The short version of the story (spoiler alert!!)...
Last week I was pregnant... but this week I am not.
Last week, we were expecting our first baby... and this week it feels as though it was just a dream. Last week, we were jumping for joy and feeling on top of the world. This week, it was all taken away. I was very newly pregnant but had an early miscarriage and lost it. Even though it was very early, in our minds and hearts it's still a huge loss. Others may not agree but I still consider it a miscarriage because I was pregnant and now I'm not. I was 5 weeks 1 day when it started, and 5 weeks 3 days when it was confirmed by our fertility clinic. I had a miscarriage. I am 1 in 4. Add another depressing statistic to us. 1 in 8 for infertility. 1 in 4 for miscarriage. Why can't we be the 1 in ___ odds to win the lottery??
If you're just finding out for the first time while reading this, I promise you're not alone. I've only told a very very small circle of people this week. It was so early that I didn't want to announce it to the world yet, so most people are only finding out this way. I'm sorry you're not hearing it from me first personally (well, in a way you are), but I can't possibly call/text/email everyone I know to tell them this awkward and depressing news. This is the best and easiest way for me to do so. There's a lot of people I wanted to tell, but just couldn't bring myself to do it. I needed time to process this all on my own first and then I will be able to talk about it more and more as each day passes.
We are crushed. We are sad. We are angry. We are hurt. We cry at random times. But I've decided today that I'm bent, not broken. We will bounce back. We will try again. We will grow from this and we will come out stronger once again. Team Ricci has been through so much over the past 2.5 years and this is just another bump in the road that we will get through. It won't stop us. It is now a huge part of our journey and we will keep moving forward with determination, hope, and positivity.
I'm not really sure how this post will turn out. I don't have any creative writing ideas with this one. No funny stories to make it all better (well, maybe 1 but it's too embarrassing to write so the only thing that made Scott and I laugh about this all weekend won't be appearing here, sorry. I'll keep it to ourselves.). No real plan... Just going with the flow.
There's probably a million questions going around in your head (there are in mine, too, don't worry) and perhaps a few of them will be answered by the time I'm done writing this. Perhaps a few of them won't be either, but that's the way life goes. I have a ton of questions that will never be answered in all of this either. I apologize in advance for the very high likelihood that this post will be super confusing, full of grammatical and spelling errors, mistakes, out-of-sequence events, awkwardness, and whatever else seems weird about reading it. Again, just going with it.
Why am I even writing a post about this in the first place?? First and foremost, I'm writing it for myself. I need to vent in order to grieve and process all of my mixed emotions. I need to write it all out to let it all out. It's also part of our journey and I don't want to ignore that. This loss is now forever a part of me and I don't want to pretend like it never happened. I've been open with our whole fertility journey up to this point and I don't want to leave out a really important (and huge) piece of the puzzle. I also can't gain support from others if they don't know I need it. I realize there will be some people who don't agree with me publicizing this, but it's honestly my personal decision and something I need to do for myself. I respect the fact that a lot of people keep quiet about miscarriages and loss, and I completely understand that. I don't and won't judge anyone for keeping quiet who has ever gone through this or something similar. I believe it all comes down to personal preference and what you need for you. For me, I both need and want to do this. Scott's on board and approves, so that's really all I need.