Thursday, May 2, 2013
Junk Food & Funk Mood
Just one of them days... Blah. No real reason, just feeling blah.
No one is perfect, and I certainly don't claim to be. I'll let you in on a secret (well, not anymore!) that I haven't really expressed to too many people: I have this weird, irrational fear that some people don't like me because they view me as a goody-2-shoes who thinks I'm better than others. Anyone that truly knows me would (hopefully) agree that it couldn't be further from the truth. I often keep to myself and am shy around people I just meet or are not yet comfortable with. I have always suffered with a degree of low self esteem~ I am always worried what other people think of me and I'm always worried I won't fit in. If I catch someone staring at me in public, I immediately worry there's something in my teeth, something spilled on my shirt, or they're making fun of the mole on my face, my clothes, something. I am a rule follower by nature; my dad is a retired state trooper and I was just never into crazy partying or breaking the rules. I didn't have a house that you could sneak out of~ we lived in the woods on a mountain in a small country town, so it was quiet and secluded, with a crazy loud alarm system... I always stayed in line. I don't look down on people who acted differently (after all, I did marry Scott! We could not be more polar opposite in the sense of following all the rules and caring about what others think) and I don't consider myself better than anyone. In fact, I'm often comparing myself to others way too much and it leads to me being way too hard on myself for all kinds of things. I can't help it. I don't feel like life is always fair. There are people out there who I know that get whatever they want, when they want, have perfect families and friends, never face hardships, and always seem to get what I want.
If I find myself stuck in a rut of comparing myself, it just brings me down. So I started being more positive whenever I could, however I could. A quote here, a silver lining there. It's the little things that really matter most. I have to keep focusing on these things. I can choose to let life constantly knock me down and disappoint me, or I can get back up and fight harder, and find happy things to focus on. Life is a balance~ You can't have any rainbows without a bit of rain; You can't have compassion without some suffering (thanks, Gemma!); you can't have appreciation without heartache or disappointment... So I pick myself back up time and time again. Something crappy comes our way YET again? I fall apart, feel devastated, depressed, and hopeless for a while... and then I start to search and find meaning in it. Find a lesson in it. Find a silver lining in it. And then I pick myself back up and keep moving on. Hurdles make our successes even more celebratory. Sometimes the only positive I can find is the fact that I have a great, supportive husband who is my teammate and partner in crime through it all. Sometimes I rattle off names in my head of the people who love and support us no matter what happens in life (the really close friends and family who love unconditionally). I think of the things that really matter most, or the things that I have and others strive for (Scott, family, friends, a stable job, a house of our own, a car to get to/from work, health, etc.). I don't consider my life perfect~ in any way. I am blessed with some great things and I am forever grateful for them all. Just because I choose to look at the bright side in order to avoid depression and negativity, it doesn't mean I am a spoiled brat. I choose to create my own happiness and take hold of what is available to me and use it to the best of my ability. The people who I fear have skewed views of me don't know the real me~ they're just basing it on things they think they know. I like to think I'm the last person to act conceited or fake... I'm usually the first to apologize (over apologize), guilty of over-analyzing, and just try to make the best of what's around.
Sorry for the weird random rant tonight. Scott is closing tonight (the life of retail management) and the next 2 nights, so it's just a lot of quiet alone time. His shift starts before school gets out and he is home after I'm in bed. He was home the last 2 days so it's always nice to catch up but then getting back into the groove of being alone again puts me in a bad mood. School is winding down but that means a longer to-do list and crunch time to fit certain things in (35 days left~ Yes I am counting down, it's been an emotionally draining, stressful, exhausting year for many reasons... Go ahead and make a comment about teachers having summers off. If you have not spent a full day in a classroom setting, there is no judging allowed. It's not babysitting by any means~ it's 200+ jobs rolled up in one and it's a box of chocolates each and every day. A summer "off" is time to re-energize but also time to start planning and prepping for another year of roller coaster events.. so yes, I am counting down). It also means spring fever has set in but we still have a lot of topics to cover- so take hyper 6/7 year-olds with spring fever who don't want to do school work, and bring on the exhaustion at the end of the day. My house is getting cluttered because by the time I get home I'm too overwhelmed to do anything but sit and relax on the couch. The DVR is filling up because I don't even have time or enough of an attention span to catch up on some of my favorite shows. I know this too shall pass, it always does, but man it's a hell of a ride.
It's days like this that I wonder how I'm going to handle being a mom if I can't even take care of myself. I never leave work before 4 (we get out at 3:15 but there's always so much to do to prep for the next day or clean up from today), in fact it's usually more like 4:30-5:00 that I leave, and I feel like it gets me nowhere. The house is a mess, the laundry piles up, and I'm tired. Throw in a baby and how will I function? Maybe this 6 month wait before moving to IVF is supposed to teach me a lesson to get my own act together before adding on the life of someone else. I keep thinking maybe a baby will force me to be more organized and better with time management because I'll have to center around the baby so I can't have lazy moments. I'm definitely planning to take this 6 month hiatus (and summer break) to work on myself, chores, and relaxing with Scott. Ok, done with my rant. Time for bed.... tomorrow is School Forest Day~ taking the class into the woods for 2 hours of nature activities: TGIF!! Thanks for putting up with my rant... <3 xoxo