The #TeamRicci Story~ Living With Male Factor Infertility

The #TeamRicci Story~ Living With Male Factor Infertility

Those of you who are new to my blog- Welcome!! :) 

I'm not a short & sweet, get-to-the-point writer. I spill my emotions out from my heart through my fast-typing fingertips and don't hold anything back in terms of letting you know my thoughts and where I'm coming from. I figured a disclaimer was only fair but I hope it doesn't scare you away from reading our story! ;)

 So here we go...

Who we are:

I'm Stacy (friends & fam call me Stace) & my husband is Scott. We are high school sweethearts and have been together since 2/7/99, when we were teenagers... That's more than half our lives together! We are referred to by some friends as that fairytale couple who was meant to be together, yet I promise we are really just your typical/average couple. We are opposites in many ways; we bicker over the dumbest things sometimes; we drive each other nuts; etc.... but we are best friends, we love each other, we compliment each other, and at the end of the day, we always try to work as a team. 

We are #TeamRicci. 

As corny as this sounds, we knew early on in our relationship that we were meant to be together and often dreamed of our future together. We've both ALWAYS wanted children- no doubts about it. We both love kids & were both good with them early on (I babysat a lot, worked at a daycare, and decided I wanted to be a teacher.... Scott always loved hanging out with/taking care of his younger cousins and just always had a way with kids) and we couldn't wait to someday grow our family together. 

We got married on July 6, 2007 and planned to take at least a few years to ourselves before trying to start a family. Up until this point in our lives, we had never really heard of infertility. I've heard of older couples who couldn't have kids, but it was almost like a taboo topic that ended there and it was a rare thing at that. Other than that, that was it. I did sometimes randomly have a weird Q pop into my own head on occasion... "What if we can't have kids? How ironic would that be?" but I don't think I ever mentioned it aloud to anyone and just brushed it off as a crazy thought the few randomly rare times it came up. I was a true believer in everything happened for a reason and that we were meant to be, so naturally we would have a family when we wanted to, right? 

Our infertility diagnosis:

In a short blurb, we are living with male factor infertility (MFI). Scott had 3 negative semen analyses, all 3 of which came back showing zero sperm. Not just low sperm count, NO sperm count. This is often referred to as azoospermia. Scott was also determined to have 2 varicoceles, which were fixed during surgery. AND he was diagnosed as having a chromosomal disorder called Kleinfelter Syndrome. We believe the azoospermia is due to the Kleinfelter Syndrome (where you have an XXY chromosome, or essentially an extra X), but the double whammy with the varicoceles could have complicated things along the way anyway. Bottom line with this diagnosis is that Scott is completely infertile and cannot have biological children with the same genes. The ONLY way for us to experience pregnancy together is to use a sperm donor. 

Our journey trying to conceive & EVERYTHING we've tried/done:

We took the plunge and decided we wanted to start a family just over 4 years ago. I took my last birth control pill on Christmas Eve, 2011. At the time, the advice was to stop the pill a month or so before you wanted to get pregnant (to let the hormones out of your system, balance back out, etc). We figured we would just let things happen from there but started actively trying around February 2012. We tried... and tried... and tried. Month after month after month, I got my period yet again. Not pregnant... Not pregnant... Not pregnant. 

The "try on your own" year

I knew a few friends who had no trouble conceiving right away and started to get frustrated. This was supposed to be easy. They make it sound SOO easy in high school health class. Why isn't it happening? I talked to a few people and they all suggested I buy an ovulation predictor kit and we would be good to go. They suggested I chart my temperature and they said it would be a piece of cake from there. Ha!! Those things only stressed me out more. I became a lunatic. Waking up at the same time every single morning (before getting out of bed to get a true read) to check my temperature became obsessive. It was also a huge pain in the a$$ for Scott. The thermometer beeped every time you turned it on, off, AND when my temp was ready to be read. The ovulation predictor kits was another obsession... pee on a stick every morning until it showed you would soon ovulate. Reading those tests was enough to drive you literally insane ("Is that 2 pink lines? Is the one line darker than the other? Is it a different shade? Is it the same shade? Wait.. what does that mean again? Is it the lighting? Is it just me? Scott, do you see it too?"). Then when I was sure it was go time, we had to try... which is so not fun when it becomes a chore. I would get depressed if it didn't happen on the day I thought it should because it meant we would miss our time window and have to wait another month to try again. I literally drove us both insane- completely insane- and this went on for months. This was a super frustrating time in our relationship. Yet each month when I knew I wasn't pregnant just became more and more and more aggravating and depressing. This was supposed to be easy. 

That summer, Scott decided to get a home sperm test. I remember I was at the beach with a friend when he texted me that he felt he was the cause of our problem. He said the test was negative or showed some funky result, but I assured him it was probably a faulty test and those things probably shouldn't be trusted because they weren't accurate. We let it go for then and kept trying. 

Finally, after a FULL YEAR of the same crap, I told my OB. In the meantime I would Google anything and everything, but because we were under 35 (heck, we were under 30!), all the advice said to try for 1 year before seeking medical help. So a year came and I mentioned to my OB that we were trying. Now, important side note- I wasn't so crazy about my OB office at the time. It was a very small office with only 2 people to see and I didn't feel like either a) genuinely cared about me, b) ever remembered me, or c) neither gave a warm and fuzzy, friendly feeling. When you're "all up in there", you better be warm and fuzzy and at least attempt to make me feel comfortable. This is already a super awkward experience AND position, so please don't make it worse. Anyway, they almost immediately referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist.  In my head, all I could think was "A what?", I was immediately turned off, didn't want anything to do with a specialist of some sort, it wasn't what I wanted to hear, and I wanted to leave. I just wanted some reassurance that it would happen soon and all I got was "maybe we should do some testing and maybe you should see a reproductive endocrinologist". Gee... thanks but no thanks. I dismissed the idea and went on my way. I was so mad when I told Scott. There was nothing wrong with us. I was fine. He was fine. We were fine.... I was in denial. 

I remember finally giving in and calling the patient coordinator back at the OB office. SHE, at least, was friendly. She told me that we had options for testing. She said I could get a blood test or something with some super long name (something I now know as the HSG) and she also said Scott could get tested. She explained that for my options, it was easier to go for the blood test and to have Scott tested because a) insurance for the HSG was sometimes tricky, b) it was not always a smooth/comfortable test for women, and c) why go through it if I don't have to. Ok, blood test it is. My blood test came back mostly normal but they said my prolactin level was high (I think?). I remember looking it up (not even knowing what it was at the time) and crying thinking that was the reason because they didn't explain anything.... I now know it was not even an off number and that they scared me over nothing. 

The first semen analysis (SA)

We also set up a semen analysis (SA) for Scott. For guys, you have 2 options for this test. You can do your business at a lab OR you can do your business at home and just make sure you get it to a lab within X amount of time (maybe 45 mins?).  In our case, the hospital lab was 30-35 mins away, so it was just barely doable. Being completely in denial and nervous himself, Scott went for the at-home test. I remember hearing stories about a) keeping the specimen warm enough and b) making sure it arrives in the time window... It was a very tense and awkward car ride as we rushed to get it there. I was holding the container in a sock, in my hands, to keep it warm. I was nervous we wouldn't get there in time, and then what? We ended up getting there literally just in time and as we rush into the lab feeling like we were on some drug deal drop off, I look up and see someone I know. The mom of one of my students that year was one of the nurses in the lab and was the one collecting our specimen... ohhhh myyyy godddd. I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole. I was so mortified, I wanted to disappear. Thankfully, she is an amazing person with a great personality and she made it better for us. She made some joke about "If you're here, who's at school watching my kid?!". I giggled, rattled off that they were in good hands, and that this was awkward, and that this was my husband Scott... Scott quickly replied "Well, I hope so, or THAT would be awkward!!". We got the hell out of there and the rest of the day was prob super stressful. 

I can't remember how long it took for the results to finally come back, but I do remember this... Scott was working & I was home from school; it was probably around 4:30 or so. He was working retail hours, which meant he wouldn't be home for a few more hours. I got the results from my OB office and they said there were no sperm. I was in complete shock, I asked them to repeat it because there was no way I heard that right. She said it again. No sperm. I said "None?! As in ZERO?!.....". Shock. Long pause. I told her I didn't even know that was possible. I started shaking. She told me that maybe it was a fluke and that we should repeat the test, this time AT a lab. But still, the damage was done. The result was zero... and I had to relay the news to my husband. 

I instantly broke down into tears when I got off the phone. I started crying out of devastation and broken-heartedness that we would never have kids. I Googled what this meant. I cried some more. I started pacing. I cried some more. I started to wonder how in the hell I would tell Scott. I cried some more. I knew I couldn't tell him via text or on the phone- he was at work. I cried some more. I was alone with this awful news and didn't know what to do but he needed to know first. I think I told him when he came home but I'm not even sure, and I probably did it in some awful way by just blurting it out. Maybe I tried to say it nicely. I don't even know. Either way, it doesn't matter because either way it sucks and is near impossible to tell your husband this news.  It's heartbreaking. 

The second SA

For Scott's second test, he went TO a lab. For some unknown reason, they sent him to a location that's almost an hour north of us. Weird. But off he went and he had the oddest, most embarrassing experience. In movies they portray these tests to be pretty guy-friendly- private room, a TV, some magazines, etc.... NOPE, not this case. I wasn't there but I remember the story to go something like this: He told the receptionist he was there and she handed him a cup. Confused, he asked where to go. She points to the bathroom located in the waiting area. Mortified, Scott says "That bathroom?" and she answers "Just make sure you lock the door.".... Oh. Emm. Gee... Poor Scott. I can't even recall the rest of it other than the fact that it was obviously super awkward, nerve-wracking, embarrassing, and difficult. It was probably obvious to the people in the waiting room (men and women) of what was happening. Downright cruelty to men if you ask me. That's a pretty horrible setup. Long story short, those results came back at zero too... In Scott's defense, how he could get anything more in that kind of environment is a puzzle to me! Eeek. Either way, these results brought more devastation, anger, and heartbreak, of course. We weren't getting any closer to answers. We started asking around for referrals for fertility Drs and one clinic's name kept popping up. We also got referred to a reproductive urologist for Scott to have more thorough testing done. 

Fertility Dr (RE) consult

In late March of 2013, we had a consult with an RE (aka the fertility Dr.). We both got some blood work and asked some questions. Given Scott's first 2 SA results, she wanted him to get a 3rd through their office (she promised Scott it wouldn't be as bad of an experience as he had previously) and she also referred him to a reproductive urologist to check for some other answers. She told us if very low sperm was the issue that IVF would be our only chance of conceiving. It was quite an emotional appointment because we knew we weren't getting any immediate answers, plans, or things to look forward to. She also said that once we knew what we were working with would determine our next steps with her.

In the meantime, Scott had his 3rd SA and it was more along the lines of what they show in movies... at least it wasn't an embarrassing experience for him! However, the results came back at 0 again, so off to the urologist we went.

Reproductive Urologist consult
In April of 2013, Scott got an appointment at the reproductive urologist. Met with urologist; Scott had to do a 4th semen analysis (poor guy!!), blood work, and an ultrasound.... Found out he had varicoceles (varicose-veins in the testicles, causing blood to pool, making it too warm for sperm to develop) AND a chromosomal disorder called Klinefelter Syndrome, which causes very low testosterone levels. Surgery was recommended to remove varicoceles, which he did in May. From there, we had to wait 4 months to check for sperm, and again at 6 months to check. Both times still showed zero, so Scott had to get sperm mapping done (aka a needle biopsy, which involves 18 needles in each testicle to take a sample and check for sperm in different sections. It's a quick procedure done right in the urologist's office, and takes about 1 hour. Only downfall is it's only local anesthesia, so I was nervous for Scott about that one (and all mankind will be cringing as they hear of that). The Dr. said some guys don't feel a thing, but others feel everything... no way to tell really. Ugh.) and he handled it like a pro even though it still haunts him from time to time. 

After all that, it was determined that there was truly no sperm production and that using donor sperm would be our only hope for me to experience pregnancy. 

Choosing a Sperm Donor
For us, we wanted to at least try to experience pregnancy if we could before moving to adoption. We are not opposed to adoption in any way but I've always wanted to experience pregnancy and Scott supported this 100% and was totally on board. We decided to get an anonymous sperm donor and did so through one of the online cryobanks our RE office suggested. I left all the donor decisions up to Scott. It was his area and it was a way he could be involved so I loved giving him ownership of this. Choosing a donor is a strange experience. I've never done online dating but I imagine part of it could be similar. You get to narrow down donors by a huge variety of traits (ethnicity, hair color, eye color, height, weight, etc.) and see lots of information like medical history, interests, college degrees, etc. It's quite involved and you can be as specific as you want. We clearly wanted a donor who matched as many of Scott's traits as possible. Being Irish, German, and Italian is a hard combo so I think we ended up with 2 out of the 3. Also blonde hair and blue eyes was a must, so we feel we hit jackpot with ours. Although we will never meet him, we are forever grateful for his selfless act of wanting to help others grow a family. 

IUIs
Once we had the golden sperm ordered, we were cleared to start IUI. I had had a saline sonogram AND an HSG prior to make sure my uterus & tubes were clear and looked like they would work/hold a pregnancy. So off we went on IUI cycles. We did 1, had such high hopes, and the pregnancy test was negative. We did another one and, to our surprise, got a positive!! We were on Cloud 9 and told our immediate fam right away. It was Easter weekend of 2014.

Miscarriage
Exactly a week after finding out we were pregnant, I miscarried. We were in Disney for the weekend, celebrating my dad's 60th birthday with a surprise weekend, and my heart was being simultaneously broken... in the happiest place on earth. The irony was crappy. I was cramping and bleeding and crying my eyes out half the weekend. My poor family was very supportive and wonderful, but Scott and I were crushed. We gained our first angel baby that weekend and I'll never forget his/her original due date~ 12/27/14.  

More IUIs
After taking a few months off for my hormone levels to balance out, we jumped back into IUI cycles again. We did another 2 cycles back to back in the summer of 2014, both of which failed again. We took a few months off since it was driving me insane emotionally and interfering with school. The early morning trips to the RE before school was becoming too much. I was driving 100 miles before 8am when I had to pretend nothing happened and be a teacher for the day. We started up again with our final 2 cycles in the spring of 2015. Both failed again, even though we were now using injectables and had more follicles than before. It just wasn't in the cards for us.

I don't think most people try IUI 6 times, but our insurance covered most of it. All we had to pay were small copays for each visit and the full cost of sperm. I guess all in all, it was still just shy of $1,000 each month/cycle, but compared to IVF it was affordable so we kept trying. I also had no reason to think it wouldn't work. If sperm was our issue and we now had varsity swimmers on board, what was the problem? Everything kept checking out fine with me, but something wasn't clicking. We finally threw in the towel and decided to make the big jump to IVF in the summer of 2015.

IVF

With zero insurance coverage for IVF (which, btw, is totally stupid and unfair), we decided to switch fertility clinics. We were previously working with Drs in CT but heard that NY clinics had a grant program for NY residents. We switched to a NY clinic and applied. We received some money to help cut the cost of IVF a little bit (every bit counts!!) and we were on our way. We jumped fully into IVF over the summer of 2015 and it involved alllllll the needles I always feared. I became a pro at self-injections in my stomach and Scott was there for me every step of the way. He helped motivate me and we ended up with a nightly ritual for shots where we played loud music to get me psyched and pumped up mentally. After egg retrieval/fertilization reports, we ended up with 9 embryos in the end and are truly blessed for that.

We did a fresh embryo transfer 5 days after egg retrieval and transferred one perfect embryo. We had such high hopes that this was finally it... but it wasn't. The test was negative, despite the perfect embryo, perfect uterine lining, and me being in great health. The Drs couldn't explain it and we chalked it up to chance and/or possibly being too hyped up from hormones in the stimulation process. Even after going through 6 failed IUIs, you'd think I would be prepared for this... but I swear each negative test and failed cycle only hurt more and more. I was crushed. The Dr. wanted us to take a month off and try again on the next cycle with a frozen transfer.

On November 9, 2015, we transferred 2 embryos. To our surprise, we found out on November 18th that we were pregnant!! Our beta was 282!! The numbers rose wonderfully over the next few days (745 then 2,714) and at our first ultrasound we saw 2 sacs... TWINS!!! At the next ultrasound in early December, though, only one had continued growing. We lost Baby A but Baby B stuck around. We were bummed to lose 1 but were over the moon to have something!!! Baby B evolved into the nickname "Baby Bee" and we are currently 27 weeks pregnant, due in July. 

Pregnancy after infertility:

Pregnancy after infertility is a ball of many different emotions, some totally new. Finally being pregnant after such a long time struggling is truly an amazing experience. It's also extremely surreal because I am constantly still in shock that this is actually happening!  I STILL pause and stare at my belly in awe, or stop Scott and say "There's a baby in my belly!!".  It's also bittersweet for me because I am obviously over the moon excited about this blessing but my heart still aches for those still trying. I don't want to hurt anyone still trying and I will never forget what it's like to be in their shoes. I was always inspired by those who finally became mamas after struggling and I hope to be the same for those still fighting. I never want to throw it in anyone's face but I also feel that we've earned the right to shout it from the rooftops too and show that miracles can, and do, happen. We've waited longer than others for this right and we should't deprive ourselves of it. I will never complain about my pregnancy and I will never forget what I went through to get here. Our story will forever be a part of me and I will never stop sharing it. Pregnancy after infertility is the most amazing journey we've been on yet. It's filled with more fear and anxiety at each step, as you're always fearful it'll be stolen from you at any second, but it's also the most wonderful thing in the world. I am loving every minute of it and as much as I can't wait to meet our little munchkin, I want time to slow down so this isn't gone in a flash. Why must the TTC time drag on slower than anything in the world, while pregnancy and mama time seems to fly by faster than anything in the world. It isn't fair. So because of that and our journey to get here, I will never take any moment for granted. I don't know if I will ever get the chance to experience this again. Nothing is promised for us. All I know is that we are in love with Bee and love every day/new milestone with him growing in my belly.

Male Factor Infertility (MFI):
Living with MFI is not easy... It's talked about way less than other types of infertility that affect women. Women open up more easily than men. If men don't talk about their struggles, others don't know they exist. Therefore, we've gone through the last 4+ years not really knowing ANYONE in our situation. Everyone else got to try with their partner in one way or another. Even those couples using egg donors still got a different experience out of it than we did. If we were in need of an egg donor over a sperm donor, it would be Scott's child biologically but I would get to carry it, so I would feel more involved. Scott doesn't get to contribute to the gene pool and doesn't get to experience all the physical and emotional connections I do. It doesn't seem fair. It's just different. We feel alone all the time and no one truly understands our situation because it's something people talk about less, even though we know it exists. 

Scott has been a trooper through this whole ordeal. He's been involved in every single way he can be. He's been there every step of the way with me. He was there for every injection (often recording them for me and playing the music). He mixed all the IVF drugs that needed prep. He took care of me after egg retrieval. He did EVERY SINGLE PIO shot for weeks, and became a pro at it. He's been to every single appointment with me since Bee has been on board. Even if it's a quick 5-min checkup with the OB, he's there. He puts his hand on my belly. He talks to Bee sometimes. He has felt a few kicks. He plays music for Bee. He's such an amazing dad already and I know he will continue to be wonderful moving forward. But it still hurts sometimes because we don't really have anyone to talk to about it all. We do, but not in the way that we need. Therefore, maybe we can become a motivator for other couples. Maybe because we are constantly sharing our story with others, we will help others to come out and speak their story too. We need the outside world to realize it's ok to be dealing with any type of infertility, but especially male factor infertility. Sperm count doesn't make you a good dad, love does. 

Every once in a while, Scott comments on a social media post about MFI. Every once in a while, he posts on our blog. I love hearing his perspective; even though it's no news to me, it's amazing to see him open up and want to help others. We've been through a lot and if we can help just one couple, it would be comforting. You are not alone. 

A recent comment Scott made on IG about opening up & sharing your story.

Being part of a #NIAW Q&A challenge for #StartAsking

Scott's answer is below... :)

Scott's answer to his Q

Why our struggle doesn't end here:

Yes, we are currently pregnant. 
But no, our struggle is not over.

We will never forget where we came from. We've been through so much and yet we aren't done. If we decide to try for another baby in the years to come, we will have no choice but to visit the fertility clinic again, dish out more money, and start up the constant madness of another FET cycle. Early morning Dr. visits before work (an hour drive at 5am, rushing to get in line to be one of the first patients when they open at 7am), blood draws, injections, procedures, fear, hope, anxiety... it's all just a fraction of it. We have no guarantee of it working again. Hopefully it will, but you never know. I'll also likely be over 35 by then, putting us automatically in the "high risk" category at the OB. 

I don't even want to think of trying again for a while, not because of all the dark feelings and anxiety it stirs up, but also because it's not fair to Bee. We fought for 4 years for him to come into our lives and now all I want to do is be fair and enjoy time just the 3 of us for a while. No stress of another child over our heads. No taking away from time with him to worry about a new cycle or child. It's not fair. He deserves all of our love and attention for a long time, and we plan to do that. 

Our struggle also does not end here because we will have difficult conversations ahead. When we someday share Bee's story with him (yes, we plan to be totally open and honest with him), we expect some difficult emotions and conversations that will be tricky to navigate. There are no right answers on this stuff; it's not something we can truly prepare for. We'll just have to take it as it comes. We fear that someday he will rebel against us or place blame on us for making him different than his friends. We won't have much info on the other half of his genes other than the profile from the cryobank. We can only hope that's enough. Hopefully by showing him how much we wanted him, and how much we love him, and hopefully by being decent parents, it won't cause heartbreak. That's another bridge to cross when the time comes, but I can't help but think of it on occasion. Sure, it happens less and less now, but it's still there. Most of our friends won't have to have that conversation... ever. Most couples who beat infertility don't have to have that conversation because both their genes helped to create their child. Our struggle is far from over. We can only hope for the best and fight it as we do everything else- one day at a time, and together. 

Share your story. Speak up. Start asking. Raise awareness. Let's fight together. 

Thanks for reading our story. I hope it offers some comfort in that you are not alone. There is an army of us fighting hard day in and day out. Pregnancy after infertility doesn't mean it's over and I don't care. It means I won't take anything for granted and I know you will someday get your miracle too. Keep fighting. Keep shining. Reach out for help. Seek motivation and inspiration. There are so many of us out there blogging our stories that you can always find someone's story to relate to. Your time will come and you will be amazing parents. Don't be silent, it'll only hurt more in the end. Share your story. Speak up. Start asking. Raise awareness. Let's fight together...

XOXO,

Stacy
#TeamRicci

**If you want more info on any piece of our journey, it's broken down by month/year in timeline form on a page header on the homepage of my blog. Click here,  Our Journey

**If you have Qs and don't want to leave a comment, feel free to email me or find me on Instagram.
Email: stace.ricci@gmail.com
IG: @Luvbug7607