Sunday, May 18, 2014

Somewhere Over the Rainbow

"Somewhere over the rainbow
Way up high
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Once in a lullaby

Somewhere over the rainbow
Blue birds fly
And the dreams that you dreamed of
Dreams really do come true ooh oh

Someday I'll wish upon a star
Wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where trouble melts like lemon drops
High above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me"

Someday, somewhere, somehow.... our dream will come true. We'll be a family. We'll be parents. We'll have a baby (or babies). We'll be complete. <3 Til then, I'll keep dreaming, and wishing, and hoping, and praying. :) 

Somewhere Over the Rainbow is one of my favorite songs, especially the version by Israel Kamakawiwo'Ole (see video below~ you can play as background music while you read... haha!). We went to Hawaii for our honeymoon (almost 7 years ago!! I wanna go back so badly!), and I've always had a soft spot for this song. We played it as part of our wedding slideshow too. We had a rainbow on our wedding day, and it's just a beautiful song. This isn't the official music video but this one has rainbows and pretty scenes all throughout, so it was more fitting for this post. Enjoy!

I've been thinking a lot lately about our loss, and all the insane emotions that come with it. I've also been daydreaming a lot about our rainbow baby and pulling inspiration and silver linings, life lessons, and positivity from experiencing an early miscarriage.

I still fall apart from time to time. Sometimes I don't even realize what causes it and I'm just plain sad or tired. I think some of that this week is because I can't exercise for another week (due to the methotrexate injection). Thankfully I didn't have any side effects from that, and I got word Friday that my levels are finally starting to go down. I think it'll take quite some time for them to balance out to 0, but at least it's on the right path. I'm so incredibly thankful that if I was meant to lose this pregnancy, that it happened when it did. I couldn't bare to lose it later on, or to not even know I had lost it. It downright sucks, but if it was meant to be, I will accept that fully someday. I'm working on it, and getting there.

So, what is a rainbow baby?? Urban Dictionary explains it pretty perfectly...

"A "rainbow baby" is a baby that is born following a miscarriage or still birth. In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison.

The storm (pregnancy loss) has already happened and nothing can change that experience. Storm-clouds might still be overhead as the family continue to cope with the loss, but something colorful and bright has emerged from the darkness and misery."

This was a good explanation, too! 

 "There is a rainbow of hope at the end of every storm."

In talking to a coworker this week who has experienced a loss and now has 2 kids, she put it all in perspective for me. She's very religious and like me, believes that everything has a time and happens for a reason. She has been through this too and said she really believes that in a sense this loss is a blessing because now that soul will look after and protect our next child, and she really has a strong belief in that. Another close friend went through the same thing and swears that her child is looked after by their angel baby as well.

Similarly, my cousin Brittany sent me a text on Mother's Day (this year and last~ she's so sweet and is seriously a rock star!!) about what great parents we will make, and about our little one in Heaven. She is the best little cousin (even though she's not so little anymore!) and has become such a great friend, I'm so thankful for my family~ immediate and extended. They've all become such a great support, whether I'm mentioning you specifically or not, thank you. <3

Thanks, Britt!! LOVE YOU!! <3 <3
No rain, no rainbows... You can't have a rainbow without a bit of rain. You can't stand up tall and proud if you've never been hurt or known what being at the bottom feels like. Fall down 7 times, get up 8. It's all part of our journey and is molding us into the people we are meant to be, into the parents we are meant to be, of the baby we are meant to have. It's just a little speed bump and we will get past it, and it will make us stronger. I joked to Scott yesterday (during one of my emotional meltdowns), that it doesn't feel like a speed bump. It feels more like moguls, for crying out loud! Did I mention that neither of us are skiers?? Yea, makes it more challenging! haha ;)

Ok, so in all honesty, I really do know in my heart that it's for the best and our time will come. I do know that. What I don't know is WHY it has to happen to so many of us. WHY it has to happen multiple times to some people (some very loving and deserving people by the way~ some ttc sisters and some in real life folks). WHY some try for years and years to get pregnant and still nothing? I know for a fact, hands down, without a doubt, that all of those wonderful women will make amazing moms!! So WHY must they endure so much and wait so so long? It's just not fair. I wish there was a certainty to it all and it was just a matter of when. I know so many deserving mamas out there, and we are not getting any younger! (Despite what people say~ yes I'm "only 30"; yes I may "have time on my side".... but in the same sense, I wanted to be a fun young mom by 30. I know it's fine to have kids in your 30s, and Scott and I are so young-hearted, but still~ I want it to happen soon dammit!)

One more quick rant.... I was recently asked how things are going and if there are any babies yet. I know they meant well and I debated writing this because I feel bad, but it still did kind of make me shake my head. Now, this wasn't a bad question if it was in a text, email, or phone convo. But it was in person. I didn't think I had really gained that much weight (other than a few pounds from eating junk to drown my sorrows). I politely answered "no, not yet, still trying but having difficulty". There were kids around so I didn't want to get specific and talk about the miscarriage. Then I was asked if I had been on the pill a long time. I answered yes, and heard an explanation of how that could be causing trouble (I never thought of that!!.... total sarcasm here) and explained that yes although that could sometimes cause difficulty, it wasn't that. We are working with a fertility clinic and my husband is infertile, so we are going about things in a different route. And that it'll happen eventually. That was kind of it.

Again, I know people mean well, but it has become a pet peeve when some people deliver their thoughts and suggestions as if this must be the cause of your problems. Don't stress. Don't think about it too much. Don't try so hard. Try harder. Do it more often. Eat healthier. Stop overthinking. Take your temp and check when you ovulate, it'll work.... No. Trying to conceive does come down to a science, and at times these other things work and were the magic trick for other people... but none of it will be the fix for us. None of it. At all. The only way for us to conceive is with a bunch of fertility meds and donor sperm with a perfectly timed, and totally unromantic, somewhat embarrassing, procedure. That's it. That's the only way a baby is being made in this uterus, folks. So thanks for the advice, but no thanks.

I know I'm a bit bitter on this whole thing, but I think that's to be expected. Scott joked about what I would be like when I'm pregnant and my emotions/hormones are more out of whack than now, but I just cried some more and said I'll gladly take it in because it will mean there's a baby growing in there. Right now I'm feeling crazy and on an emotional roller coaster but there's NO baby in there. Nothing good out of this emotional wreck, so it sucks. I know I will probably eat my words and someday will be a cranky mess pregnant or after giving birth, but for right now I just want that experience so badly. Right now the pain and grief is for nothing. Just patiently waiting for my numbers to go down, for the pregnancy hormone to completely vanish from my body, and to be done with this. Good news~ as of Friday, it did start to go down.... I may have already written that, so if so, oops!! Sorry! But even though it's declining, it'll still take a while to reach zero and completely rebalance. So until then, I think I'm just going to be thrown for loops until we can start up again. Hopefully over the summer when I'm more relaxed and don't have to rush to work right after morning monitoring appointments... instead I can rush to the mall for some retail therapy, or to Megan's for some pool time!

I promise I'm okay overall. Most days I carry myself well and am distracted. Many/most people at school still have no idea (or so I think). Most days I do not cry and have a pity party. Just when I'm tired, cranky, haven't worked out in a while, can't drink a glass of wine to help, when I'm home alone, or when something randomly reminds me of what happened. Yesterday I had the same meal I had the day I found out we were pregnant and I immediately regretted ordering it for the reminder... oops. Stupid, but it crossed my mind. Hearing people in a restaurant talk about their crazy pregnancy food cravings. Hearing a certain song. Seeing pregnant characters on my fav TV shows. Finding out people are pregnant without even trying, or on their first try, or unplanned/unwanted. Hearing the kids at school ask if I have kids, why don't I have kids, or reminding each other I don't have kids. They're 5 and 6, they're sweet and mean well, and they have the biggest hearts, but I always think to myself "thanks for the reminder". I'm around kids 5days a week, I see them getting picked up by their moms after school daily. It's all around me. I can't avoid it. I just have to react to it in a healthy way, and mostly I do.

Another favorite life lesson...

In life, things happen to us. But in the end, it's our reactions that matter. We can't change the event, but we can choose what we do with it. You can choose to be negative and fall down and stay there, never seeing hope, and letting it define you.... OR, you can choose to be positive, learn from it, let it make you stronger, find a silver lining, and move on from it as a better person having gone through it.

I choose positivity, silver linings, strength, hope, and happiness.

What do you choose?

1 comment:

  1. Trusting that your ashes will be turned into beauty!!!