Thursday, May 1, 2014

"No Rain, No Rainbows".... Bent, but Not Broken

This is not the kind of post I ever thought I would write.... ever.  

The short version of the story (spoiler alert!!)...

Last week I was pregnant... but this week I am not. 

Last week, we were expecting our first baby... and this week it feels as though it was just a dream. Last week, we were jumping for joy and feeling on top of the world. This week, it was all taken away. I was very newly pregnant but had an early miscarriage and lost it. Even though it was very early, in our minds and hearts it's still a huge loss. Others may not agree but I still consider it a miscarriage because I was pregnant and now I'm not. I was 5 weeks 1 day when it started, and 5 weeks 3 days when it was confirmed by our fertility clinic. I had a miscarriage. I am 1 in 4. Add another depressing statistic to us. 1 in 8 for infertility. 1 in 4 for miscarriage. Why can't we be the 1 in ___ odds to win the lottery?? 

If you're just finding out for the first time while reading this, I promise you're not alone. I've only told a very very small circle of people this week. It was so early that I didn't want to announce it to the world yet, so most people are only finding out this way. I'm sorry you're not hearing it from me first personally (well, in a way you are), but I can't possibly call/text/email everyone I know to tell them this awkward and depressing news. This is the best and easiest way for me to do so. There's a lot of people I wanted to tell, but just couldn't bring myself to do it. I needed time to process this all on my own first and then I will be able to talk about it more and more as each day passes.

We are crushed. We are sad. We are angry. We are hurt. We cry at random times. But I've decided today that I'm bent, not broken. We will bounce back. We will try again. We will grow from this and we will come out stronger once again. Team Ricci has been through so much over the past 2.5 years and this is just another bump in the road that we will get through. It won't stop us. It is now a huge part of our journey and we will keep moving forward with determination, hope, and positivity. 

I'm not really sure how this post will turn out. I don't have any creative writing ideas with this one. No funny stories to make it all better (well, maybe 1 but it's too embarrassing to write so the only thing that made Scott and I laugh about this all weekend won't be appearing here, sorry. I'll keep it to ourselves.). No real plan... Just going with the flow. 

There's probably a million questions going around in your head (there are in mine, too, don't worry) and perhaps a few of them will be answered by the time I'm done writing this. Perhaps a few of them won't be either, but that's the way life goes. I have a ton of questions that will never be answered in all of this either. I apologize in advance for the very high likelihood that this post will be super confusing, full of grammatical and spelling errors, mistakes, out-of-sequence events, awkwardness, and whatever else seems weird about reading it. Again, just going with it. 

Why am I even writing a post about this in the first place?? First and foremost, I'm writing it for myself. I need to vent in order to grieve and process all of my mixed emotions. I need to write it all out to let it all out. It's also part of our journey and I don't want to ignore that. This loss is now forever a part of me and I don't want to pretend like it never happened. I've been open with our whole fertility journey up to this point and I don't want to leave out a really important (and huge) piece of the puzzle. I also can't gain support from others if they don't know I need it. I realize there will be some people who don't agree with me publicizing this, but it's honestly my personal decision and something I need to do for myself. I respect the fact that a lot of people keep quiet about miscarriages and loss, and I completely understand that. I don't and won't judge anyone for keeping quiet who has ever gone through this or something similar. I believe it all comes down to personal preference and what you need for you. For me, I both need and want to do this. Scott's on board and approves, so that's really all I need. 

Let me backtrack a bit and catch you up. My last post was mid-March, during the two week wait from our first IUI procedure. Those two weeks were brutal in terms of waiting but I was SO insanely positive it was like I immediately knew I was pregnant. Literally every day, there was some crazy insane sign that it worked. I saw a huge billboard outside the train window late that night that said "Today's the day.". Certain songs kept playing on the radio almost every time I was in the car ("Best Day of My Life" by American Authors, "On Top of the World" by Imagine Dragons, "All of Me" by John Legend.... you get the idea). I was having good physical symptoms too (swore I was feeling implantation cramps, felt like there was a happy and positive aura about me, one of my best friends and my dad both told me I was glowing and literally looked pregnant). So I thought it was a done deal.... until my period came. Not pregnant. It came 2 days before I was supposed to go in for my blood test. I was blindsided and heartbroken, but also thankful my body told me on my own before going for the test. I was crushed because I literally had myself SO convinced that I was pregnant. After all we'd been through, I thought it actually magically happened on the first try like so many other people I know. Nope. Just a cruel, cruel joke. I was so depressed for like a full 2 days, and then I bounced back up ready to take on round 2. 

Luckily my state of mini depression happened over the weekend (maybe Mother Nature isn't completely evil after all~ she did save me from turning my world upside down while at work. The weekend was maybe a blessing in disguise). By Monday I was back at the clinic ready to go for round 2. Full speed ahead. The first monitoring appointment was with my favorite Dr. and even though I burst into tears when he asked how I was, he assured me that everything went well with cycle #1. I responded well to all the meds, our donor sample had really great numbers/stats, etc. He assured me that things went as well as they could have, and it's really only a matter of time and we'll get there. I secretly adore this particular Dr. because he has the best bedside manner and is so comforting and positive. I completely recognize how weird this sounds given the type of Dr. he is, but I do not mean it in an inappropriate way whatsoever~ I swear. All I'm saying is after talking to this Dr. you just feel more positive and optimistic about the next steps. So I left cycle number 1 in the past and moved on to cycle 2 with high yet realistic hopes. 

Cycle 2 was different from cycle 1 in almost every possible way. With cycle 1, my Dr did both monitoring appointments and the procedure (just by luck, depending on the day and the schedule of the office). Cycle 2, it was our fav Dr for 1 monitoring and the IUI procedure, as well as a diff Dr we met for the first time with the second monitoring. In cycle 1, I took my temp every day and charted it, which caused a lot of stress and anxiety each morning for both me and Scott as to what my temp was. Cycle 2, I threw the thermometer in my nightstand drawer and haven't touched it since. In cycle 1, I was on Clomid for days 5-9, but for cycle 2 I was on it days 3-7. Cycle 1, the school nurse gave me my trigger shot, but cycle 2 I did it MYSELF!!! (Talk about feeling strong and empowered!! This is a fun story for a separate post.... I'm so proud of myself). Cycle 1 I felt 1000000% positive and optimistic, cycle 2 I felt more even keel and realistic. Cycle 1 didn't work, cycle 2 did. 

I kept notes on all symptoms I was feeling for the two week wait for each cycle. After cycle 1 failed, I wanted to do the same thing for cycle 2 and cross reference. This way, if I was seeing a pattern, I didn't want to get too excited. The way I felt after cycle 2 was so different. I didn't have a happy positive glow. I didn't get all these crazy signs. I didn't think it worked. Then one day, about 9 days after the IUI, I woke up and felt like I was getting sick. I felt slightly nauseous, but honestly didn't think pregnancy. It was humid out so the windows were open, and the bathroom was hot after I showered, so I felt like I was overheated. I went to work but as the day went on, I felt weaker and weaker. I didn't have a fever but was freezing all day at school and had no energy to do anything. By the time I got home, I was in tears and complaining of a headache, achy body, and having hot/cold flashes. Scott was home and immediately thought I was pregnant because he had never seen me this bad. I honestly felt like I was getting the flu or something. I took a half day the next day for a Dr appt and also had acupuncture. By then I was starting to feel better, but still not myself. It really felt like I was fighting something off, like a virus, but it never really came. By Wednesday I was much better but still not 100%, until I got home. We had a mini spring break (lost most of it due to using all our snow days, plus 3), so perhaps I was feeling better because it was now a 4 day weekend?! ;) That afternoon, I started spotting as if my period was coming soon... but it was way too early. I wasn't expecting it for another 3-4 days and I never spot that early. Maybe 1-2 days early, but never 3-4. This was my first and only inclination that maybe, just maybe, it worked?? An embryo can implant anywhere between 6 and 12 days past ovulation, and this was day 11. I was starting to gain a glimmer of hope, but over the next 2 days I wasn't sure because signs of early pregnancy also mimic signs of getting your period. Yet another cruel Mother Nature joke... Guys really do have it easier sometimes!! 

Fast forward to blood test day... the longest day of my life. I went in at 7am for blood work and the call didn't come until 1:15. Longest 6+ hours.. of. my. life.... Woa, talk about brutal. I was pretty much a ball of nerves all day until the phone call came. I'll never forget it. Scott and I were sitting on the couch, anticipating the call (between 12 and 2 they say!). Our nurse said hi, asked how I was, and said that my blood results looked really good. I remember pausing and saying, in shock, "...does that mean what I think it means???!!", to which she replied "...Yup, you're pregnant!!". I think I shouted with joy, Scott and I both started crying, and then the nurse talked specifics with me. When they do a pregnancy blood test, it basically measures how much of the pregnancy hormone is in your system. When the embryo attaches itself to your uterus, it starts producing and releasing the hormone. It rises over time and typically doubles every 2-3 days. Anything over 25 is considered pregnant, or so she said. My level was 30, which was on the low side... however, my test was at only 13 days post IUI. Usually they test 14-16 days past. I don't know why they scheduled me early this time but they did. So, given that it was a day early, they were actually happy with the 30. This was Friday and I was set to go back on Monday to check the level again, which should double if all was good. My level Monday ended up being 75, so it was a good rise (more than double). I went back again Wednesday and it jumped again to 153 (another double), so they said I was good to go for scheduling my first ultrasound scan at 5 and a half weeks, to check for the gestational sac. 

Here I go jumping around again... back to finding out. We were overjoyed, thrilled, SHOCKED, so excited, and just in complete bliss on cloud 9. We couldn't believe it. Scott instantly glowed in the fact that he knew before I did that I was pregnant. We believe my little spell of being sick earlier in the week was a sign of my body trying to say "what the heck is going on in here?!". I think it was trying to fight off some unknown substance, thinking it was a virus, when it was just the little embryo trying to snuggle in and attach itself. I guess I'll never know, but it sure was interesting to say the least. 

Naturally, we told the grand news to our parents that weekend. In any other new pregnancy, people wait a lot longer than a few hours or days to share the happy news. But keep in mind we told the world when we started our first IUI cycle. When it failed, we told many people who we see or talk to on a regular basis. That meant a lot of people knew when cycle 2 started. So those people figured out when we would be finding out results from cycle 2 and examining whether or not I was in a great mood or a crummy mood. And when it's me we're talking about, I wear my heart and emotions on my sleeve... on my face... in my walk... in my voice.. in my presence. So hiding it was not really an option. I'm an awful liar and wouldn't have been able to act as if I was upset that my period had come again. I honestly hadn't thought about what I would do if it was positive. So, we told our parents pretty much ASAP. I called my grandma immediately. She's our only living grandparent and I decided a while ago that she would be the first to know. She lives in Florida and I don't see her much; she's not getting any younger; so naturally I wanted her to be the first to know. 

Being Easter weekend, I themed Easter reveals around sharing the news with some of the grandparents. We surprised Scott's parents first, the following day, with an Easter basket and eggs with hidden messages inside each. Together it spelled out "you are going to be grandparents". We also gave them an Easter card from the little jellybean (even though it was just the size of a poppyseed). I called my mom next and FaceTimed with her, getting her opinion on two bibs for a friend having a baby soon. The bibs were both grandma-themed, and it took her a minute to get what I was really saying. My dad came over early on Easter to help me dye eggs (we said Scott hates doing them bc it's "childish" hehe... really, he loves doing it!) and I pre-wrote messages on them to reveal "Hi Pop!", "we're pregnant" after dyed. The rest said "Baby Ricci due in December". We also told Uncle Brian and Uncle Mark that week too, with a cute little onesie that said "Uncle's No. 1 cutie".  All of them were very fun reveals and I have pics of a lot of them to keep and cherish forever. It was a lot of fun and I was so excited to take part in a fun holiday baby announcement for family, yet the whole time I was so so nervous of jinxing things because it was so early. 

Every time we announced it, my next line was "it's super early though, so I'm really scared of losing it". Again, most people do NOT announce so early. At this point I was just barely 4 weeks (2 weeks since conception, but it starts with day 1 of your period, so 2 weeks are really freebies). Most people do not announce until they've passed 12 weeks safely. But since so many people knew when IUI was, we couldn't hide it so decided to share it. Even though I was nervous of losing it, I didn't actually think that I would. 

This quickly became the happiest week of our lives. I kept putting my hand on my lower belly instinctively, as a comfort and connection to the little seed growing inside. Scott kept doing the same and would give me the cutest and most loving glance. He'd call me Baby Mama and just hug me with the sweetest smile. We were both soooooo insanely happy. I started downloading pregnancy apps on my phone, started dusting off and reading pregnancy books that have been sitting and waiting for me to open them, and started planning out how our empty little spare room would look as a baby nursery. I ordered new dad books for Scott and started stalking Pinterest with baby announcement photo ideas to hang onto. 

With each new blood test, I was so extremely anxious for the results. I had such a nervous feeling that my numbers were too low. I would glance back at numbers posted on Instagram of other TTC girls and mine were wayyyyy lower. My nurse kept assuring me that it was the rise they were concerned about, not the numbers themselves, but I just couldn't ignore it. I really felt like it was just too low of a number each time, even though it was doubling as hoped. I was almost mad in a sense that I even knew the numbers because knowing too much can sometimes be a disadvantage. "Normal" couples who don't need a fertility clinic for assistance can just pee on a stick, wait 3 mins, and see their fate in the result of a home pregnancy test. Positive or negative. A simple black and white YES or NO. Nothing more. Pregnant is pregnant, go on your merry way. But not for me. I had a number attached, and it was a low number. I got so upset and hung up on my numbers that I wished I could just be normal, pee on a stick, see "Pregnant" and stop there. So finally I peed on a stick, saw "Pregnant", jumped for joy, cried for joy, took a few cute pics and tried to feel "normal" like my other friends who only knew based off that one home test. I have to say it made it feel more official and more fun. 

Fast forward a few days and it's now last Friday. Weird thing is that the home test suddenly said nothing in the window (yup, I kept it... and it had previously said "Pregnant" for a good 3 days)... blank screen, nada. I was sad and said "wow, that's kind of depressing, it's gone just like that". That night, we were flying to Disney to surprise my dad for his 60th birthday, so I was all packed and ready to go straight from school. During the day at school, I started spotting brown (sorry, TMI alert), but there was A LOT of it. I felt like I was getting my period, but the nurse assured me that spotting was normal for the first few weeks, especially brown. If it turns bright red, I should contact them immediately, but brown was fine. I certainly didn't feel fine. I felt like something was wrong and was very on-edge all afternoon. I was trying to text Scott about it at lunch and must have looked flustered because a coworker sitting across from me picked up on it immediately as I was frantically pecking at the buttons on my phone to tell Scott I was trying so hard to hold it together and not lose hope. Busted. Oops. But I held my cool and said I was ok, just focusing on something. I'm such a bad liar. By the time Scott got me after school, I was a nervous wreck~ I just had a gut feeling that something wasn't right. But everything the nurse told me was trying to keep us sane, and Scott was so so optimistic and not giving in to my craziness at all. But no matter what I read or what I was told, I couldn't shake the feeling that something was not right. 

I realize this is incredibly long so I want to try and breeze through the Disney part, as that's not important to this post. Maybe I'll save it for another. Long story short, we surprised Dad in Disney. My brother and his family were there and my dad knew he'd see them, but didn't know Scott & I would show up. So it was a really wonderful little family reunion and we had a great time hanging out with Mark, Stacie, and the kids. It was much needed family time and I'm thankful we got to have a great weekend with them, despite the turmoil happening within my uterus. 

Late Friday night there was a little bit of blood, and I immediately fell apart. Like sobbing, runny nose, snot-faced, gut-wrenching, won't stop tears. It was bad. I think that's the first sign I really knew something was bad. But Scott was sooooo good. He kept strong the whole time and kept telling me not to worry, let's see what the morning brings. By the morning, it was long gone and back to brown, an okay sign according to many. Even knowing this, and happy it wasn't red, I stilllll was just not at peace with it. We met up with the family group at Universal Studios and I sat out most rides (actually all but 1) because of warnings for expectant mothers. Even though I had a bad feeling about the outcome, I had to still act as if I were pregnant.... Innocent until proven guilty, pregnant until proven not. This was hard for the thrill-ride enthusiast in me, but I knew it was for a good cause and didn't mind. I just wish I didn't feel so uneasy about whatever was happening in my uterus. Even knowing brown is ok (apparently brown means old blood, and could just mean the embryo is settling in deeper), I just couldn't wrap my head around the WHY so much and WHERE is it all coming from, or WHEN will it stop. Looking back now, I totally and completely knew all was not right with the world (the world being my new baby in my belly). 

Fast forward to Sunday morning... I convinced Scott to go to Magic Kingdom with me to take cute pics on Main Street in front of the castle. This was our only Disney park day and it was for Epcot, but MK is my fav just for the magic feeling you get while walking around and I really really wanted to be there for the little bean and to get the happy pregnant feelings back. I have to say it totally worked and I loved being there for the good hour that we were there. But a few hours later, while walking around Epcot, my world came crashing down. I went to the bathroom and saw blood... red blood... and enough of it to worry. Did I mention the bathroom was soooo far from where we had been, and where Scott still was? It was probably the length of a football field away (may not seem like that far, but when you can't think straight and just want to bawl your eyes out, then have to walk that distance back, through a crowd of excited Disney-goers, while holding it together... it's not an easy task) and felt like an eternity to get back. I had texted Scott from the bathroom stall saying we needed to leave ASAP. Scott and I had been with my dad and nephews at the time, so I tried to whisper to my dad what was going on and we booked it back to the hotel room (pretty far walk). The whole time, Scott was telling me to breathe, held my hand, rubbed my back, and just tried to keep me calm. As much as I wanted to be positive, I knew my world was ending. I knew the baby wasn't sticking around much longer. Why me? Why here? Why now? Another cruel joke. Let's take away the baby while at the happiest place on earth... Oh, it's your favorite vacation spot?? Nope not anymore. (Hopefully that will change again soon).

As I'm sobbing and laying down with Scott in the hotel room, we called the emergency number for our clinic and they paged the on call nurse, who called back within 10-15 mins. I couldn't even speak because I was sure my world was crashing down, and Scott talked to the nurse and gave her all the specifics of what I was experiencing. She asked if I was having severe cramps and made it sound like it was a good thing that I wasn't, so Scott held onto that as his saving grace. It basically felt like I had my period~ I had cramps but pretty mild/moderate on and off. She said that my scan for Thursday should be pushed up to Tuesday when we'd be back in town, so they could check out what was going on. I was already missing a day of school Monday for being away, so had to call in sick for Tuesday and head to the Dr. I'm barely out of work, so when I'm out for 2 days in a row, the whole building notices and everyone was asking how I was upon my return yesterday (ick). I had to brush it off as if I got sick over the weekend and left it at that. (Although now you all know the truth for those of you from work that follow this). 

The nurse also said to take it easy. It's important to note that we had been walking around A LOT, and in the high heat, all day for 2 days, so Scott thought that might have something to do with it. We couldn't abandon all plans for the next day completely (I had to eat at some point and wasn't missing the big birthday dinner!), so Scott wheeled me around in a wheelchair for a good 24 hours until we headed home. I was sooo embarrassed at first (people stared at me because I looked fine, even though really not walking did make it a bit better and made me feel better too) but finally realized it was nice to be pushed around. Plus, my youngest nephew kept wanting free rides on the wheelchair so sat on my lap and Scott got a nice workout pushing us both up and down hills! 

Waking up Monday morning, I hoped things would have gotten better from Sunday, and even our group was asking me about it, hoping for the same. In fact, just the opposite happened, and things were getting worse. More blood. More red. More fear. More sadness. More certainty that things were probably not ok. 

When we finally got to go home, I had never been so happy to leave Disney... who knew I would EVER feel that way!!  I am always soooo sad to leave there, but this time I just wanted to be home in my own bathroom, bed, house, etc. I wanted answers and closure for whatever was happening. Waking up Tuesday morning was hard because as much as I wanted answers, I didn't want the baby to be gone. I didn't want to lose the feeling of knowing I was pregnant and going to be a mama soon. 

We got to the clinic and we were the only ones there. My favorite nurse was there that day for the blood draw and instantly asked how I was and had a big hug ready for me when I started crying and said I was scared. To our surprise, our fav Dr happened to be there that day, too (not normaly his day in this location). We couldn't have asked for better staff to be there for us. We went in for the ultrasound and the Dr explained that although blood is usually cause for concern, it's not always an end-all bad sign, so he would see what's up. He said he would be looking for the gestational sac, which would look like a small black dot. I laid back, held Scott's hand tightly, and just stared at his face to watch for reactions (he could see the ultrasound screen but I couldn't). The Dr kept poking around, trying to find something, and I just knew it was taking too long. Sure enough, there was nothing there, and he had to deliver the awful news that the baby was gone and I had indeed miscarried and lost it. My uterus was now completely empty and the blood I was losing was most likely from losing the baby. He felt so bad and was trying to say all the right things to comfort us. Even though I knew it in my heart, hearing it is a different story and just leaves you feeling empty and lonely, and sad. Very very sad. The Dr said it was most likely a chemical pregnancy, meaning egg and sperm fertilized and attached, releasing the pregnancy hormone, but it just didn't stick for whatever reason. A lot of times it's a chromosomal defect, or something is just not of good quality with the embryo, something is just not right and your body tries to get rid of it. Lots of people could have the same early miscarriage that I did at 5 weeks and never know because it's just like your period being a full week late. Only difference is I knew because we were monitoring every step so closely so we knew that's why it took so long. An embryo did indeed attach, but then let go all too soon. 

The nurse told us to take as much time in the room as we needed, and naturally we both lost it and couldn't stop crying for a good 5-10 minutes. I didn't cry as much as you would think, because I had been mentally preparing myself for the worst all weekend (rather than fully focusing on making fun memories with family like I should have been, and would have rather been). The nurse gave me so many hugs that morning (she's my fav!) and just kept saying our positive attitude would help us next time. Before he left the room, I asked the Dr when we could start again and he was happy with my outlook as well. He said (as did my Dr, who called today to check on me) that the good thing is conception happened, so that is something to celebrate. That means things are working properly for now and that's good news. It worked on the second try and so we've come a little further each time. Baby steps. Hopefully it'll stick in the next few tries.

Needless to say, this weekend was extremely difficult. Tuesday was extremely difficult. It sucks big time and is really really depressing. It's not fair. We've already been through so much difficulty and heartbreak, that it doesn't seem fair to keep kicking us when we are down, or just starting to get up. But it happened. I keep crying at random times for the most random things. But yet I also have closure from Tuesday's scan and talk with the Dr, so we can only move onward and upward from here.  I don't see any other option. I don't want to dwell on it because then I can't move forward fully. I will forever be grateful for the experience of feeling pregnant and happy for about a week and I can't wait for the chance to experience that again. I would have been due on December 27th, so now everything Christmas will probably make me cry. Walking by the Christmas store at Disney made me burst into tears because I wanted to buy an ornament and take a pic in there this weekend too, but couldn't bring myself to do it and now I'm glad I didn't. I was all set and excited to be taking off the rest of the school year after Christmas break, and was so thrilled with the perfect timing. But, ha, joke is on me and I'll now be there until at least February and probably later. 

We have to take time off before starting again because we have to keep checking my hormone levels weekly and wait until they balance out again. So that will take some time. I'm taking the break to workout again and eat healthier, to get fit and stronger for the next try. It's also great stress relief to be working out and using all the emotions to fuel my workouts. I did Zumba last night and T25 tonight, and it was easier than in the past. Anger and sadness definitely motivated me to push further each night.


I've also decided to NOT tell anyone when we get the green light to start up again. It will be easier for me if people don't ask, and if people don't know we're even going. If people know we're going, I feel obligated to tell them the results, or try to avoid them so my body language doesn't give it away. Telling people we were pregnant and then telling them we lost it a week later was too much and I can't do it again. I want this to just be between me and Scott, and if people know when the procedure is, they know when to ask me how I'm feeling and what's happening. It's too much and I can't do another early announcement. I didn't like doing it the first time and I refuse to do it again. So I know I said this before when we started, but unless I have another miscarriage (Please, Lord, don't do that to us), I won't be updating/announcing until we are pregnant AND reach the safety zone of 12 weeks. That combination could take a really long time, so please be patient with us. I know so many of you out there care about us, pray for us, and support us. We are so thankful for that and I ask that you respect this as well. This was just too hard telling close loved ones and then yanking it away a week later. I want to do it right next time and wait, unless we have another loss and I need more support. Please pray for us to get through this and to have healthy and positive results in the future. 

I'll make a few separate posts perhaps on different side stories that branch off of this. How we're coping, etc, but nothing about the status of what's to come other than that we have to take a break for now until they clear us to start again, whenever that may be. 

It sucks and we are really miserable over this, but I'm also gearing up to move ahead pretty quickly I think. I had time to prepare and knew what my body was trying to tell me. I've already started finding silver linings in all of this to help me cope and being back to work is a good distraction. Scott started training for his new job yesterday (yup, got a new job~ YAYYYYY!!!!), so it's the start of a new chapter for us. This is another puzzle to the bigger picture for us and it's a stepping stone that is forever a part of us and our story. I think it will give me strength to keep going and I hope we will get a bit closer each time. 

It's now 3 hours after I started this, and I have to get to bed. I don't even have time to go back and edit or proof-read this, but it is what it is. I'll write more this weekend of a few other things on my mind as well as some missing pieces, because I know there are some. I knew this would be a long post but I honestly didn't intend it to be this long... oops. I don't know how to tell a story with just the important parts because they're all important to me. 

On a good note, I'm not even crying as I write this. In a weird way though, I hope this doesn't come across as me having no feeling or no heart. I just think I've gotten most of the bulk of the sadness out already and it's almost a full week from knowing in my heart that I lost the baby. I've known officially for 2 days but knew deep down when things started to feel different last Friday. Closure does wonders and I finally have that. Nothing I can do but hope and keep moving forward, so that's what I have to do, while keeping this little jellybean (poppyseed) forever in my heart. 

Thanks for sticking with me this long. Hugs are appreciated... just try not to make me cry if you see me in person. I hate crying in front of people, especially in public. Once the waterworks start, I can't reign them in easily. This was so easy for me because it's written. Texts and emails are good. I do well with them. :) If you have been through this and have any advice, we would greatly appreciate it. All I ask is that you please don't feel bad for us or pity us. This is in no way a pity post. I just wanted to be up front and honest, and update before rumors fly that I'm pregnant. I want to avoid questions and glances over the next few months, so knowing nothing is there nor possible for a while again will help with that. 

Off to bed. Sweet dreams <3 

Stace <3