|My FAV nurse drew a heart on my Bandaid this week. Just because. :)|
So where do we go from here?
We're currently (I think) at the bottom, ground zero. I was on cloud 9 two weeks ago, thinking of the possibility of everything suddenly working out for us. Now we are laying on the floor with only one direction to move in... UP. We can only go up from here. Time to start climbing and building strength/motivation again.
We have decided we are done with IUI. Before this past cycle, I initially wanted to try for a few more times, but I keep putting my ALL into every cycle. Physically, mentally, spiritually, I've done it all. Every factor was in place this time to boost our chances and it still didn't work with all the odds in our favor. So I've kind of lost faith in the process and can't put myself through that again for only a 20% chance of success (even that is prob higher than it likely is).
Moving on to IVF seems like the best option for us, and the step that makes the most sense to come next. Originally I thought I would like to keep going with more IUIs, like up to 10 or so, but I've had a change of hearts. Most clinics seem to suggest IVF after about 3 or 4 IUIs, bc if it hasn't happened by then, it probably won't. Even though insurance covers the bulk of IUI, we are still paying a lot each cycle, and if we keep going, we will end up dishing out the cost of IVF anyway (just spread out). I can't keep putting myself through this emotional turmoil for such low chances, it only makes our hearts ache more, and we certainly aren't getting any younger. So it finally hit me, reluctantly at first, that if this past cycle didn't work with ALLLLL those perfect scenarios in place, then we need to close the door and move on. So IVF, here we come... eventually.
It hasn't been decided exactly when we will start the IVF process, but I definitely want to before another school year starts back up in September. So that gives us a few months to play with. I think another break is much needed for my mental and physical well-being, as well as our bank accounts. I'm still on the fence of whether or not to start up before school lets out, or wait until we are back from a vacation in early July. There are pros and cons of each. But ultimately we need to have an IVF consult with our Dr, so I'll set that up soon now that the dust is starting to settle a bit around here.
To be honest, the IVF process terrifies me and scares me to my core. I know I said the same about IUI, and acupuncture, and blood draws (HA! That's all child's play at this point), and I became a pro at those things (who knew... it still seriously amazes me). I know I can, and will, survive the IVF process as well (as SOOO many women have, and so many who inspire me on a daily basis, a lot of them now moms), but still scares the heck out of me. There will be extra needles, extra meds, BIGGER NEEDLES & some that Scott will need to inject into my fatty rear end... ughhhh, seriously cringing at that thought... of the needle AND trusting Scott to do it (we joke about him happily stabbing me), and having to go under for the egg retrieval procedure... all are making me shout OUCHHHH in my mind. But I suppose I have time to adjust to the thought of it, build up lots and lots of inspiration and motivation, suck it up, and just do it. It's all for a baby, and because of that I have to keep my eyes on the prize at the end. It will all be worth it some day when we hold our baby (or babies) in our arms. Some day that wish WILL come true. We are doing all we can to get there.
NIAW comes to an end today, but infertility awareness will forever be a part of our lives. It's been one hell of a week, for all kinds of reasons, but I'm finally beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel. It cannot rain forever, and things have to start looking up. They just have to. I already feel mentally way better than last week. This one took longer to get over because of everything else that hit us at the same time this week, but we will boost forward again. I've said it before and I'll say it for the rest of my life, Scott is my sanity in all of this, and I would not be able to cope with things so well if it weren't for his strength and support. #TeamRicci has made it through many obstacles and we will make it through this one too. I'm so lucky to have such an amazing guy as my husband and the father of our future babies. I'm forever thankful for you, hun. I love you! <3 We will get through all of this as well, because we'll do it together.
Ending on another positive note, I have to share the highlight of my day yesterday. A coworker at school breeds Bernese Mountain dogs, and one recently had 2 puppies. She brought them by yesterday for a visit and I was in puppy heaven!! This little cutie is 8 weeks (they get very big!) and is off to a new family today. They look like such stuffed animals and were THE cutest. It put me in total puppy love and now I want a puppy of our own. If we are lucky enough to move before September, maybe we can make that happen. We've always said we'd have a dog after kids, and that has taken forever as well. At this point I'm thinking it would be nice to have a dog already trained and settled before kids arrive. But summer would be best for me to be able to help/train it since I'm home more, so maybe that will work out for us. Who knows. We would get a different kind because these beauties are too big, but seriously HOW CUTE is this puppy!!!! I finally got to smile again this week. Thanks for pointing that out to me, Jess. <3 :)
|For real. highlight of my day!!! She is NOT a stuffed animal, just one of the cutest puppies ever!!!|
As always, forever thankful for your love & support!! Thanks for reading!