Sunday, November 29, 2015

Bittersweet Christmas Feelings

"It's the most wonderful time of the year..." or so the song goes. The holiday season was always a favorite for Scott & I, even before we were together. Not because of the gifts under the tree but just because there's always been some type of magic in the air. Some of my favorite things about the Christmas season have always been Christmas lights, the magic & wonder of it all, giving gifts to others, fun decorations, and the excitement of children awaiting Santa's arrival. 

I don't know what it is about Christmas lights but they always relax me and make me smile. One year in college, I came home from babysitting late one night and Alli had decorated our room with lights to cheer me up (I think I was stressed or bummed about something). It brought instant happiness! Then, one of the first years Scott & I were married, I came home to our tree up and lit; Scott had done it all on his own while I was at work.  New York City in December always has a magical feel to it, too. Lights and decorations at every corner; Rockefeller Center; etc. 

Life, however, has had a funny way of trying to ruin the holiday season for us numerous times. Scott being in retail for 14 years meant sacrificed holiday time and often waiting for him to get home on Christmas Eve while dinner got cold. Long retail hours of nights and weekends were difficult on us at times but we got through it. Fortunately, as of last fall, Scott changed jobs and now we have a "normal" life of working Monday-Friday during the day. Nights and weekends together has been great and last year was the first holiday season we got to actually enjoy together. 

But then there's the other reason I secretly have a love/hate relationship with Christmas.... It marks yet another year of trying to get pregnant. Christmas Eve of this year will mark exactly 4 years since I went off the pill and we decided we were officially ready to start a family. 4 years. Thanks for the reminder, most wonderful time of the year. More like most awful way to be reminded we are still childless. 

Christmas 2011- we started trying to have a baby
Christmas 2012- realized it's been a whole year and we need to seek help from Drs 
Christmas 2013- If we hadn't miscarried our pregnancy from IUI #2, our due date would have been this week. Oh, and realize it's now been 2 years trying and things are getting old.  Couldn't look at Christmas or baby stuff without tearing up.
Christmas 2014- Realize it's been 3 years trying and that we could have had a 1-year old by now. 

That brings us to now, 2015, aka 4 years trying... but hopefully getting closer soon. At least now we are on our yellow-brick road to Oz via IVF. We got 8 frozen embryos out of our IVF cycle over the summer and hopefully our baby/babies are in that batch as we gear up for another try soon. Hopefully we are getting closer and hopefully this is our last Christmas just us. But who knows. I still hate certain Christmas stuff. Those cute Christmas jammies? Secretly hate them. Baby's First Christmas anything? Yup, hate those too. It all is just so damn cute but makes me want to cry because I have no need to buy them right now. I keep telling myself "Maybe next year... maybe next year... maybe some day...". Blah. 

So, yea, I've got some bittersweet feelings on my plate for our favorite time of year. Can you blame me? I want to stay hopeful, as I most often do, but sometimes it's hard. I pray our time is coming and one day I will stop worrying about everything, even just for a bit. For now I just have to believe that all will be right some day and keep believing in the magic of the season. Maybe our time is finally coming. I hope so. 

In the meantime, Merry Christmas & Happy Holidays to all! 


Stace <3

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