Treatment Update: We are still on a break. Honestly, I'm kind of loving it, for the moment! I'm finding time to get back to the gym and take classes I love (Zumba, Yogalates, Circuit), and even signed up with a friend for a few personal training sessions. I'm finally getting back in shape and gaining confidence again. I've got more energy and I'm happier. Scott's home more and I'm loving that daily! I don't miss hormone pills that make me crazy, I certainly don't miss blood draws, ultrasounds, and self-injections, OR inseminations. I don't miss waking up at 5am to drive an hour to the clinic THEN an hour to work. I don't miss any of it. It stinks we can't get pregnant without going back... but I'm honestly enjoying the break. We'll get back there soon- maybe in a few months or so.
But until then, thanks for sticking with us!!
And always remember...
P.S.... It's late & I'm tired, so not editing or proof-reading. Sorry! :p
Love these photos of y'all! So glad you are enjoying your break girl, those are so nice!
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