Sunday, April 19, 2015

Dear Karma, You've Got it all Wrong

I repeat:

Dear Karma, 

You've got it all wrong. You've clearly confused us with someone else. Is this really what happens when you follow the rules and try to always be kind & fair? That's crap... Enough is enough. It's on.


I'm heading to bed very shortly and will try to update later in the week to fill in any blanks, but basically you can tell this cycle did not go as planned. Got my period this weekend. Game over. 4 good follicles this time, my uterine lining was perfect, my hormone levels were excellent, I was hopeful, I prayed multiple times daily, I did all the right things, only to be shot down again. I'm done. Spent, drained, exhausted, frustrated, sad, hurt, and angry. Feeling broken because I can't make this happen for Scott, but in a sense hopeful he knows he can't put the blame on himself. I can't make it happen either. 

I can't keep putting my ALL into these cycles with only a 20% chance (or less) of success. It's too difficult. I wanted to keep trying a few more times but honestly each failure hits me harder and harder than the last. I think I'm out of hope and then I somehow build up more than before. Same goes for motivation and drive, but that only means each fall is that much harder as well. The impact gets more and more intense. And this one was big. So I can't keep doing this for such a low shot of success. 

Our next move will be IVF. We're giving ourselves a few days to continue to process this and to give ourselves a mental break. But then we will set up an IVF consult with our Dr, figure out what we can handle financially speaking in terms of time, and go from there. Ideally between now and August so it can be done or started before a new school year starts up in September, but we'll see. This isn't the route we wanted to go (only bc of cost, extra meds/needles, more invasive procedures, etc) but I know I can build up strength and motivation to get pumped up for it in time. And if it is the path that gets us there, so be it. I can suck it up and do it for our future baby/babies. I know tons of strong women who have gone through it, some silently, and I admire ALL of their incredible strength. Plus it's for our family, and it's to make a baby, so I can do it. I just have to mentally prepare myself and start training. 

The second piece of this Karma crap is that we had another, unrelated, emotional bomb to deal with this weekend. Our house has been on the market & we finally got an offer. After negotiating back and forth, we agreed on a price and signed the offer. While waiting on inspection date and whatnot, we suddenly got word Friday morn that they decided to back out of the deal and no longer want the house. Then my period arrived. Two slaps in the face from the Universe & Karma. Two doors of opportunity slammed in our face. When just last week I was on Cloud 9 with the possibility of having both things work out for us. I feared it was too good to be true bc we don't have that kind of luck. Scott reminded me that after being kicked down so many times, it would be fair and it would be ok for luck to finally go our way. But nope, let's mess with them again and pull the rug from beneath their feet yet again. So back down square 1 we are once more. 

So again I say, Karma, you've got it all wrong. Enough is enough. Now it's war. 

P.S... Happy National Infertility Awareness Week (NIAW), as of today. April 19-25. The theme is You Are Not Alone. 1 in 8 couples is affected by infertility. One in Eight... that is a scary high number. Be aware, people. Be considerate, sensitive to others, and kind, especially when talking about/complaining about/asking about pregnancies, babies, etc. You NEVER know who your audience is. But to those of you suffering, You are NOT alone, ever. <3 <3

Thanks to all of you for your continued support (phone, text, email, letters, hugs, or simply just by reading this). It's appreciated more than you know!! <3


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