Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Emptiness Leads to Opportunities

So as I think about my title for this post, the pun is intended.  I am sure that everyone has read Stace's post at this point and understands the news that we obtained last week.  Its scary because every time I have received crazy fertility news, something with work HAD to be done the next day so I can never process what happens as it comes to me.  Its a week later today and I still have not been able to process it.  I completely understand it and have come to terms with it way before this past week, but for some reason my body hates to be sad and my mind will just block it out until it comes crashing down.  Sometimes it happens quickly, sometimes it takes a while.  Its crazy because when I called my parents to tell them, I knew they were out because I could hear background noise.  I told my Dad I would call him when they were home and he asked if it was bad news and I said yes.  Its funny because about an hour after the call, their car pulled up outside my house, if you think about caring parents, thats my parents, they just knew that I needed to tell them in person.  So yes it is "bad" news because even though I knew it was happening, its different to know and have it said to you.  Even my doctor stated it very matter of fact when he told me.  Scott its bad news, we did not find any.  I responded as I know.  I did know, however at that point I had a million things happening in my brain.  I know that I will be a great father, I know that I will love my child no matter what.  I know that I will be able to give my child the advice that I have been given and be able to lead them to a life that is full of happiness and love.  I know all of this but until I am actually in the position, I will grieve.  I will be unhappy.  I will be sad.  I will be mad.  Because I am infertile.  For a year I talked about being infertile and everyone that I talked to said this is not the last step, don't worry I am sure that something will be found.  One year of lots of tests, some very uncomfortable, came to the same result that I was told a year ago and that is that I am infertile.  

So lets think about the title, emptiness to opportunities, is that a glass half full/half empty scenario.  I guess so.  If you think about life in general, you always start with nothing and end with something.  I look back a year ago in my career and I was thinking about making a change because I was not performing well.  This past December was my best finished month as a manager finishing overall 9th in the company out of over 1000 stores.  If it did not snow in the northeast on the 3rd to last day, I believe that I would have finished top 3.  So last year I sucked, this year I am much better.  Progression.  Last year we were stuck at a crossroads.  This year we have a definite plan.  Progression.  Its funny we talk about me being the "baby whisperer" and we had a breakthrough happen on Monday night.  The one baby that had always been my one that won't accept the power, crawled across the floor, and propped herself on my lap.  It cracked us all up.  Not only did she do it once, but she did it twice.  And when she did, she sat there very calm and did not get up right away as we all know how fidgety one year olds are.  She was very content just sitting there and watching TV with me.  Progression.  So maybe she understood that I needed that.  She understood that I was feeling lost and scared and sad.  She knew that it would give me an instant feeling of happiness and direction.  I always say that children have a great intuition, just like animals do, so I feel that this happened for a reason.  

So what's next?  Right now for me, its looking at donors and going, this would be a good fit.  At first I started out very specific that the person had to be my weight, height, eye color, hair color, hair type, ethnic background....results were not good.  Now at least I have accepted that the donor can have straight and wavy hair.  I have accepted that the donor can have blue, green and hazel eyes.  I have accepted that the donor could be anywhere from 5'10" to 6'4".  Weight I have gone away from completely as long as they are healthy and not obese.  Hey if I get to choose, I get to choose.  So now I just need to figure out who it is going to be, and I have already chosen one that should work.  

This is going to be an exciting year for "Team Ricci!"  We are very optimistic about it happening and when it does, we both will be ready for it.  Not only will we be ready for it, but our family members that have been so supportive will be ready for it.  And also our extended family members will be so ready for it.  Just be prepared everyone, I have held your babies and not wanted to let go, but had to because it was not mine.  This will be my baby, so there might be a chance that I will not let it go.  Be prepared!

2 comments:

  1. Believing big things for this year!!!

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  2. Being positive is half the battle!!! I love hearing you are optimistic. We are right here cheering you on, Stace!!! :)

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