Wednesday, October 29, 2014

That's the Way the Cookie Crumbles...

A little disclaimer...
Always a bridesmaid, never the bride... I think the saying goes something like that.

Here's my version...

Always an aunt, never the mommy...

I just counted and currently 5 of my friends are pregnant. (That I know of.) There's always the chance of another announcement just around the corner. Don't get me wrong, it's super exciting stuff and I am genuinely thrilled for all of these people and that's just life. But it gets me thinking how I really need to sort out my emotions and get them in check quickly. That's quite a few baby showers in the next 6 months. I likely won't be pregnant by then (although I suppose it may be possible, just barely) and will need to figure out some ways to stay sane through all of those highly emotional times. Quite a few baby showers I can't bail out on (but if I do, PLEASE understand my need for doing so. Sometimes it's honestly just too painful and I don't want to be "that girl" off pouting in a corner. Some days it's easy, some days it's just plain rough). Quite a few baby showers that I might need to station myself at the mimosa station for or need a DD for. 

Frustration is a constant underlying emotion in me lately. Pregnancy is a part of life and the fact is that the majority of people I know are perfectly fertile. Lucky brats. Kidding, Kidding! In all seriousness, it's true. It's a natural life function/process (in most cases). It's life. I have to deal with it. I'm just bitter that we don't fall into that category. The frustration for me is constant and always there. I can be dealing with all of this really well or really badly. You just never know when it will come and how it will show its face... but the end result will always remain the same: 

I can ONLY get pregnant with assisted reproductive technology (fertility treatments). 

End of story. 

Let's face it.... that sucks. It just plain sucks. It doesn't seem fair. It's not fair. When I dwell on it, it makes me want to scream and cry. It's frustrating. 

We are still on a break from trying. It's probably in my head but I do feel like I've gotten a few looks here and there at my belly (at different places/with different crowds of people we know). If it looks bigger, it's only because I'm gaining unwanted weight. Stress can do that to you. No baby weight, just stress weight.

Still on a break. Not trying for a few more months still. We stopped for a few reasons. Mostly because the stress was getting to be too much. Also because each month was really adding up financially. Also because we were losing focus on each other and on ourselves. It's AMAZING not having my life governed by hormone medication, fertility drugs/injections, early wakeups to drive to the clinic before work, blood draws, ultrasounds, insemination procedures, agonizing over every imaginary symptom my body is experiencing, negative pregnancy tests, tears, etc. It's nice just going back to being ME. My focus is on me, Scott, and work. That's kind of it. It's nice.

When I really think about it, though, it does make me sad. Because the time will come when we do decide that we want to try again, and the stress will all start back up again. All of the above will become factors again. And that's where the jealousy creeps back in. Jealousy of all those couples who can conceive naturally, no meds involved. No timed injections involved. No perfectly timed 1.5 hour drives to CT to get a vial of sperm placed in your uterus. No needles. No spending $1,000 a month for a 20% chance of it working. Jealousy of the way it's supposed to work, but never will with us.

Where's the romance in that? Sometimes it makes me not even want to try this way. Sometimes I wonder if we even should have kids. Sometimes it makes me wonder if we should jump right to adoption so we don't have to keep doing all of this. And that's where Scott jumps in and makes it all better, putting it all into perspective and bringing the sweetness back into it. (He's so good to me.) I recently had one of these rants (via text message, while he was away recently...)

Me: blah blah blah (going off on another emotional rant) Maybe we should jump to adoption. It's a waiting game either way. And it would put us on even playing field with genetic ties, and I wouldn't have to put my body through any more hell. Just becoming more open to the idea I guess.

Scott: Ok, I have no problem doing that, after we have exhausted our options. (*Note: We had previously agreed on trying everything we could with me before moving to adoption, so I can experience pregnancy.) I really want to go through pregnancy with you. I want to be able to sing to/talk to/rub your bely. I wanna go to those stupid classes with you so we can giggle when they throw out silly terms and funny/gross things. I know there is a lot to go through for you but when it happens, and it will, we can go through it together.

It's stuff like that that makes it all better. It makes the struggle worth it. The possibility of all of those fun times ahead.

It's just the frustration of wondering when and what if, in the mean time. Will it ever happen? When?

I am such a believer in "Everything happens for a reason." Things happen when they're supposed to, and all that jazz. But man this is frustrating.

I want to live in the moment, and have been more able to lately. But it also would be nice if I knew for sure that this was going to work eventually. We don't have any reasons as to why it's not, other than the fact that there's only about a 20% success rate for each IUI. Just the way it goes. But good golly, Miss Molly... it's almost heartbreaking.

I think I am somewhat scared to start up again. I am a sucker for believing in things whole-heartedly and having my hopes up WAYYYY too high. Positivity is a good thing but I go overboard and then when things hit the fan, I fall hard. I crash and burn. I think I now have a wall up and each failed cycle has added another layer to the wall. No house made of sticks and twigs here. This baby's made of bricks and steel. I don't want to be hurt month after month again. I need to go into the next cycle (whenever we decide that to be) with a much more "whatever' attitude. But when I'm being shot up with fertility meds and gambling our money each month, it's freaking hard not to.  I wish one isolated encounter, involving JUST Scott and I, could result in baby-making success. But that's just not the case. Can't change it, can only change how I deal with it, how I react, and where I take it from here.

But all I keep coming back to is: It's just frustrating.

I don't really know the point of this post. Just venting some frustration I think. Not trying to sound like a whiner and a cry baby, even though I'm aware that I do completely sound like both. 

As Christmas approaches faster and faster, I know the reminder is going to hit harder and harder. For about a week, I believed I was pregnant and having a baby around Christmas. December 27th would have been the due date, to be exact. Early miscarriage or not, it was still a hard loss for us. Christmas marks the 3 year mark since we started trying officially, off birth control and ready to jump right in. Christmas still marks that, and now will also mark the point of what could have been. Instead, this Christmas, we will have an angel looking down on us. We will also FINALLY have our first non-retail Christmas season in what feels like forever. For the first time since 2001, Scott is no longer working in retail. This was well before we were married, so this will be our first REAL, NORMAL holiday season. We've dreamt about it forever and it seemed like it would never happen. But it's finally here. No black Friday shifts. We are starting to experience what weekends off together are really like, and we are excited to spend the holiday season 100% together, no holiday shifts in place. I guess that's a good trade-off, since we will need each other's support more and more. 

Needless to say, we won't be starting up the IUI process again until after the new year. Time to be determined still. Not exactly loving the thought of having to drive an hour to the clinic early before school AND with crummy winter weather on the way... so we shall see what we end up deciding when January rolls around. 

As always, thanks for reading. We are always touched by the love of our supportive family & friends.


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